Ethical dilemma
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Ethical dilemma
| Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:18am |
Long story but the gist is that ex received a very large check but because of some problems with a stopped payment check before, his bank wouldn't let him deposit it even to clear up his account and he asked if we would process it through our account, and offered to give us some money for doing the favor and to help out with dd. Well at first we said that if we did it we wouldn't take anything for it and we were going to do it because otherwise he was going to be paying more than he offered to give us to a check cashing place and would have been walking from that place to his house with far more cash than anyone should be carrying and we didn't think that was a safe situation; and for that matter not safe for him to have that much cash in the house regardless. But after some thought, we thought that yes, it was justified for us to take a small "thank you" amount not really just for our trouble but because he doesn't pay any and has never paid any child support. But he is on disability and while this is pretty much the last of his share of land that he's owned through some inheirtance that he just sold, he regularly mismanages money and it's probably not going to be gone any faster by us accepting the offer than not. But is it ethical? I don't know anymore. If I didn't have dd, I wouldn't even consider it. Course, in the meantime, since there's a hold on the check, we're out $3000 to get him by and get him caught up enough with rent and groceries and other debts that couldn't wait until the hold date. (That we'll take out regardless since it's just a loan.) I wish we'd just said, no we can't help you.

Of course with close friends and family we don't believe that they would shaft us, but it does happen.
When I was with my son's dad, we had some money saved up that we were going to put towards a downpayment. His boss, a good friend of his, came to him and asked for a loan. The boss and wife had been pre-approved for a mortgage, but when they went to apply for the mortgage they didn't have as much money in savings as they had had when they were pre-approved. So my ex lent him $3000.00 that was only supposed to be kept for a few days until the bank was satisfied that they had enough money. Then we were supposed to get the full amount back. Guess what happened? They did pay it back, but over the next 2 years and $200.00 a time. Nice, hey?
So to be realistic, I would not lend money if I knew I needed it back. I'm not talking the $5.00 you cover someone's lunch with, but the $500.00 someone asks for. I just cannot do it.
I just hope that you tell him no can do if he asks again. And don't feel sorry for him, he was the one who got himself into the situation, not your responsibility to bail him out.
Alison
That said, you aren't going to take all the money, but something to acknowledge your help. I don't think you should feel bad.
My ex gets disability and I still get a portion of it. His responsibility to his son isn't diminished because he's given disability.
Can I ask how he's disabled?
Alison
Knee jerk reaction when an ex asks for anything is no. If there is hesitation then I need to look into this matter and get back with you. Never out and out yes - keeps you sane.
I never lend money to anyone. And I don't borrow either.
If it were me I would look at the relationship I have with this person.
If I want to keep it business, I'd probably take the offer. Then it is a clear cut service you did for him and he paid you back and there is nothing left unfinished.
If it is more of a personal relationship, I might do it as a favor and ask for nothing in return, or expect nothing in return.
On the other hand, he wants to pay you. He offered. Maybe that is a way for him to feel like he is not being "bailed out" by you. I see nothing wrong with that. I've been told (by a very generous person) that if someone offers you something, refusing it may be more of an insult than taking it sometimes.
Regardless, you'll have to make your own decision based on what you think is the right thing to do, not based on the actual money involved.
I am not sure if I've helped you at all. Good luck!
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