Exactly what I need right now

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Registered: 05-29-2003
Exactly what I need right now
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Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:23pm

Tonight HN and I finally got to talk about Monday night without colleague or little people ears wondering what we are talking about. I practically inhaled a glass of wine as the phone rang and he admitted to having a beer before he dialed my number - we were both anxious, but all is good - at least good enough for the two of us and that's all that matters.

We talked about what happened on Monday night and whether or not it was a fluke. We decided that it wasn't a fluke (and that it was very good - all three times) but that it was probably a little too early. Regardless of whether or not we have sex again soon we both want to continue seeing each other. We confirmed that we enjoy spending time together and neither one of us is currently seeing anyone else. We made a deal that if either one of us decides that we feel the need for our relationship to be exclusive we will tell the other. Likewise, we promise to tell the other if there comes a time that we start seeing anyone else. Neither one of us knows when or if ever we would be ready for a long-term commitment, but we both want a "safe place" where we can enjoy doing things together and be patient in trying to figure out what it is that is going on between us. Maybe were just very good friends. . . maybe we're something more. We're not in a race to figure it all out. I feel great because I feel like there isn't any more awkwardness left - not in our conversation or in our physical closeness. I can't tell you how long it's going to last, but I do think we're going to have a lot of fun for as long as it does - months or decades - either way I won't be sorry.

We're going out tomorrow night. Have a great weekend!!!

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Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 7:46am

M2M, I hope that this is a mirror of how my conversation with Double D goes on Monday. I'm happy for you, so happy that it went the way you want it to, you both agree on where you are and where you want to be, and no one is feeling the need to play games. Yay!

Moody, hopeful


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Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 8:18am
Thanks! I'll be sending you good luck vibes on Monday!
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Registered: 10-09-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:51am
This is very adult of both of you and sets the tone for how you'll behave in the future. This stuff is hard and you did it! Good for you and good luck.
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Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 2:20pm
HI, I appreciate what you are saying. I just want to focus on my child and do not want a serious relationship. I would like to have just a friend. However it is hard to find people who that is enough for. They exist, I quess. I am at the point where I just focus on my child and try to do things I enjoy. I probably should create an active circle of people to do things with. I just got into a rut. It is hard to break schedules and once you get into that routine. Have fun. good luck. Cartia
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Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:55pm

It is good that you had that discussion so you know what to expect. It sounds to me like he is unsure what he wants romantically but he enjoyed an evening of adult pleasure.

Did you have fun on your date? We want a date report!

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Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:23pm

I think you are right in that he is unsure of what he wants romantically - but I am unsure as well. First and foremost, we are both committed to keeping our friendship intact.

As for our date - it wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but it was enjoyable and relaxing - dinner and then we watched another movie at his place - only this time we weren't alone for the movie - another couple who we both have known for years joined us. I try not to overanalyze, but I think it's possible that he suggested inviting the other couple to join us so that I wouldn't feel like the only reason he wanted to go back and hang out at his house was for the possibility of us having sex again.

We saw each other again on Saturday night at a semi-formal holiday gathering at our university, but we both arrived and left alone - we did not go as dates.

On Monday he was excited that he got an old piece of equipment working. He showed me some of his data and explained it to me. We discussed the similarities and differences between the work he is currently doing and the type of work I used to do. These are the kind of conversations that I don't think either of us have ever been able to share with someone that we might also be romantically interested in.

Being "like-minded" intellectually is definately a plus for me. I could never talk to my ex-H about my work. My ex-H was very insecure with the fact that we have different levels of education and different types of careers. He regularly felt as though I thought less of him because he didn't have an advanced degree and because I usually made more money than him - even being on the "mommy-track". It's true that I eventually thought less of him - but not for those reasons. Over time I lost respect for my ex because he never took responsibility for his own life and happiness. Everything was always someone else's fault. - well that doesn't have much to do with my date does it.

I'm not sure what our plans are for this weekend yet - I'm trying hard to wait and let him be the one to ask.

Edited 1/9/2007 3:05 am ET by mom2maggie




Edited 1/9/2007 3:45 am ET by mom2maggie
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Tue, 01-09-2007 - 9:38am
Thanks for the support. I think many women would tell me to not settle for a partial relationship - which is how I can best describe what I feel like I'm in. I think HN and I care too much for each other to be considered friends with benefits - but I agree that it's entirely possible that we will never get any closer or any more committed than we already are. However, I'm OK with that right now. Finally after all the divorce/other woman & other child turmoil that I went through with my ex-H, I'm finally feeling very happy with my work and life at home with my children. I need a few years to sort of "coast". I like having a good male friend to discuss things with and to do fun things with a few weekends a month - the sex was awesome too! However, I'm not looking to get married, for a father for my children, or even for a live-in boyfriend. Right now, for me - HN's fear of long-term committent is actually something that contributes to making our partial relationship work rather than detract from it.
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Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 10:44am

If you are happy there is a lot to be said for that.

THE only thing I can see to caution you - is that you are depending on him for an awful lot. Activities, someone to talk to, etc.

I would rather see you getting out and finding a lot of friends and activities and not depending solely on him because it is convenient right now. Because when you are not moving forward you are moving backward.

If he finds a serious girl or gets busy or flakes out, you are left stranded with nothing to do. And then you have to start from scratch to ramp up your adult social life. And this is a huge hill to have to climb from point zero.

Just food for thought!! :-)

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Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:09am

I totally agree - and I could use the reminder - thanks!

While I haven't really been actively seeking out other men to date, I have been paying much more attention to maintaining/strengthening relationships with three of my women friends. I am also trying to get to know my sister-in-laws better.

I do have hobbies outside of work - but they tend to be things that I choose to do alone -running, gardening, and home repairs.

The possiblity of him flaking out and disappearing is something that he and I have already talked about - because we both know that he has done so in the past. Although he can't guarantee that he wont disappear, he seems very sincere when he talks about how we are different because we were friends for so long first. He takes the responsibility of being my friend pretty seriously.

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Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:58am

I got the most eerie feeling of deja vu while reading this thread. It seems as if another poster a few weeks, maybe months ago typed nearly the same things.

I think as long as you're happy with the way things are going, he's happy with the way things are going, then that's wonderful. I do agree with Judy though, in that he can't be the center of your life. Doing things solo is great, and maintaining and improving your female friendships is never a bad idea.

I know for me personally, I have a terrible habit of letting my friendships slide simply because there isn't enough time in the day and I'm so excited to be spending time with the guy. This time, and any other time after this, I'm NOT going to do that. It isn't fair to me, it isn't fair to my girls, and it isn't fair to the guy to have all that pressure. My friends will always be there for me, and have, and their friendships can't suffer simply because I'm in like with a guy that may or may not be around in six months.

Moody, valuing all of her relationships today


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