Even With the RO....
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| Sun, 12-04-2005 - 4:56pm |
I didn't have anyone to drop off my dd Friday night so I was stuck doing it.
I pulled up a couple of parking spots away from ex, who was alone as well....
I had some antibotic cream that the doctor prescribed for dd b/c when she came home last week she had a terrible rash on her private parts. She smelled so bad and was crying saying that she hurt, so naturally, I took her to the doctor. So, I had to give the cream to my ex. I was nice, tried to hand it to him, and told him how many times a day she was supposed to have it applied. He would not look at me, take the cream from me, or even acknowledge I was even explaining stuff to him about our dd. After 3 times of trying to hand it to him, he finally turned around and yelled at me. Earlier that day I had called his step-mom and told her about it and explained that ex was supposed to have dd. She was completely shocked at the fact that ex was supposed to have dd again and said that she would tell him. So, he was yelling at me due to the fact that I called his step-mom. He told me, with his limited vocabulary (ie the F word) not to ever call his step-mom again or anyone in his family. He con't on to say that if I have anything to say about his dd then to call him. So, I told him to drop his attitude and no, I wouldn't be calling him. His step-mom called me enough and talked horribly to me, so if I chose to call her and explain about dd's situation, then I would. Furthermore, I'm not about to call him and violate the order of protection.
Anyway, he starts yelling, and I told again to drop his attitude and just be a freaking adult. I get dd out of the car, try to wake her up to say bye, and handed her to him. During this time, he gets very close to my face and says, "Pretty soon I'm going to give you a reason to have to use that restraining order, I can tell you that." Well that enraged me, so I yelled "I'm fixing to use right now!" He put his finger to his lips and said "ssshhhh, bi**ch." Just then a police looked over and ex jumped in his dad's truck that he was borrowing.
The police man came over after ex left and I explained the situation and showed him the ro, that says ex can't even threaten to abuse me, which didn't phase the cop, he said there was nothing he could do! So much for that stinking piece of paper! So what, I just have to wait until he does do something to me? It's so crazy!
As for the court thing Friday, no one showed up on his side. I talked to the clerk before court was in session. She told me that a couple of days before someone had called, whether it was my ex or his father she didn't know, but they requested the hearing to be cancelled. However, no one came in a signed any papers to formally dismiss the case. So, he did it the wrong by not showing up or signing anything, so he is stuck with the court costs...lol. So if one funny thing happened out of all of this is that he screwed himself - again. But who knows with these people, they always have something planned to hurt me (somehow)...so who knows what tomorrow will bring. All I know is that I'm going to take everything in stride and one day at a time when it comes to these people. I just wish that he wouldn't put our dd in the middle of this in his journey to hurt me, you know?! B/c seriously, that's all he's doing. When he's trying to hurt me he's just hurting her, which is sad and unbearable.
As for the new guy...slow slow slow is my motto! I know I have a lot on plate and I'm not ready to jump into anything right now. This guy seems to understand that, which is good, and he's not pressuring me in any way.
Wish me luck, I have to pick up dd tonight from ex...this time I will have someone with me!
Kait

I'm glad you will have someone with you tonight.
Kait,
First thing, if you have no one to drop off your dd or anyone to go with you, then I suggest next time you tell him you will meet him in the POLICE STATION PARKING LOT.
Oh dear. This is not a good start. But it is fixable.
First and Alison have very good suggestions. Here are a few things I would add, which probably say the same things as them, too:
1) when you have something to relay to exh then you have to write it down or speak with him directly. DO NOT give any info to anyone else in his family. If I was you I would tell him on the phone that you have medicine and instructions for dd and will include those at dropoff - that way he has a heads up that something needs done.
2) You need to learn to take out the "YOU" whenever you speak to him because that puts him on the defensive. Instead of "You need to give the medicine to DD." You need to say, "DD needs medicine - here it is with the doctor's instructions."
3) I think you need to find a safe place to meet him for drop off when you can't take someone with you. In time you will find it to be a big hassle to always have someone with you so it is better to come up with a plan to make it smooth and easy. The police station is a good bet.
4) Keep drop off fast, on time and easy. Have EVERYTHING you need with all special instructions written down. Simple, nice, no conversation.
5) When dodo exh comes up with his wiseacre/bad remarks, ignore them and change the subject to the task at hand. No exceptions.
6) Drop off and leave ASAP.
I think that you will get the hang of it soon enough and it will get easier. You have to treat him like a 2 year old. You don't go head to head with a 2 year old. You redirect a 2 year old.
You did put in a restraining order for a reason. Don't break it down by all of this talk with him. Remember that you are going to be doing this for a long time. Set boundaries, don't get emotional and learn to deal with him effectively. You have to outsmart him and keep your cool because he is not capable of doing the same. That is why he is divorced.
I hope this helps. It is certainly easier for me to type this than for you to have to go through it.
Here is a little story that might help. My exh called and left a message to say he wants to sign ds up for a camp during xmas week. We never discussed it and I find that to be a hassle. DS will want to play with his toys and new dog and friends. My mom might want to see him too. The last thing I want is to have to hurry out of the house for camp and then to have another interruption to my day to go and get him.
I could have called back right away to pick a fight with exh. But I didn't do that. I just didn't do anything. I figured that if exh really wanted to sign him up without my approval then he would have to take ownership and drive DS back and forth every day. Or he would not sign him up because he doesn't know my plans and doesn't want to waste his money.
As the story goes, exh talked to ds and ds said he didn't want to do it because he wants to play. Exh was trying to do something good - he figured ds would learn at this baseball camp - but exh is never good at figuring logistics.
My point is that if you want to control your stress with your exh then you have to learn to control yourself. Most of the time it is better not to answer the phone and to let them leave a message. If you don't like what it says, don't call back right away, take time to think about what you have to do.
Your mission should be only to drop off dd and give exh whatever he needs until he brings her back. NOTHING more. I am sure you can reread your story and figure how you need to work this better the next time. Start timing yourself and see how fast you can do this each time.
I hope you see what I mean. You will get it soon enough.
Okay...I thought I was meeting him in a safe place, the police station parking lot. However, he still bombards me with threats and harrassment. Tonight I had a friend go with me to pick up dd. It didn't stop him from harrassing me. However, I calmly told him if he said anything else to me that I would be walking into the police station and filing a complaint on him. He stopped talking after that.
It was a struggle to get dd's medication back from him. He refused to give it to me at first, which aggrivated me. I told him, not very nicely, but no profanity, that the medication was not for me, it was for dd, and by not giving it back to me he was only hurting his daughter. So, he threw it at me (while dd was in my arms). All this happened before he threatened me again.
This is crazy and I can't help but get angry, so to speak. But all of you are right. I'm not going to call his step-mom anymore, I'm not calling him b/c that would be violating the order; I'll just write down anything and give it to him on a note card from now on. Next time I have to see him at the police station I will TRY and remember to TRY and diffuse any situation. I will be filing a complaint if he threatens me again. The ro is there for a reason, if I need it I should use it. It's just so very hard too...I feel so guilty when I even think about having to use it. It was just the same as going and getting it...in some weird way I felt like I was betraying my ex. Funny how they play you like they do, huh? It's all a part of the abusive cycle I suppose...but right now, some part of me feels bad for him. I know I shouldn't but I don't know why I do.
DD is home, dirty, but home. She completely passed out when we got in the car. When she wakes up I'll give her a bath and get her ready for night night time.
Thanks for listening.
Kait
Kait,
I'm glad that you DO meet him in the police station parking lot.
I wonder if you asked, would a police officer come out to the parking lot to supervise?
Sounds like a good idea, one I think I'm going to have to try. I know this may sound silly, but I just don't want to be a bother to anyone, especially the police. I know that's their job and they're there to help protect people, but it just seems like I would be going out of my way to ask them. Whatever the case may be, I will go to the police station early this coming Thursday and ask if someone can be available to supervise the exchange of our dd.
Thanks,
Kait
I don't think your feelings are silly, I feel that way too about bugging people for something I feel I shouldn't have to.
I totally agree Jennie!