Enabling my Ex?
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Enabling my Ex?
| Thu, 05-08-2008 - 1:00pm |
So last night I was reminded again a major reason that I left my marriage. But my DD stays with him on some evenings and now I am a little concerned.
My Ex is really really bad with finances, very irresponsible. When we were married he would spend money on video games and electronics instead of bills. He is also very messy and lazy and has fought depression and ADHD. Somehow through working nights and going to school he is managing to get his degree this month.
He was to have DD last night till 9pm. He called me at

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Pac, I am chiming in late.. But yes that sounds scary to let her be in a place with no electricity, food and phone.. Geez.. what is he thinking. I think what you have already decided sounds great.. to not let her go there untill you are convinced that he has a proper place to provide her.
May be you can ask him to let her call you after 9pm
I hear you on this one. My ex only sees the kids about once a month, and he has to rent a room at the hotel he works for to do it. I usually take the kids down there, since he has managed to lose both a free car (frigging already paid off from his parents, but it "broke down") and an apartment.
The one thing this arrangement gives me is leverage to make some changes. I don't HAVE to drive them anywhere, and I dont HAVE to answer my phone when he calls for them.
Pac, do you ever think he is going to step up to the plate and be a good parent? I thought mine was going to after the divorce but I over estimated him too. Now he only see's his kids a few times a year. I live on the other side of the country from my family so I am with my kids nearly all the time. Fortunately they are now older and I can just take off for a few hours. But when they were young I got no break at all.
Enough of my whining. I have a strong feeling that the person and parent your ex is now is the person/parent he will always be. I hate to say it too. But I spent 15 years trying to change
Thanks, everyone!
You're "back-up" has meant a lot to me. I've fallen back on a lot of your words of wisdom and my own intuition and mothers instinct over the past 24 hours.
It was hard to reach him yesterday with his phone and cell not working. I was feeling sick to my stomach over the guilt from the night before (my cell had been off when she needed me) so I left work early and went "in search of" my ex to explain that I would be picking up DD and she would be with me from now until things improve in his situation.
When I reached him
Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!
I think you're doing the right thing. And it's not enabling him... from what you're saying, it's protecting your DD instead! If she was fine with everything, but you're just letting him off the hook for responsibilities, then THAT would be enabling him! But with her being scared and unfed and him with utilities shut off?!?! Enabling isn't the term!
I used to think I should make life difficult for the ex, to make him step up and be more responsible... but then the only ones who suffer are the kids. And he doesn't care (or notice), and I just end up aggravated. So I've given up trying to "teach him" how to be responsible by doing this or that any certain way. I've decided that some adults are just not teachable. :-P
Anyway, I hope things work out for you, with DD with you all the time. I'm glad that BE is okay with it. That's pretty much how it is for Hiker and I. Neither one of us has the scheduled every-other-weekend-off deal. We are both 24/7 parents, so that's why we only get to see each other maybe 1-2 times a week. That's just our life as it is. You learn to work around it and get date time when you can fit it in.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
God breaks my heart to hear about your DD.
I just saw this update.
I know it will be tough
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