ex-H- has gf moving in w/him... :{

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
ex-H- has gf moving in w/him... :{
7
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 10:56pm
Hey there all....happy 2007!!! I hope it's better for all of us!! I am feeling a bit well, I'm not exactly sure to be honest. My ex has been dating his gf for about 2 mos. and called me this am to inform me that she is moving in w/him. His infatuation and 24/7 relationship w/her has already effected my 10yr old son and I am worried. I have talked to my ex about this to no avail. My son will show his dad that he's upset but not anywhere to the extent that he shows me. He is very angry and does not understand why his dad can't spend any 1 on 1 time w/him. He has talked to him and his dad did spend a little alone time w/him, then, 1 week later this news. My ex has had a different gf every year since we've divorced (5 yrs)but this is a 1st(she is single, no kids, so has all the personal time in the world for ex) I'm just not sure what to do and have to admit it's hard news to handle....I'm sure a pregnancy will be next......?????????????????
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:35am

Hi Cher,


Welcome to the board!


It's hard when our ex's move on, and even harder when we see that decision hurting our kids.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:12am

Hello and welcome to our board.

I did have a somewhat similar scenario last year with my exh and his gf and how it affected my son.

There is nothing you can really say to your exh about his behavior with his gf. The more you talk about that with exh or force the issue, the more you dilute the ability of your DS to deal with it himself, which is the only thing that really can have a change in exh's behavior. You don't want your exh to think that DS is unhappy because YOU are finding fault with it - you want exh to realize he is making DS sad because DS is losing time.

Additionally, the only real communication you should have with your exh is about your DS - not about your exh's personal life - I think that causes battles and deteriorates the civil co-parenting relationship.

What you have to do is to teach your DS how to communicate his feelings with his own father.

In our case, my exh travels all the time. So his time spent with our DS is erratic. Some weeks he sees him a lot and some weeks not. The days are not set - we have a crazy flexible arrangement where exh sees him when he wants.

So, exh starts dating this single mom with a bratty kid. They go way overboard with the too much too fast thing. And exh expects DS to be the babysitter. He made my DS take the kid to his class party - which really made my DS unhappy because he couldn't visit with his friends and the kid embarassed him. Also, my exh doted on the other kid and gave him more priveleges and attention because he was trying to impress the gf. On and on it went.

Each week I had to encourage DS to make a stand with his dad. It is hard for my DS because he doesn't get to see his dad on any kind of a dependable regular basis. So he doesn't want to rock the boat.

It wasn't until DS was really upset with something that he could finally spill the beans. In this instance, exh wanted to use his DS visit days to meet the gf's parents. THAT did not sound fun to my DS so he refused to go. And I backed him on that. I had to explain to exh that her parents are NOT my DS's family or interest. He even bribed DS with an extra day's visit from him if DS would go and DS said no. Sadly my exh refused the extra day.

Needless to say I wanted to strangle exh. But all I did was back up my son's behavior - I did not say anything about exh's behavior.

The whole thing was hard - but it did play out over several months and I would take it week by week, coaching DS to call his dad back and speak his mind. Exh did make a few changes - where he would not make DS babysit - or he would not carry the other little boy on his shoulders and make DS feel left out. But it was a struggle at best.

Now they are broken up.

So, I hope my little story helps. I know how you feel. But there is nothing you can do about your exh's behavior really. We cannot control anyone's behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 10:43am
to chercoffee, Sorry to read about the situation. Invest the time you can for your child, that is all you can do. You can't control what your ex does. IT is sad, but it is true. Children always vent more to the parent they feel more secure with, so he does not vent to your ex. You have no doubt heard all this before I am sure. thinking you, take care of yourself, treat yourself to things you enjoy too. YOu deserve it. best of luck. Cartia
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:34pm
Hello chercoffee,
Cheer up. I know that feeling. We are no longer with the exs but part is. I hate that part. I am just glad mine lives in another state and he don't bother at all with our girls. And it is okay to feel that way.
As for your son that should be your exs job to make him feel that noone will become between him and your son. It is always harder for the kids. Mine are still hurt and it has been three years since they talk or seen him.
I would like to know why it is so easy for guys to go on and we women go through all this junk. It took me three years to go on my 1st date. And the funny part was how weird I felt. Only went out with this guy two times and no he was not even close to what I am looking for.
My sister thinks I lost it. I told her why can't we woman act like men and rush into things not caring but she reminded me CAUSE HAVE RESPECT FOR OURSELF AND KIDS. I guess she right. Hang in there. But please know you are not alone with that feeling. Keep the faith and take care of yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:46pm
Just wanted to thank you so much for sharing your story and for the excellent advise. Deep down, I know what the right thing is to do, I think most of us do.....it's the 'doing it'part that is so hard. Hearing it from others truly gives me the strength to try and deal with my exh the best I can. I'm going to keep you posted and seek all of you out for your strength, kindness and support. HUGS to all C
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 5:39pm
Well my ex hasn't had a girlfriend he hasn't moved in with him. We have been split for 5 years and my kids just go with it. They kinda roll thier eyes at him a bit. And to tell you the truth the gf's probally spend more time with my kids than dad does. Good thing they have been nice. I tell my kids simple things when it comes to this. It is not them he is who he is. My mom came up with a good one for kids and it worked. "Your dad is cat and that is who he is. You might want him to bark like dog becuase you like dogs more but at the end of the day he is a cat and will never bark no matter how much you might want him too." I tell my kids I'm there no matter what. Just a phone call away if they need anything. Then again to my ex's benifit he has my kids every weekend and two weeks at Christmas and one week in the summer. And there have been so many girlfriends the kids have stopped attaching to them. I'm not sure if that helps but I do know what it is like to have to manage heart break that you don't cause. HUGS and Prayers to you dear.>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 9:21pm
Yes - please keep us posted - and remember, things like that are never solved in one day. Also, we cannot be held responsible for the dodo things our exes do!!