Falling apart?
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| Fri, 05-13-2005 - 12:17pm |
I know I am doing well but it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. I'm doing all the right things and I am not sitting around wallowing in self pity. I know in my head that the breakup was the right thing to do. I am going to let my heart heal and I understand it is going to take time.
But I have all these self defeating thoughts. I can counteract them but it's getting more and more difficult. It goes something like this:
Self defeating thought: I am not lovable, nobody has ever loved me the way I wish they would.
I remind myself: I am picking the wrong men, I pick men who are not capable of giving me what I need. I can pick better next time because I have learned so much about myself (when I'm ready).
Self defeating thought: My bf did not feel I was worthy of being a part of my life or me being part of his (meeting family, planning a future, etc., those things we did not do in our relationship). I wasn't good enough.
I remind myself: This is more about him and what is going on in his life, than about me and who I am.
I go through this process over and over, and at least today the self defeating thoughts are winning. I feel like I am just putting up a strong front and it's not going to hold, that at any minute I'm just going to fall apart. Mostly I know I just miss him so much : (


Oh dear, First, HUGS to you today.
I know what you mean - breakups are so so hard!! I wish you a bright spot of happiness somehow!!
I know it is a struggle to keep your self talk in line - you are indeed very loveable - in fact, for all you have been through you have really done a great job to grow and learn and do better.
This is all about him not being able to cope with his situation and give you the love you want. It is not about you at all.
The thing is that with any relationship you take a chance that it won't work out. And when it doesn't work out then it hurts. But it is better to have tried and had this experience than to sit home alone all those empty nights.
You are very worthy of love - just hang in there. I really believe that all of your experiences and all of your learning are going to bring you something great one day. You have a lot to offer the right person with your good career, your good head, your empathy and your lovely dd.
Keep your self talk positive - don't let it beat you up!! It is totally normal to have all of those dark thoughts. I get those too. But the I beat them down!!
Thank goodness the weekend is here - do you have anything fun planned at all? Do you have dd this weekend? I will be here working so you can write back and forth some!!
We will both pick better ones this time around!! I think the thing is that you have to be aware that there are right ones for you and wrong ones and I know that now and I know you know that too.
Hug hug hug!
Positive self talk is SOOO important! But I know that you know that.
And I have to say, I would probably disagree with your statement that you're just picking the wrong men. But you are right, it WAS about him and where he was.
Keep it up. It's so hard. I don't know what the timeframe for getting though this will be, because it's different for everyone. Is there anything fun that you've always wanted to do that you can throw yourself into for a few weeks? I know for me, it was the cake decorating thing! Not for the same reasons, but definitely a self challenge.
Keep venting it here, and have courage! I know you won't fall apart. You've come so far. Just RECOGNIZING that you might is a great sign that you know exactly where you are and you'll do the right things for you. It's just a bad day.
Becky