Feeling Awful - Please Help!
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| Wed, 02-01-2006 - 1:11pm |
Right now, I am sitting at my desk, tears in my eyes, and trying not to totally lose it. I just got off the phone w/Steve, this guy I met from E-Harmony back in November. I just recently posted that two weeks ago when we were together, I told him about my STD. He said that because he really liked me, we would work around it. Today he told me that he was flipping channels on tv last night and saw a show talking about the STD that I have. He said he learned things that he never knew, and unfortunately none of them were very positive. I guess the show said that even wearing protection, you have a 50/50 chance of getting the STD from your partner. I didn’t know that. I thought you were pretty much safe when you used protection. Anyway, he talked and I listened, because I really didn’t know what to say. He said that after the show was done, he was up for a long time thinking about everything. He said that what he heard freaked him out. He said he felt bad for me because I’m only 40 years old and I have to live with this for the rest of my life. All I said was that I didn’t know about that statistic, and that if he felt really uncomfortable about the situation that he should just tell me. Then he got a call he had to take, and he had to go, but he said he would call me later.
Just by the way he was talking, I know he was rethinking things about us. I know that might not be true and I might be reading into this, it’s just that’s the vibe I got. I feel like such a fool. How could I ever think that any one would ever be ok with what I have? I really felt comfortable and at peace when we had our talk two weeks ago, now I feel exactly the opposite. I feel like a reject and like such a**.
Let’s face it, sex is a big part of any relationship. And even though we haven’t gotten to that point yet, we would eventually get there if we continued to see each other. We both know that, and I think that is what is freaking him out. I really don’t blame him for feeling the way he does. I guess I’m just disappointed because I really thought we could work around it. Also, it bothers me because, even though I hate saying this word, I really thought Steve had “potential”. We have tons in common, we have no problem being together or communicating with each other, and we have the same long-term goals. We always talk in terms of “future” things we will be doing together. When he called today, he even said “if things work out with us like I hoped they would”. He was thinking long-term plans as well – was being the important word here. He said that because he said that he knows that if things worked out the way he wanted them to, that we would eventually have to cross the bridge of intimacy – and I think right now its scary to him.
Believe me, I don’t blame him for the way he is feeling. It is scary. I guess I just got my hopes up because of what he said two weeks ago. I’m mad at myself for thinking I could have a normal relationship. Stuff like that just doesn’t happen to people like me. Right now I am angry, hurt and confused. I know he did not mean to hurt me. He has legitimate concerns. I just feel like I am fighting a battle I will never win – ever. He did say that he sees his therapist today and that he would discuss what he heard with him. He has already told his therapist about my situation, and fortunately, his therapist has experience in this area and was able to be of help to Steve, plus his wife is a doctor. I’m not sure if anything this therapist could say would make things better at this point.
I was supposed to see Steve on Friday night after I drop my kids off at their dads. I wonder if he will even want to see me. I really feel like running away and just avoiding him altogether. Maybe I should end things with him before he has a chance to? What the heck should I do? Run away from him and never come back? I’m beginning to think I should give up on any chance of ever having a relationship again. Maybe I should be like Howard Hughes and become a recluse! I know I am upset right now and not thinking clearly, and maybe I am over-reacting and making a bigger deal about this than I should. I need someone else’s perspective on this before I do something I might regret later. I just can’t see things clearly right now. What do you think?
I wish you could feel what I am feeling right now. I feel like a balloon that just got all the air let out of it. Can someone please say something to make me feel better about myself, because right now I feel lower than the dirt. Thanks.
Donna

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Hi Marybeth,
I'm so glad to see you online again. I know you were so upset with me and I didn't
Thanks Catherine...
I have felt really awful all this time...still do. People REALLY made sure that I knew how angry they were with me and it hurt me alot... and apparently hurt THEM alot as well???!
Anyway - I have read your posts and I was so glad to see you finally got here to the states ...I know it was a long wait!!
I see you are still settling in a bit and adjusting which is normal...and soon enough the calm will settle in for you Im sure!
You take care my dear and just breathe!!
MaryBeth
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