Feeling Awful - Please Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Feeling Awful - Please Help!
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Wed, 02-01-2006 - 1:11pm

Right now, I am sitting at my desk, tears in my eyes, and trying not to totally lose it. I just got off the phone w/Steve, this guy I met from E-Harmony back in November. I just recently posted that two weeks ago when we were together, I told him about my STD. He said that because he really liked me, we would work around it. Today he told me that he was flipping channels on tv last night and saw a show talking about the STD that I have. He said he learned things that he never knew, and unfortunately none of them were very positive. I guess the show said that even wearing protection, you have a 50/50 chance of getting the STD from your partner. I didn’t know that. I thought you were pretty much safe when you used protection. Anyway, he talked and I listened, because I really didn’t know what to say. He said that after the show was done, he was up for a long time thinking about everything. He said that what he heard freaked him out. He said he felt bad for me because I’m only 40 years old and I have to live with this for the rest of my life. All I said was that I didn’t know about that statistic, and that if he felt really uncomfortable about the situation that he should just tell me. Then he got a call he had to take, and he had to go, but he said he would call me later.

Just by the way he was talking, I know he was rethinking things about us. I know that might not be true and I might be reading into this, it’s just that’s the vibe I got. I feel like such a fool. How could I ever think that any one would ever be ok with what I have? I really felt comfortable and at peace when we had our talk two weeks ago, now I feel exactly the opposite. I feel like a reject and like such a**.

Let’s face it, sex is a big part of any relationship. And even though we haven’t gotten to that point yet, we would eventually get there if we continued to see each other. We both know that, and I think that is what is freaking him out. I really don’t blame him for feeling the way he does. I guess I’m just disappointed because I really thought we could work around it. Also, it bothers me because, even though I hate saying this word, I really thought Steve had “potential”. We have tons in common, we have no problem being together or communicating with each other, and we have the same long-term goals. We always talk in terms of “future” things we will be doing together. When he called today, he even said “if things work out with us like I hoped they would”. He was thinking long-term plans as well – was being the important word here. He said that because he said that he knows that if things worked out the way he wanted them to, that we would eventually have to cross the bridge of intimacy – and I think right now its scary to him.

Believe me, I don’t blame him for the way he is feeling. It is scary. I guess I just got my hopes up because of what he said two weeks ago. I’m mad at myself for thinking I could have a normal relationship. Stuff like that just doesn’t happen to people like me. Right now I am angry, hurt and confused. I know he did not mean to hurt me. He has legitimate concerns. I just feel like I am fighting a battle I will never win – ever. He did say that he sees his therapist today and that he would discuss what he heard with him. He has already told his therapist about my situation, and fortunately, his therapist has experience in this area and was able to be of help to Steve, plus his wife is a doctor. I’m not sure if anything this therapist could say would make things better at this point.

I was supposed to see Steve on Friday night after I drop my kids off at their dads. I wonder if he will even want to see me. I really feel like running away and just avoiding him altogether. Maybe I should end things with him before he has a chance to? What the heck should I do? Run away from him and never come back? I’m beginning to think I should give up on any chance of ever having a relationship again. Maybe I should be like Howard Hughes and become a recluse! I know I am upset right now and not thinking clearly, and maybe I am over-reacting and making a bigger deal about this than I should. I need someone else’s perspective on this before I do something I might regret later. I just can’t see things clearly right now. What do you think?

I wish you could feel what I am feeling right now. I feel like a balloon that just got all the air let out of it. Can someone please say something to make me feel better about myself, because right now I feel lower than the dirt. Thanks.

Donna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 1:57pm

((Donna))

A relationship is HIGHLY possible...

I know of 2 women that have herpes that actually are engaged to be married to wonderful men! One of whom is my best friend from high school...she contracted it when she was 19!!! She went on to marry/divorce and has 2 boys...and now is engaged to remarry.
Recently became freinds with a woman who confessed to me about her recent finding out she has herpes... she also has 3 children and is engaged to remarry.
Both of these woman are with men who ADORE them!
So its possible... what you have is fairly common actually...people just do not discuss it. I admire your ability to be honest and upfront about it...I know I would have a very difficult time.
As to your guy...dont jump the gun on this one...do not react! Things just may turn out okay...until then just breathe!!!

(hugs)

MB

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 3:59pm

Donna,


I'm sorry darling that you feel this way right now. I can really understand you hurting, by the way he is reacting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 4:04pm

I'm feeling better now. I was so upset about everything and couldn't get it out of my head that I called Steve. I told him that if he didn't want to see me Friday I would understand. He said, "What are you crazy, I can't wait to see you". He said that if he knew I was going to get upset, he wouldn't have said anything. He really thought I knew what the risk percentage was, but I didn't. He mentioned it because it was higher than he thought, but he really thought I knew. I said no, I was just as surprised as him. I told him I guess I misinterpreted what he was saying, because I thought things were over between us. He said nothing has changed. He said when the time is right, we'll work through it. He said that his number one concern in a relationship is his son. He said he has dated a lot of women since his divorce, but no one that he thought was really right for his son. He said that his son really likes me and my kids, and he said that was way more important than his sex life. He said again that his therapist's best friends went through a similar situation, and he will talk to him about it again. He feels we have the upper hand because I told him about it before anything happened, and that gives us a chance to think about it, research about it and talk about it. I agree with him on that point.

I guess this isn't going to be as easy to deal with as I thought. But it's not going away, so I better chill out and learn how to deal with it. This is one case where I am actually glad I was wrong.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 9:38pm

I think this one sounds good, Donna. I know this is all hard for you right now and I would tend to want to freak, too. But I think that given time it will settle in just fine. It is huge that he sees the value of you and your kids with him and his son. It is great that he clarified all of this!!

And if he doesn't want any other woman after you it won't really matter now, will it? ;-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 9:39pm

Hi MB!!

Good to see you back. How kind of you to stop by and offer such good advice to Donna!! Hope to see you around more often.

HOw are you doing?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 11:22pm

Donna,


I'm glad that you called him and sorted things out.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 11:39pm

I'm glad he was just wanting to talk about it, not dump you over it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:59pm

Cat:

My friend, so glad you're back. I wasn't sure how to get a hold of you because I didn't know whether you were still in Germany or here in the states.

Oh my God, it's been so long. You are probably lost. I have a new job, and I love it. I'm sure the last time you posted, I was still with Mark. Well, that blew up this past summer. I found out he was dating me and another woman at the same time, and sleeping with both of us -- hence the STD. He ended things with me first, then a couple of months later I found out about the STD. I called him to tell him about it, and he was such a JERK. He claims no responsibility for it, but I know where it came from, that's all that matters.

Before I found out about my STD, in efforts to try to get my mind off of Mark, I signed up on E-Harmony. Then about a month later, I found out about it. I was devastated, and truly disenchanted with men and the dating scene, so I decided to end my subscription on E-Harmony. I was closing all my matches when I got an e-mail from this guy named Steve. He looked interesting, so I e-mailed him back. We exchanged e-mails for a few days, then I gave him my phone number. The first time he called me, I knew he was different. It was like I knew him all my life. We have a lot in common, and communication and conversation is no problem for us. He is my age, and he has a seven-year-old son, whom I have met. And he and his son have met my kids. So far, things are going well.

I told him about the STD two weeks ago when I saw him. After his initial shock, he seemed to be ok with it. He told me that I was such a cool person that it didn't matter and we would work around it. I was glad I told him, for three reasons: (1) I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders; (2) I felt like I was keeping this big bad secret from him, and I'm glad it is now in the open; and (3) everything I read said not to wait until intimacy occurs before you share the news. I didn't want to do that. Things have been progessing well, and I think we're ready for the next step in our relationship. That's really why I told him, because if he had any problems with it or needed to think about it, or needed to do some research, this would give us time. And if he couldn't deal with it, we could end things, and get on with our lives without getting more attached.

We had a long talk last night, and everything is OK. When we do cross the bridge of intimacy, I know things will be a little different and uncomfortable at first. That's why I think it was important to talk about it. The most important thing is that he knows how I feel, I know how he feels, what his concerns are, and he is willing to make the best of it. He told me that he liked everything about me, and he wasn't going to let this get in the way. That made me feel a lot better.

So, Cat, I'm dying to hear what you have been up to. Give us an update. You should know me by now, nothing is ever easy for me, and I don't think that will ever change. Hope to hear from you soon. My new e-mail address is zimmermand@jbltd.com.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 3:19pm

MB:

So good to hear from you. How are Jerry and the kids?

Thanks for the great advice. It really was what I needed to hear -- that relationships are possible. I guess I just need to get used to this more. I know how terrible I felt when I found out, that I will never purposely give this to anyone -- I just couldn't do that, that's why I fessed up. And because I really like this guy. He's great with my kids, and he's a great dad -- I never experienced that before. But now that I have, I realize just how important it is. Now that the secret is out in the open, I feel relieved and we can just go on living our life, and see what happens.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 2:37pm

Oh good Im so relieved for you that it turned out well- although I must admit I had a feeling that it would :)

Jerry, myself and all the kids are all doing well...we are going through the adjustments to living together all the time!
All in all typical stuff going on...

thanks for asking !

:) MB

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