The Ex: Get On With Your Life

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Registered: 12-19-2002
The Ex: Get On With Your Life
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Wed, 07-21-2004 - 9:10am
The Ex Factor: Get On With Your Life

By Courtney Knowles
Equality in Marriage Institute

When a marriage ends, some sort of relationship with your ex-spouse still remains. Maybe you have children that you still need to raise together. Maybe you have mutual friends or similar social circles. Or maybe you still remain friends after the formal partnership has ended. Whatever the circumstances, here are some tips to consider when dealing with your ex after divorce.

Understand Your Motives, Know Your Limits
Rebuilding your life and your identity after a marriage can be a very lonely and challenging experience. It is very common for people to reach a point where they are romanticizing their former marriage and wanting desperately to get back certain feelings or a sense of security.

It is important in this rebuilding process to look at the pros and cons of your previous partnership objectively, and sometimes too much interaction with your ex can prevent this from happening.


If you decide to reach out to your ex-spouse for support, make sure you understand your own motives. Do you really just want someone to talk to, or are you still hanging on to the possibility of reconciliation? Realistically, will the interaction help you or hinder you on the road to creating a new life for yourself?

Even if your long-term goal is to have a lifelong friendship with your former partner, sometimes it is necessary to keep contact to a minimum while you process the divorce and move on.

Take the High Road
If your ex remains in your life because of children or mutual friends, it is important not to fall into the habit of using this link to bash or lash out at him or her. Even after your marriage has ended, certain feelings do exist and it is normal to want the people you have in common to be on "your side."

However, bringing children or friends into the ugly side of divorce is inconsiderate and unnecessary. Use your own support network to vent your feelings of anger or betrayal. Realize that divorce affects more than just you and your partner, and that all the people in your lives will have more healthy adjustments if you are taking the high road.

Balancing Compassion and Being Counterproductive
Many marriages end because one partner wanted out, while the other is left longing for a relationship they didn't want to end. This causes pain for both people involved.

If you find yourself in the position of being the one who instigated the divorce, you may also feel a great deal of guilt and responsibility at the pain your ex is experiencing because of your decision. It is a valid instinct to want to offer support to the one you have hurt.

You must also realize that your presence may be counterproductive to your ex's rebuilding and recovery process. Balance your desire to support your former spouse against the reality that he or she needs to build a new life.

If you are extremely worried about the effects of the divorce on your ex, consult a therapist who may be able to intervene and help the two of you find some sense of closure.

When you got married, you vowed to stand beside your partner for better or worse. Even when the marriage ends, if is still your responsibility to weather the worst with dignity and respect. Make decisions and behave in a way that is responsible and allows you and the people in your life to go forward peacefully and productively.

Maggie

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:31am

I just wanted to chime in on this issue of a "divorce storm" and the moving on process.


I've never been divorced. But the more I read on this thread, the more I feel like I do understand what that might feel like, to a small degree anyway. The emotions and feelings you are describing are grief. Plain and simple. I got a doument from a counselor the other day on something called "Shadow Grief" that plainly describes the same symptoms that you are dealing with. This paper might have been outlining specifics on losing a loved one to death, but it sounds to me like it's the same pain in many ways.


This is NOT at all to minimize your pain. And I know I don't understand fully. But I do some, and I guess my point in saying anything was to encourage you that your feelings are 100% normal. Walk through it. Take care of you. And whatever you do, allow yourself to grieve the lost relationship and re-learn how to be without it.


Maggie was right. It does ebb and flow. And the emotions and feelings don't always "make sense" The paper I have called these swings Peaks and Valleys. I didn't know that existed, and so I kept wondering "What is wrong with me!? I should be getting progressively better!!!" Not so. It was surprising to learn. You would think that if you're feeling better all the time, then you should keep on feeling better wouldn't you?


I think west had a great idea. Re-decorate. Put a little more of you into the house and less of the previous relationship. That doesn't mean you can sweep him out and be "over it' but it's another great step in the healing process.


Hugs to you. I can't imagine how painful divorce must be for all of you who have been there.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 12:52pm
I think you're right on the money as they say...a divorce represents/is the death of a marriage...and there are ebbs and flows. I painted my house when my eh left and it was great. A lot of strenous work, camraderie of friends and a great look that said me, me, me all over it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 2:46pm
I just remembered a funny great movie that you have to see. It is called, "under the Tuscan sun" and is about an author whose husband cheats on her, she goes through a divorce she doesn't want and then buys this house in Italy.

It is so crazy and so funny. But the point is that her life is rebuilt as her house is remodeled.

They even have a part about a dodo that she dates that doesn't work out.

But the ending is so so happy and there are some really hilarious moments. I think I am going to look for it on DVD from ebay or amazon.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 2:47pm

Hi West


Just saw this question you posed.


Luckily, there are few occasions when my family is around the ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 2:50pm
Yes - redoing the house is grand. My son and I have been watching the show called, "Sell this House"

It is great because you can learn a lot by seeing other people's decorating mistakes and how the decorator's fix them on a shoestring budget.

After watching so many episodes I saw all the mistakes around my house. I have new paint, a partially remodeled kitchen and lots of new little things. My house is a whole new house - all MINE MINE MINE.

No male turkey here to argue about color schemes or all of my lovely ideas!! Everyone who sees it LOVES it.

Also- I got rid of anything that has bad memories or is broken or unused. That is a big weight taken away.

As an aside - the funniest moment was when I sold my wedding dress on EBAY!!!!!!! HAH!! And the wedding ring was put into an envelope with my son's name and taken to the safety deposit box at the bank.

Clean slate time, girls!! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 7:45pm
It was downbythebay that posted about being in church with her XH and his new wife and it didn't bother her. I on the other hand do not want to see my XH with another women by his side. It would make me sick. We don't live in the same town and don't go to the same church.

If being in this same house isn't bothering me, then why do I sleep so much better when I'm not here?

I went through a phase 1-2 yrs. after the divorce where I painted and rearranged the furniture. Planted new bushes outside. I got new bedding. I got new lamps and pillows for the couch. I even got new kitchen cabinets, countertop, sink, and faucet because of a water leak (paid for by insurance). But I haven't hung up anything back up on the walls in the kitchen, living room, and hallway (areas that got painted because of water leak). And it was painted 2 yrs ago! I just don't feel like buying anything for this house or doing anything else to it. I feel like he left, and I'm stuck here. I don't like the neighborhood it's in. It's on the low end as far as neighborhoods go. When I come back from a trip, I'm not glad to be back home. I don't get a good feeling as I drive into my neighborhood to my house. Do I stay here because it's affordable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 10:18pm
Well, no one could say you haven't tried to redecorate.

I think a research project is in order for you based on what you said. I know I went through a period of "I don't like this house and want something new" although probably not to the extent of you.

I went on a massive house search and realized that I have the best deal going in this area and that is when I went on my redecorating spree. Maybe you should do the same? You will either find something better or appreciate what you have.

You do sound so unhappy there. Keep us posted on what you find.

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