Enabling my Ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Enabling my Ex?
46
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 1:00pm

So last night I was reminded again a major reason that I left my marriage. But my DD stays with him on some evenings and now I am a little concerned.


My Ex is really really bad with finances, very irresponsible. When we were married he would spend money on video games and electronics instead of bills. He is also very messy and lazy and has fought depression and ADHD. Somehow through working nights and going to school he is managing to get his degree this month.


He was to have DD last night till 9pm. He called me at

~Pacific~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 1:09pm

My thoughts??

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 1:11pm

Wow Pac!

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 1:14pm

UGH!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 1:22pm

I've fallen asleep on a couch with dinner in the oven before because I was exhausted.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 1:26pm

Pacs,


As a person that's been a student raising kids I know that this time of year (especially right before graduation) is VERY stressful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 1:37pm

Thoughts? I would not make my DS go if he didn't want to after that scenario and especially if I thought it would be repeated. I mean it is not like her dad was simply making something for dinner she didn't like - he scared her and ignored her and didn't feed her and then made her feel bad for being scared. I would not want to scare/harm/hurt my DS in any way just to teach my exh a lesson - kid comes first - no matter the cost to me.

That is such a pain - sorry DD had to go through that. I wonder, is there a way she can call you to come and get her next time - that way she feels like she has an out. Does she have a cell phone? Or maybe she can use his?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 2:15pm

ITA-


I wonder, is there a way she can call you to come and get her next time - that way she feels like she has an out. Does she have a cell phone? Or maybe she can use his?


Get this, Judy- his cell phone was out of minutes because he did not pay that either. DD told me she felt scared because there was no way to call me. I'm feeling worse and worse about this and that I actually thought he would have taken better care of her. Ugh.. I feel rotten!


Isys- I like your idea of giving him a break for a couple of weeks while he gets through finals. I'll can arrange my plans to have her full time for a few weeks straight. More time with me equal more money going out of my pocket that legally speaking I should get from him but that will not happen. I already scrimp to provide for her- but I will just have to scrimp harder. Her security has no price tag.


I admit- it makes me angry at him for being this way. I have always been the responsible one and therefore he gets to act like a kid and get away with it..always has. It ticks me off that I am always the one making sacrifices while he does nothing but buys games and junk.


Well one things is true....I feel certain she will chose my place- with no fancy tvs or video stuff- over his place that has the games but is in the cold dark and messy. My poor DD. And you know what? She says to me: I don't want to hurt dad's feeling. My heart sinks!


So my plan of action- (thank you all for your words of validation and encourgement...you are all the best) ...I will call Ex and tell him that starting tonight I am picking DD up when I get off of work. No more evening/night time until he can provide a safe and secure atmosphere for her. That means paying the bills, making sure she gets a meal, and not telling her she is wrong when she expresses fear. Also she will not go there when he has no phone. And last- he needs to clean up her room with her assisitance she can have her own sleeping space. Right now it is so bad that she does not want to be in there.


He has no legal leg to stand on even if he tried to fight me on this. I'm not worried about him trying..he does not have the initaitive to fight me.


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 2:17pm

Thanks Moon.


I know what I need to do for her. I just needed the boost to let me know I'm not enabling his pathetic behavior. I get really resentful of him sometimes but the bottom line is that DD should not suffer just becasue I want him to buck up and take on his sahre of parenting.


Hugs...thank you for your words :o)

~Pacific~
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 2:20pm

I agree April. It's so irresponsible. I can't let her stay there another evening knowing how things happened last night. I'm so mad at him. And so relieved that I don't live with it as a spouse anymore. Can you imagine??


Edited to add:


I just called BE to tell him how much I appreciate the responsible, bill paying kind of guy he is. Every once in a while I see the sharp contrast and just have to tell him. It made his day to be appreciated.


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 2:24pm

and at some point he figured it out and started being a dad on his own


In my tendancy to be optimistic about people, I have been giving my ex the benefit of the doubt to start being a dad, too. But enough is enough and last night just sealed the deal for me. I'm a believer in natural consequences and his natural consequience is that he won't be spending time with DD until he gets his act together.


~Pacific~

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