ever given an ultimatum or sort of ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
ever given an ultimatum or sort of ...
59
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 5:15pm

Hi all,


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 11:56am
Hey dance....just wondering as I read your posts - why do you want to get married so soon? I mean why not get engaged and take a year to plan the wedding you have dreamed about? If the planning is important to you as it seems to be allowing time to do it right will settle your nerves...I dont understand what the rush to the altar is about exactly. I DO understand what the rush to get engaged is about since you have said that you would like to be engaged with a ring as you are living with him and he knows this so he should make good on that. Then why not take time to get to the next step? Is it a biological clock thing? Sorry if I missed something. I think letting him plan the whole thing as proof to you that he is committed might backfire BIG TIME because it is clear you are more perfectionistic about details and of the two of you I would think you should be the one to do the planning since it isnt his strong point. This is part of being a great couple in my opinion - you rely on each other's strengths. Asking him to do something to prove something to you when it relies on one of his weak traits may not be accepting him the way he is and setting you both up for more struggle you know?
I like moon want to see this go your way!!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 1:14pm

Hey Dance- as you know I'm always in your corner. I get how you feel disappointed sometimes, I've been there, too. I'm learning though that the disappointments so often have to do with my own expectations that I project onto others. I'm realizing that others are who they are and I can chose to love and accept them the way they are or not. I cannot change who someone is. A few things you wrote stood out to me. I've learned sort of the hard way...


He really didn't think there was so much importance to the ring or a formal engagement. He may still propose or not ..totally up to him. I told him that I don't expect anything.


You may have told him that but really think about that. Are you sure that you are really not expecting anything? It's one thing to pull back and not tell him your expectations. But sometimes it's easy to still harbor those expectations internally, and then when he fails you feel disappointed because inside you were still expecting something. I'm not saying that you should not expect anything from him. But I think its good to realize your own expectations and own them for what they are- your expectations. If you tell him he's off the hook of your expectations then really let him off the hook. And girl, I can attest to how hard that really is. I can relate to a lot of your feelings in the past of being disappointed by what he does or does

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 1:17pm

"But I want to be sure he loves me enough to plan some thing..."


Wrong way to approach a marriage, my dear.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 1:52pm

Thanks everyone for these valuable inputs. I cant believe how much I learn here and helps me grow (yeah I actually need to grow a bit) and calms me down.


To answer city's qn..One main reason that I want us to get married in a hurry (or sooner) is because I want us

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 2:03pm

P.S: I come from a very conservative background ..so staying together, sleeping with a guy everything is total No No before wedding and no one from my family can know about how I live these days..:-(


Dance, I can SOOOOO relate to this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 2:15pm

I really think you should sit down with Biker and outline everything--to the letter!

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 2:30pm

You love Biker, you are willing to live with his inability to plan anything SO my solution--take over, wear the pants--be the boss!

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 2:43pm

"I am thinking of ways to now make us both forget about this episode and let things happen naturally. "


Wow, what an oxymoron.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 2:44pm

"I hope my eggs wont get too old in few months if I waited."


I worry that THIS is truly the motivation here to rush a marriage with someone you don't really know and haven't worked out the communication/ delegation/ compromises required in a relationship with.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 3:12pm

I think she would OK to do that but ONLY IF she is totally OK with her role as being the one to always make the plans, without resentment.


Exactly--My point was that he isn't going to make plans--he isn't going to change so if she is okay with that, if she truely loves him and is willing to live with that then she should step up.

April