Engaged/pregnant/custody

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Engaged/pregnant/custody
10
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:25pm
Hello,

I'm currently engaged to my df and we are planning to marry early next year. I think I may be pregnant. If I am, its early on.

What I'm wondering, anyone have experience with living with/being pregnant and did it cause problems with an existing custody arrangement?

I have joint custody of pre-teen daughter, and I'm a little worried about my ex trying to use my preg. to get full-custody, saying I'm unfit/immoral or something. We do not live with my df, we have our own apartment, dd and I.

Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:29pm
Relax, there's no way that any guy can use your pregnancy as a way to gain full custody. You are marrying the guy, you do have the wedding date planned, you will be moving in together at some point. Let him try! What you have with your new guy has no bearing on a previous agreement and arrangement unless you were really too ill to take care of your daughter. Then things could be changed, but most likely only until you were no longer ill, a temporary arrangement. Besides, *custody* doesn't mean who she lives with.

By the way, congrats on your pregnancy!! Such an exciting time, I really hope you enjoy it! How does your daughter feel about it?

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:32pm
I got pregnant 6 months into having a relationship with my now-husband - who I share joint custody (50/50 split) of our 6 year old (then 4 year old) son. We did not live together when I got pregnant, we were not engaged. I moved in 3 months later, and our son was 1 before we got married.

Do you have reason to suspect your ex would challenge the custody arrangement? I don't know where you live, but normally an unexpected pregnancy is not grounds to move for a change of custody.

Best wishes to you!

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 8:48pm

Hi


I don't have any experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:30am
Thank you all for your replys. My daughter is very excited about the wedding (she's helping make plans) and the baby (probably mainly because she knows I'll be staying home for awhile and she won't have to go to summer or after school daycare for awhile, LOL).

My ex is still VERY bitter about the divorce, I left him and he never wanted it. Until early this year he was still telling my daughter he thought we'd get back together - its been 3 years. Part of the reason we never could've reconciled was the mind games he kept playing with her. I would'nt put it past him to take anything he sees as an opportunity to try and get more time with our daughter; or rather - take time away from me. He wouldn't be doing it because he thought it was best for her - only to make things worse for me. She's already expressed a desire to be with me more, but at her age, she's still too young for her opinion to be considered plus, I would never ask her to choose. She doesn't want to hurt her dads feelings by saying she wants to be with me more. He was very uninvolved with her while we were together and I honestly believe he only is doing the 1/2 time because he wants to show everyone that HE is trying to be a good dad despite the fact that I "ripped apart our family and scarred our daughter".
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 12:00pm
I'm glad your daughter is so happy and involved. Sounds to me like she's adjusted fine to the situation. If she wasn't doing well then he might have a reason for taking her more, but considering that she wants to be with you more and that she's so excited about the upcoming wedding and new baby, I'm sure he's got no leg to stand on.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 12:41pm
I seriously doubt he can do anything to change the custody agreement just because you could be/are pregnant with your fiancee's child. You have made a committment to this man so you are not just going out and sleeping with random guys and ended up pregnant. That might cause a stir with your ex and could cause potential issues. You have a promise to marry and even if you don't, you are in a relationship with the man. Plus, you are taking care of your DD without a problem. He'd have to prove you are unfit and having a baby with a man you are in love with...married or not, is not my idea of unfit.

Mel

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:37am
Congradulations to the pregnancy, wishing you all the best for your wedding plans and welcome to the board!

Obviously your X has some serious issues and I think if he does try anything regarding mind games, you might have the upper hand instead of him to prove he is unstable and unfit. I definitly wouldn't worry about the other way around. I know it's easier said than done, but relax and try not to get yourself wound up. Try and take your daughter to the Doctor to watch her brother and sister. INVOLVE HER as much as you can. My oldest and youngest girls are 7 yrs apart and Alex thought it was the coolest that she got to go to the doctor, help pick out ideas for names, help with the room, clothes, baby shower and that I always explained that being the oldest and biggest she has a certain responsibility and that she has special kudos that the little one won't have. It helped. Anything to keep from having fears about the baby taking her mom away. What is the relationship with your DD and your Fiance? He can always help in making her feel as if she isn't a third wheel suddenly. I am sure he isn't doing that, but maybe that the both of them have a certain day trip together to the zoo or even just baskin robbins. LIttle stuff goes a long way.



Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 8:03am
Thank you everyone for the replys. I do feel better about it.

My DD and DF get along very well. I wouldn't say there's love their yet, but they definitely like each other and my dd is very comfortable with my df. He has no kids (never married) but spent a lot of time with neices/nephews, some of them my daughters age. He babysat for me a couple of days when camp had closed but i had to go to work. They did great, plus one night when her throat was bothering her and she had trouble sleeping (I was exhausted and had to be at work very early and didn't even here her coughing) he got up at 1:30 in the morning, made her chicken noodle soup and sat up with her watching a movie until she got drowsy again, then put her back to bed.

I think they are doing great towards building a relationship. I printed some of the step-parent articles off ivillage for him to read. He did read them, said he already knew most of it, did agree with the importance of regular communication. It meant a lot to me that he was willing to read them. My daughter and I talk about everything and she is very comfortable asking me questions. We've already covered the "do I have to call him daddy" (No); "can he ground me?" (He has to be respected as an adult, but any longterm punishments the three of us can discuss together), etc. So far, she's been very comfortable with things.
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 1:57pm
I haven't read any of the replies yet, so I'll be interested. But I wanted to say WELCOME! And surely no one will call you unfit because your preg by your fiance! This is not 1890. People know better. But I can understand the fear that comes when you have a custody arrangement and you're hoping not to rock the boat! Paranoia can set in pretty quickly!!!
Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 2:01pm

It sounds like everything is going wonderfully for you! I forgot to add congratulations on the pregnancy!!!!


You have a great guy, but I am certain you already know that.

Becky

Becky