Is the father of your child involved?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Is the father of your child involved?
7
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 2:32pm

My ex husband never wanted to be a dad. He didn't say it, but you could tell when I got pregnant. He went to 3 dr's appointments out of 20, and wasn't even in the room for the delivery. After the birth, he had no interest in feedings, changes, bonding, etc.

Anyway, he hasn't seen our now 18 month old since Easter and that visit was 15 minutes long. The visits before then were between 10-15 minutes and there was a total of 3 visits. I have asked my ex to be more involved but to no avail!

I keep hearing horror stories and experts who say children who grow up without their father are more proned to do drugs, get pregnant, drop out of school etc. Anyone have any book suggestions that can help me raise my daughter to rise above this?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 2:49pm

My ex-h was not sure he wanted children, he wouldn't have if I hadn't pushed it, and I don't think he bonded with dd until she was around 1 year old.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 5:02pm

My exh is in ds's life on a pretty regular basis - he travels a lot. But they have fun when they are together.

I think the most important thing is that you are happy and provide a stable home for your child. Be involved as much as you can and build her self esteem.

Lance Armstrong's mom did a great job all by herself and many single moms do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 6:29pm
Well I don't know of any books however I do know a couple of girls whos stories might be of some help. Ones father didn't want her and he made her life horrid just for fun. She'd had been better off without him. Then there are my favorite sisters who's dad won't talk to them and they refer to him by his last name and will not call him dad for nothing. They are wonderful people who didn't drop out of high school both are going to college neither one is pregant both are engaged to nice guys and have never done drugs. Their mom is a trip and I'm sure according to any book she did all the things that should never be done around children but they were loved. Their mom loved them and they knew it. She'd call them on something they did wrong and they looked to their grandpa as a male role model. This mom is amazing to me. She did drugs, have many bf's married 4 times, sold drugs out of her house, insane I can't imainge growing up in that enviornment however all 6 of her children are the best people you would ever meet. All went or are going to college some of the proudest people I know. Independent, self suffiecent, good natured, good hearted, people. I ask them many questions because I want to know more about how they are all so wonderful and grew up like they did. They tell me they were loved and always knew it. Goodluck dear. I think if he doesn't want to be involved then that is his loss and you can't make him do something he dosen't want to. If you try to force it he will just be mean to the baby. Love that little girl all you can and she will be fine. HUGS and Prayers.>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 6:30pm

You post has two questions, so I'll answer them separately...

1) Yes my ex is very involved in my dd's life. He sees her every Wednesday for dinner and has her every other weekend, we also share holidays, birthdays etc...and pretty much anytime she wants to see him, or if he has a special occasion and wants to have her, we work it out. She is very lucky that we get along. :)

2) You are prematurely worried about horror stories. I suggest you stop reading, listening to horror stories, and start reading/listening to some success stories. I don't have any statistics to back this up, but my personal gut feeling tells me that for a girl the absence of a father is better than being around a father who doesn't want you. A father figure in a girl's life can be enriching. If she has uncles, a grandfather or a stepfather who can fulfill this role for her use them!

And as long as you are there for her, engaged in parenting her, supporting her and helping her build up her self-esteem, she'll know how to make the right choices, with or without a father. As for books, I can't really recommend any yet, but I am reading a book called "Girls will be Girls, Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters." I really like it so far, I'll let you know when I'm finished.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 7:29pm

My exh wanted boys. He had this vision of raising the next generation of sports dynasty family, NFL quarterbacks, major league pitchers, and/or NASSCAR drivers. He was very involved with DS as a baby and toddler. The day the ultrasound told us the baby #2 was a girl, he lost all interest in my pregnancy. He never fed her, I don't think he ever changed her diaper, and I could probably count every time her ever held her if I thought long enough. Unfortunately, as DS got a little older, it became obvious that he has tremendous artistic and musical talents, he can draw anything and play piano by ear, but on the sports field, he has as much coordination and grace as a sick elephant. (Ironically, DD was a star t-ball player this year.) So for the most part, XH has little to do with either one of them whenever he has a girlfriend. When he is between girlfriends, he will see them at least every other month (he lives 500 miles away) and calls 3-5 times per week. When he is hot and heavy with someone, he calls them once every two or three weeks, and may not see them for 6 or 8 months. Actually, I don't have that much of a problem with it. I would rahter not have them exposed to his family (and him) which is more dysfunctional than your average Jerry Springer guests. Instead, I have made sure my children spent time around positive male role models: my stepdad, my brother, our pastor, a good male friend, etc. They see more of how men should be, and understand that their dad has his problems, and they are not the cause of them, nor are they responsible for "fixing" him. In the three years he and I have been apart, it hasn't all been perfect, but all in all, they are happier and more well adjusted than when we lived with them and were on the receiving end of his disappointment on a regular basis.

HTH

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 9:05pm

The best thing you can do is be the reliable parent that your daughter can trust to be there and love her no matter what. If her dad wants little or nothing to do with her, you will just have to double up the love you give her. Expose her to other men in your life when you can, grandfathers, uncles, friends- even husbands of female friends. Just don't go overboard worrying that she's not getting enough male attention, it will work itself out.

I agree with the others who said not to focus on the negative stories, but to seek out the positive ones. A child of either sex can turn out just as "bad" with a two-parent family, so you can't rely on those stories that are singling out the single parent ones. As far as I'm concerned, it's the parenting of whatever parent is there that will make the difference in the child's life- not whether they're male or female.

In my situation, ds' father is over 12 hours away by car, so he doesn't see him often. We talk at least once a week, but ds isn't really into chatting on the phone yet. But I will keep his dad updated and let him know what is going on in his life and his accomplishments and so on. He sees him in the summer, keeps him for a month at a time. If he ever gets a job *sigh* then he may be able to afford a plane ticket for ds to visit him more, but it's not likely to happen soon...

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 9:03am
Thanks ladies for all the advice!