Ethical dilemma

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Ethical dilemma
10
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:18am
Long story but the gist is that ex received a very large check but because of some problems with a stopped payment check before, his bank wouldn't let him deposit it even to clear up his account and he asked if we would process it through our account, and offered to give us some money for doing the favor and to help out with dd. Well at first we said that if we did it we wouldn't take anything for it and we were going to do it because otherwise he was going to be paying more than he offered to give us to a check cashing place and would have been walking from that place to his house with far more cash than anyone should be carrying and we didn't think that was a safe situation; and for that matter not safe for him to have that much cash in the house regardless. But after some thought, we thought that yes, it was justified for us to take a small "thank you" amount not really just for our trouble but because he doesn't pay any and has never paid any child support. But he is on disability and while this is pretty much the last of his share of land that he's owned through some inheirtance that he just sold, he regularly mismanages money and it's probably not going to be gone any faster by us accepting the offer than not. But is it ethical? I don't know anymore. If I didn't have dd, I wouldn't even consider it. Course, in the meantime, since there's a hold on the check, we're out $3000 to get him by and get him caught up enough with rent and groceries and other debts that couldn't wait until the hold date. (That we'll take out regardless since it's just a loan.) I wish we'd just said, no we can't help you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 12:26pm
I remember when I was little and my dad saying, "never lend money if you can't afford to not see it again".

Of course with close friends and family we don't believe that they would shaft us, but it does happen.

When I was with my son's dad, we had some money saved up that we were going to put towards a downpayment. His boss, a good friend of his, came to him and asked for a loan. The boss and wife had been pre-approved for a mortgage, but when they went to apply for the mortgage they didn't have as much money in savings as they had had when they were pre-approved. So my ex lent him $3000.00 that was only supposed to be kept for a few days until the bank was satisfied that they had enough money. Then we were supposed to get the full amount back. Guess what happened? They did pay it back, but over the next 2 years and $200.00 a time. Nice, hey?

So to be realistic, I would not lend money if I knew I needed it back. I'm not talking the $5.00 you cover someone's lunch with, but the $500.00 someone asks for. I just cannot do it.

I just hope that you tell him no can do if he asks again. And don't feel sorry for him, he was the one who got himself into the situation, not your responsibility to bail him out.

Alison

Photobucket

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:19pm
The check is already in my account, they just won't "release" the funds until it clears his brother's account (which it will;that's not even an issue, it's just waiting for it to clear since it's in another state) so getting the money back is not an issue as we simply will take it out of the money we give to ex. It's just the ethical dilemma of whether to accept the offer of us keeping a bit more of the money than what he owes us as a thank you for helping out and to help us out with dd since he doesn't and won't ever pay any child support. (Because he's on disability, no child support was ordered by the court.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 2:03pm
I think it's only fair to get some compensation- he did, after all, offer it to begin with, right?

That said, you aren't going to take all the money, but something to acknowledge your help. I don't think you should feel bad.

My ex gets disability and I still get a portion of it. His responsibility to his son isn't diminished because he's given disability.

Can I ask how he's disabled?

Alison

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 2:21pm
I would give him all the money unless there are actual charges incurred by you. Best to take the high road. But make it clear this is one time only - no more.

Knee jerk reaction when an ex asks for anything is no. If there is hesitation then I need to look into this matter and get back with you. Never out and out yes - keeps you sane.

I never lend money to anyone. And I don't borrow either.

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 2:39pm
He had 4 failed back surgeries in the span of about 6 months. That was about 5 years ago and he's permanently disabled as a result (unable to sit or stand in one place long enough to hold a full time job and of course unable to do lifting.) He also has a heart condition and is over 50. Because he's on disability, I do get a small amount of Social Security for dd but they didn't order a dime for child support and I gave him 80% of the proceeds from the house we sold when we got divorced because the majority of the downpayment was from his inheiritance even though it was my job that qualified us for the payments on it. So, it's not as if I haven't taken the high road already. In our state I could easily have gotten 50%. But that didn't seem right to me. He offered us $500 of a $14,000 check because he would have had to pay $750 to the check cashing place. As I said, if it weren't for dd, I wouldn't even think about it. But she needs a new bike as hers is broken, new snow boots, new clothes for winter, etc. Things he's never provided for her. The SS I get only barely covers her daycare expense and that's only during the school year when she's only there part time. Basically my dh provides tons more financially than her bio father ever has, including her health and dental insurance. But then he provides a stable home and active parenting too so that's not surprising. And truthfully, we don't resent that we don't get ex's help in supporting dd but since he offered, it seemed like something to consider.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 3:18pm
I think that had you looked at this as a business arrangement and he was simply paying you a fee for processing the check for him, instead of the check cashing company it would have been ok. But if you already agreed to do it and told him you would not accept the money, it would be wrong now to say you've changed your mind and want the money afterall (in my opinion).

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 3:32pm
No, we weren't changing our mind. Before we made the final arrangements to do it, we'd already said that we would accept the money because yes, if he was going to have to give someone the money to get it done, it might as well be someone who could benefit his dd with it. And that was basically how he'd put it; that if he had to give someone money to get this processed, he would prefer that it was us. I was just questioning if that was the right thing to do or not. I really try to do the right thing and sometimes it doesn't feel as if it's always so clear cut.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 7:11pm
Is it the right thing to do?

If it were me I would look at the relationship I have with this person.

If I want to keep it business, I'd probably take the offer. Then it is a clear cut service you did for him and he paid you back and there is nothing left unfinished.

If it is more of a personal relationship, I might do it as a favor and ask for nothing in return, or expect nothing in return.

On the other hand, he wants to pay you. He offered. Maybe that is a way for him to feel like he is not being "bailed out" by you. I see nothing wrong with that. I've been told (by a very generous person) that if someone offers you something, refusing it may be more of an insult than taking it sometimes.

Regardless, you'll have to make your own decision based on what you think is the right thing to do, not based on the actual money involved.

I am not sure if I've helped you at all. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:09pm
Okay - this clarifies it better - if he offered and you could use the money for DD then I think it is okay.
Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 4:19am
Personally, I'd take it since it was offered.



http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">