Ex-In Laws Know I'm mad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Ex-In Laws Know I'm mad...
6
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 4:20pm

Hi guys, well I went to pick up at my sons at their house today, and remember, they called my slutty trailer trash to a guy I might had wanted to meet... Well when I got there, a doge durango was in the driveway, and I didn't know who it was, so when my exh answered the frint door I was taken aback. I haven't been face to face with him since last June..and we rarely talk on the phone either.

Well he shaved his head, totally bauld with a razor, and had big handle bar biker mustache and did not look like I've ever seen him before..I did a quick double take of him and smiled and giggled a little, Oh well, it's you.. He laughed and said oh yeah, my head.. well we made some small talk and smiled and I asked him if he was alone, and he was. I asked him if we could have a talk about issues, or did I have to leave right this second. He laughed and said of course, so we did. We were calm, nice,decent, friendly about all the child-support, IRS, and if we are ok, and doing ok... Thenhis parents pulled up, so I asked him real quick, how come when we are alone we can communicate well, but when a 3rd party is involved, it's all hell breaks loose?? He smiled and said, that's just the way it love, but you and I can talk ok?? So then, THE in-laws came in , and my split personality kicked in...

I did not acknowlege them in the least bit, when asked how I was , they got a fine, from by back , I got DS shoes on, I told exh that in June DS was going into track, and if he could would he get the shoes, and I would pay the enrollment fee, he walked over to me so he and I could talk, without distance across the kitchen, and asked what kind, etc etc.. said sure etc.. So DS gave him and THEM a hug and said goodbye, and when I was told by good bye I simply closed the door behind me..

Ok am i totally childish, or do they really need to know I know, or can i limit conversation to only about DS, and make the drop off/pick up as quick as possible...

Florence

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 6:17pm

I can tell you what works for me. You have a long way to go and many burdens to bear. I would do what it takes to keep the peace. Sometimes this means setting a boundary - which is good what you did with the track shoes and fees and asking him if you can speak.

And sometimes you need to let stuff go - which is what your inlaws said. I don't think their opinion or actions will change because that is how they see stuff. It really does not affect your kids and they do help and treat the kids nice.

I think you have to keep the topics to the kids and all else stays quiet. I do not think you should ever discuss their personal matters with any of them. Do not allow them to ask you or discuss anything personal about you either. This keeps it clean and easy. I have always had the policy of minimal info, maximum politeness.

I think if you move forward in the direction of "this is what makes it easiest for the kids......." meaning you offer solutions to challenges and only worry about how stuff affects the kids - it gets a lot more simple. I think this would apply to how you drop off/pick up, spend money for them, whatever. Try to avoid the "you" word at all times - something like "you always make me mad" would be very bad because it puts the other person on the defensive. If they want to discuss anything other than the kids you leave or cut the conversation short but in a nice way - "that is not up for discussion."

With regards to what they said - yeah - it stinks and it hurts and it infuriates you. But you cannot control their actions - only your own. And as we said before I don't see why you would want to date a friend of theirs and especially when he talks to them about you and listens to them. In all actuality, I think they did you a favor. And I doubt if you will be in that circumstance again. They will add to your kids' lives and help you - so you should let that go. And you certainly don't want to discuss your dating life with your exh.

Hope this helps. When you can get the stress level down to neutral with your exh and be civil and productive for the kids it adds a huge amount of peace to your life. It is what I have done and we are rolling along smoothly and I cannot put a value on that for my life. It is just so good for right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 8:32pm

I certainly didn't talk about my personal life with my exh, I brought up subjects he and I needed to discuss, and why I should be fake nice and "polite" to people who obviously hate, I don't understand. Yes the conversation should be only about DS, and asking me how I am when he isn't in the room, doesn't deserve a response from me. They have gone out of their way to be "supportive" of me, always there to lend a hand and think so highly of me, that it makes me sick. If they had kept the topics to only DS,I wouldn't be so upset at what they said about me, but they act like their still my family.I don't ever talk about my personal life with them, but they ask about school and things like that..they are the ones who told me last year to not let exh see DS unless he paid his child support, which I didn't do. If my son is the room with us, then I will look and talk to him, and if something needs to be talked about concerning him, I will respond politly, but I refuse the need for small talk and fake smiles.

I know I will need to call on them for help picking up DS in the future, if it is about DS they will, so if it isn't about DS why do I have to be nice?? and I think I've established that I don't want or have any interest in dating the guy...

Florence

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 9:14pm

I have the MIL who smiles to your face and sticks a knife in your back. I have always tried to accept that in her character and just not confide to much sensitive info. In many ways they were my only family so I tried to always keep good communications going. I called and chatted atleast once a week, often more. Her son however never wanted to talk to her, I had to dial the phone and hand it to him on her birthdy, Mothers Day and Christmas. (for 14 years mind you). I felt I had been far more a daughter than her son had ever been a son. But who is the bady now?? Me. It royally stinks to be in that place.

However, there are kids in the picture and kids are very sensitive to tension. Your son will pick up on those vibes despite what you say, and he will feel awkward. Thats not fair to him. They may do terrible things, but it is not his fault and they dont seem to want to hurt him. Be as pleasant as you can for your sons sake and just continue to keep your private life private. He doesnt need to feel like he is in the middle, or that he will have to chose a side.

I havent yet had to deal with seeing the inlaws personally since at the moment we are too far away, but I am sure I will be feeling the stress to be polite, just as you are. I just hope to do the right thing, to be mature even when they are being childish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 9:16pm

I don't think you should be mad with them because you don't want to discuss why and nothing productive will become of that and you may jeopardize the good you have. I think it is okay if you take a chill and minimize contact for a while. Then you will give yourself time to get over it.

I do totally understand why your feelings would be hurt if they go from all supportive lovey dovey to back stab with that guy. I totally understand - and I know it is hard for you to take the high road.

But really, I can't imagine what my exh's parents would say about me to a potential date!! OMG - it might even be worse!! I bet many would have this problem.

At least yours help you. I have not heard from mine since the divorce and I bet they would go out of their way to inconvenience me, not help me. UGH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 4:20am
I agree. Its is INFURIATING what they said, BUT, you be ABOVE them. Im not saying kiss their butts. Being cold & cool is fine. But, you must do whats best & easiest for your kids. Also, if they were saying this kind of hting to your CHILD, *then* there would be hell to pay. But for now, it seems as if they are decent to your kids.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 4:23am
I guess I am lucky. Both my MIL & FIL

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