At the end of my rope
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At the end of my rope
| Sun, 08-03-2008 - 5:43pm |
Quick backstory:
Met my boyfriend in February 2006...I was 25 he was 39 at the time...and my son was 5.
| Sun, 08-03-2008 - 5:43pm |
Quick backstory:
Met my boyfriend in February 2006...I was 25 he was 39 at the time...and my son was 5.
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He's great with my son, albeit a little nervous in terms of wanting my son to like him, etc. But my son adores him and they seem to have a great relationship. In general he seems to like kids, too. I mean, not just my son. A few of his neighbors have kids and when we see them if we're sitting outside he'll say hi or comment on how cute/funny/smart they are etc.
Well, you've stated what the issues are, but what is it that you WANT in the relationship? You want marriage, living together and maybe more kids?
What does HE want?
If you can't agree, then it's not going to mesh, since someone is going to have to compromise on their "want" list and it isn't fair to the other.
When you talk to him, what does he say? You said that you talk to him, but that nothing changes- so what is it that you talk about?
I live with my bf and 9 year old son. If he ever said to me that he was afraid of letting us both down, I would have nightmares about exactly that. The fact that he has voiced this to you would be of great concern to me. Remember that in the end of this, you are the one who is more vulnerable since you are the mother of a child whose heart may be engaging in a dead end street and your bf should acknowledge this. It is true that some kids are resilient but not all. I became very attached to both of my parents new loves after divorce and watching things break up or just plain old not work out was difficult. I felt the loss and I still wonder about a few of them and how they are.
Have the two of you spoken a out a potential time line for being together? Are you or he interested in setting a timeline for being engaged, living together or being married one day? Does he want more kids or do you?
I had a relationship for about two years btw that was a bit like what you have described here. He never met my kid because I was struggling with the fact that he was fine either way. it wouldnt have bothered him to never meet my son and I had to sit with that and figure out what it meant. In the end, I dumped him and that was the right decision for me at the time. I had a lot of trouble leading two separate lives back then and it bothered me a lot.
My bf now is the first person who ever met my son and he made it very clear that he was ready to stop hearing funny stories about motherhood and start interaction at about the 6 month mark. He told me he wasnt sure he could understand his feelings fully for me or where things were headed without seeing us all in a room together. it meant a lot to me at the time to know the depth of what he was contemplating for me, us and well, all of us....It was also nervewracking because I was falling fast for him but in the end, things have worked out beautifully....
good luck with all of this. I know it is tough. Hopefully the other gals will chime in with their experiences as well...
Our conversations about taking things to the "next level" (be it moving in together, incorporating my son more, engagement, marriage...the whole shebang...) started becoming more serious about a year ago or so.
We talk about what I need from him and vice versa. At this point, all I'm understanding from him is that he doesn't like ultimatums, when things are right he'll be ready, and that he's afraid of a lot of things---like how to guarantee that our marriage would last---you know, those things that you CAN'T POSSIBLY know or can't possibly guarantee, no matter what.
Also, that he moved into his condo a little over 3 years ago and feels like he hasn't really had a chance to "move in" and enjoy it. (ie, he still has a futon and a card table is his dining room table) In other words, he's definitely got the bachelor pad and I'm not sure if he's confident enough in himself to think that he could have more than that.
The more I think about all of this, the more complicated I'm realizing it really is.
He knows that I want a life with him, that he's my best friend, and that I love him. And I know that he cares about me and my son. But for some reason, he isn't moving in a forward direction, and now when we talk about future things, it almost seems like he's feeling pressure to make a move as opposed to really wanting to make a move---or, maybe that's not the best way to put it. It almost feels like he wants it, but he's afraid of it, and he knows that if he doesn't, then he's going to lose me. So it's more a matter of him wanting a future with me and my son, but he's afraid? I don't know. It just goes in circles.
He's already told me that he hates ultimatums. I've thought about it, and I don't think it would work anyways.
He's said he wants kids someday, but then he'll turn around and say "I'll be 60 when they're graduating high school" or "I'll be too old to keep up with them."
It's so hard to type everything out! *lol* It's such a jumble, ya know? On the one hand I know that he loves me. I was in a relationship prior to this one where the guy was a low-life, very self-centered, and in our few years together only saw my son about 3 times. I waited 6 months to introduce them and he always made it feel like my son was a burden.
My relationship now is nothing like that. It's just I don't think he's ready to pick up and settle down, be it because he likes the life he has now or because he's afraid. And I don't know how to help him understand what I'm going through with all of this.
I've thought about emailing his best friend who married a girl with a child, but I'm afraid it will get back to him and really upset him. But I really don't know what else to do. I'm ready to stop "dating" and start a life with this man. And I think I take it a little personally that after 2.5 years, he's not acting like he's sure he wants or thinks he can have that with me.
At this point, I'm just happy that I'm the mom of a wonderful little boy, who makes me smile no matter what else is going on in my life, right? :)
There are no guarantees in life, let alone marriage- what is the saying, "nothing is certain but death and taxes"...
What I see, is that over the last three years, you have been building your life, moving forward and changing things with a goal in mind.
He has not. He has lived in his condo for three years, without the basic motivation to even FURNISH said condo.
Sure, he wants to be with you, but doesn't want to work for it or change the status quo. I'm sure if you said to him, "let's just stay this way forever" he would jump at it! Or if you said, "let's get married and you stay where you are and I'll stay here" he would jump at that too. Because he wouldn't have to TRY, or put effort into anything- therefore he wouldn't be at fault if things didn't work out.
So the question becomes, can you live indefinitely with the way things are, as they are? After 2.5 yrs you KNOW if you want to be with that person or if you're holding out for better.
That is, in fact, the saying. And I have tried to explain that. I mean, there have been many, many obstacles in my life, especially as a parent, and I've managed to get through the harder stuff (divorce, work/school, giving up my own place in order to go back to school and give my son a better life...etc).
So I guess I tend to be a little more free-spirited. I like to live each day at a time and focus on the moment. It seems to me that my bf hasn't really learned how to do that yet.
And you're right, after 2.5 years one should know if they want to be with someone. I know I do. And I guess that's why this is hitting me so hard.
After a divorce, several bad dates, one really bad long-term-relationship, and now this confusion? Well, it's getting really difficult. Add to that the fact that I don't know any other moms--single or not---around my age or even with kids my son's age, and it's beginning to feel very lonely. This whole situation just makes it worse.
I love being a mom. I love my son. I'm proud of who he is and who he's growing to be. He's the most important thing in my life. And it hurts when the people who supposedly love you don't want to try and understand that or be a part of it. Especially when it's such a beautiful thing.
*sigh*
Thanks for your advice and sharing your experiences. At least I know I'm not alone, even if it might feel that way at times.
"2.) My custody situation makes it so that in order to move to Chicago, I would have to deal with the courts etc. My ex-hubby and I co-parent well and have a healthy relationship...and I'm sure that moving to Chicago wouldn't be a problem. However, it's expensive and my son has already started school in Indiana, plus, my network of extended family and child care is in Indiana. I explained this to my bf in the beginning, that I would have to stay in Indiana for some years because of Max. Now I get guff about commuting, fears of living somewhere different (keep in mind, Chicago is about 30 minutes away...not too terribly far). Plus the bf works night hours, meaning rushhour traffic wouldn't be to big of an issue. "
It sounds to me like you do love each other but your situations are vastly different and he is not working at all to even meet you half way or move forward - and why not - it is working for him to have you come and see him at his house and fill his needs.
My vote? Keep working on making your life better in Indiana. I applaud you for so much work to go back to school, raise a kid and live at home and do the right thing for you and DS - if you stay on this course, good things will come - with him or without him.
I feel that when the right guy comes along and views you as MsRight, he will move heavens and earth and not be selfish. It sounds as though you are near close to being a MsRight for someone and you need to find a MrRight.
You're NOT alone, and you certainly seem to have a lot of energy and love- so why put up with an old stick in the mud?
My son is 8 as well- I think this is the best age yet! He's fun and full of life, we get along so well and just enjoy hanging out- so I can see why you would want to share that with your partner!
In between my son's father and now I spent 2.5 yrs with a man who left me devastated when he decided one day that he "never wanted kids" and "didn't want the responsibility". Never again will I put my heart and my son through that- ds was FINE when he left, because I realized that J never put in an effort to get to really know him, even though we LIVED together for 2 of those years!
So, onto my list of "must haves" went: must love kids. Yes, kids CAN be annoyances at times, but overall they're fun if you take the time to get to know them!
YOU know your son is worth both the time and effort. So why stick with someone who doesn't feel that way? It'll be less painful for YOU to be the one to walk away, than to have him break your heart the way mine was broken :(
Trust me on that one. (((HUGS)))
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