Enabling my Ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Enabling my Ex?
46
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 1:00pm

So last night I was reminded again a major reason that I left my marriage. But my DD stays with him on some evenings and now I am a little concerned.


My Ex is really really bad with finances, very irresponsible. When we were married he would spend money on video games and electronics instead of bills. He is also very messy and lazy and has fought depression and ADHD. Somehow through working nights and going to school he is managing to get his degree this month.


He was to have DD last night till 9pm. He called me at

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 2:30pm
GOOD JOB! I love your plan of action!!!! Excellent rules!! And Isymoon was smart to figure out that he needs a break while he deals with finals. That will probably be the ticket. I like the rule of the phone. I am wondering, if he was out of minutes, couldn't she just send a text message? I have friends that do that when they are out of minutes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 2:59pm

Very good plan.

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 3:09pm

Ugh..I feel bad because I did not know it but MY phone was out of battery power. She did not know that she could have texted BE on his phone. I will tell her that for future reference...


Thank you for you words and encouragement :o)

~Pacific~
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 3:13pm
Good grief Pac...sorry hes a mess. Seems to me more and more that we are all on here with at least one common thread and thats the exs are messes, I dont think you are enabling him by cutting back his time but again like you i tend to be optimistic about people and it always kicks me in the forehead. I called my lawyer and asked what the most recent letter was that he sent me (my atty) and why i needed to come in (worrying about $$$) and his secretary who is sooooo nice and sweet explains that they sent a letter out to CP telling him all communication now had to be in writing that my atty would no longer take his calls because "they" (yes he AND the gf) have been vulgar, harassing and abusive to everyone in my attys office. I was mortified and apologized and she assured me no worries i didnt do it hes not the first and wont be the last. I still felt awful because i brought this monster into their lives as well. However she told me it can work to my advantage because the letter and my attys notes can/will be used as an exhibit in court if need be. In a way i felt validated that they saw him for what he is and im not crazy for keeping DD from him. hes unstable. Ok so i went off about me and im sorry i guess i just wanted to say you are not alone and please dont second guess yourself. I think we (moms dealing with exs) tend to where our childrens hearts on our sleeves and worry about how they will feel not seeing their fathers. Im done and its time for tough love, DD may resent me when shes older for limiting her contact with him but i know shes safe, has electricity, is fed and warm and not looked at as something waking me from my nap. Just my thoughts...(((((PAC)))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 3:52pm

Thanks for that validation, M.


In your case I know it is a horrible mess right now- and I knew I could come here and you and

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 6:12pm

Your poor dd... I think that would be a very scary situation.

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 6:25pm

I admit- it makes me angry at him for being this way. I have always been the responsible one and therefore he gets to act like a kid and get away with it..always has. It ticks me off that I am always the one making sacrifices while he does nothing but buys games and junk.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 8:20pm

Hey Pac, I see someone else suggested what

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 9:45pm

SHE comes 1st. Whether or not you are enabling him, making his life easier, letting him off the hook of parenting ... whatever else there is ... none of it matters, NOR will it make him better or worse of a parent b/c he's not going to change - HER comfort & safety & security comes 1st.


Lord knows I know THAT from Taz. I have gone so far as to, after dd called me crying she was hungry & had no food, to send over a small pizza paid over the phone by me, to her at his house. I have packed her food & snacks b/c sometimes he wont provide them. Is it enabling him? Letting him off the hook? Yep. But I dont care b/c he isnt responsible NOR caring enough to give a crap, or think ahead & plan for her.

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Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 9:52pm
Good plan Sweetie. & please dont feel badly. Beleive me, there were a couple times I has dd with him overnite when I was out & never got her sobbing calls. My heart BROKE in the AM.

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