At the end of my rope
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At the end of my rope
| Sun, 08-03-2008 - 5:43pm |
Quick backstory:
Met my boyfriend in February 2006...I was 25 he was 39 at the time...and my son was 5.
| Sun, 08-03-2008 - 5:43pm |
Quick backstory:
Met my boyfriend in February 2006...I was 25 he was 39 at the time...and my son was 5.
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Thank you so much for saying what you said.
My first relationship after my divorce sounds a lot like yours...minus the moving in part. I noticed a million red flags, but I was young and stupid *lol* and ignored them. After two years of walking on eggshells for this guy, he up and decided he was moving to California for a job.
It didn't matter to him about our relationship or the connection (albeit very small) he made with my son. And that really hurt.
When I met my current bf, J, I let him know about some of the issues I had regarding this situation and my being a single mom. I was pretty upfront about what I was and wasn't going to put up with...I mean, I certainly wasn't going to be in another crappy situation like I was before.
Things were going well and then they just stopped progressing. It's like, we were going along fine and then we got stuck at a red light that still hasn't changed. And for a 42-year-old man who has never been married, and whose friends are all married with kids, I find this all really strange.
I know he didn't have the ideal family situation growing up, whereas my parents have been married for 30+ years, so I can understand where some of the hesitation comes from, but the rest of it? I have no idea.
Before I started writing you back, he called. I had been pretty upset with him this afternoon. He slept in until 3pm. And he spent the rest of the day in his condo, probably watching tv. And his excuse for not hanging out with me and DS? I didn't tell him I wanted to.
Why after 2.5 years do I still have to make plans for us to all three hang out together? I think that's the kicker. The fact that it hasn't become "normal."
Before he called, I was looking into couples counseling in Chicago. I mentioned that to him and all he could say was, "I love you. I really love you. I love you and , and your parents. I really do."
But I can't understand how if he loves me and DS so much, why he turned his nose up at the idea of having someone in an objective position try and help us work through this.
*arg*
Thank you for the hugs. Much needed today! I will keep you updated. And if you ever need anything, let me know :)
I see a difference between an ultimatum versus stating what you want and if you don't get it then you have to change/do things to take care of yourself.
If you want marriage or the "next level" and willing to accept that may never happen that's one thing. Otherwise you have to know for yourself how long you are willing to wait for unless you have a deadline for yourself (not for your bf) then you will end up with it never going to happen and you will be handing over all that power and choice to him. Does that make sense?
Once you are clear in your mind what you want and how long you are willing to wait for it and what to do if you are not going to get it by then then you have empowered yourself. You are able to make clear choices based on your wants and that is not an ultimatum IMHO.
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
"Why after 2.5 years do I still have to make plans for us to all three hang out together?"
Because it's easier for HIM, and he's going to take the easy way ALL the way.
If you stopped calling, emailing, texting him how long until he called you to see what's up?
If I stopped calling, emailing, texting, etc., he'd call. I mean, he did tonight.
Also, I never thought about the difference between an ultimatum and setting a personal time line. That's a really good idea. It's going to take some soul-searching, but I think that may be a really helpful start.
Thanks again everyone. I'm going to get some much needed sleep. I'll be around tomorrow :)
-T.
I think the best thing to do is to sit him down, lay it out on the table what you are looking for and then leave him to think about it. Give yourself a timeline only AFTER you have made yourself known- otherwise you will be disappointed when he doesn't come through for you because you said nothing.
Now, if you say your piece and he still does nothing, at least you know you've put your cards on the table.
It's not an ultimatum to define what you are looking for in life. It would be an ultimatum if he were to say that you would have to give up your dreams/ goals in order to stay with him.
You have built up so much and worked so hard on yourself to make the best for your son. Don't you now want to show him a healthy, working relationship with a positive role model as a father figure who engages him with respect and admiration? Someone who will show him how a lady should be treated? Mark (mhash) points out that we have to LIVE the life we want to model for our children, the values we want them to learn have to come from them watching US model them- not someone else, or simply from words we say.
The right guy will adore you and your son.
hi there and welcome,
do you have your "shopping list" made - must haves and can't stands - qualities you absolutely MUST have or MUST NOT have?
mom_uk2socal
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
When I was in my marriage, I thought if she could only understand what I wanted then she would work with me to make changes to make our marriage better.
reluctant partner remains reluctant and feels that the reason of being in counseling so the other person wants an ally against him/here.
Not if it's a good counselor! I've known a handful of people who went, kicking and screaming, but wound up learning about themselves, and eventually, being glad they went.
Hey soonee, if you are asking about my former spouse then no she has not gone back to work. She has basically retired since our DS19 was born. With the money I left her she does not need to work. As I said here before, if I have one regret in life is how I (did not) handle my divorce for I lost my job almost immediately after my divorce and was out of work for 4 yrs.
And I don't think she is dating. She was on Match for I accidentally ran into her profile. I would be surprised if she is still on it considering how everyone else's experiences have been for online dating. Plus considering her age (same as me 55) and her being overweight, I doubt she has many prospects. She still carries this angry attitude toward life so I am sure that comes across as well. I see her repeating her alcoholic mother's life without the alcohol, where she lives a vacuous, idle middle class suburban life in her twilight years occupying herself with playing bunco with her friends and traveling.
I sometimes think it is a waste of time trying to understand the “why” of people’s behavior and just focus on their behavior.
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
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