Feeling A Bit Ignored

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Feeling A Bit Ignored
9
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:06am
Dating a guy going on 3mths now, have known him for over a year. His xwife and her bf are having a bday party for his daughter this weekend and he did not ask me to go with him. Theres a 2nd party with his family Sat and he didnt invite me to that one either. Should I be upset about this? We are very close friends and Im a bit surprised he didnt ask me. Is this a sign that he is not very interested in me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:10am

Has he told you about the parties but excluded you? Or did he tell you and just assume you were going to join him. If he is excluding you, you may want to ask why. If you are dating exclusively and his x has moved on, you should be included.

Good luck
Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:12am

What is the character of the dates?

Have you talked about exclusivity? About long term life goals and expectations etc? Has he been to family events with you?

Sharing an experience with the ex of your lover could cause your lover a lot of anxiety, so I wouldn't worry too much. It brings some of the past (which maybe should be past) into the present. 3 months isn't that long, really. Has he told you much about her. I have been dating a man for 7 months and would really hesitate to introduce him to my ex even now.

It largely depends on the pace of your relationship.

Fill in the blanks and don't take it too personally. You are still getting to know him and if he had his mind made up about you already, it would be too soon.

If you are nuts about him, it is understandable that you feel a bit bruised about it, but don't let it get to you very much.

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:14am
Yes he told me about the parties but excluded me. There was no assumption made that I would be joining him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:17am
We have discussed how good we make each other feel, how we want to take things slowly in our relationship. I havent had any family events to invite him to so in answer to your question, no he hasnt come to anything my family has done. I know all about his xwife, he talks about her a lot, I know how their marriage ended, etc. Our relationship is based on a very strong friendship first, the intimacy part is there and we have discussed that we are not with anyone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:53am
I think you should have been included.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:57am

Maybe he just isn't ready yet? 3 months is not that long. But it would be something to watch for the future and maybe to bring up in conversation when the time is right?

How long has he been divorced? Maybe he is not ready to announce he is dating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 1:09pm
He has been divorced 2 1/2 yrs. His son knows about me, Ive met him and spent time with he and son several times. Never met the daughter. I understand about having me at the party where the X will be, that would be uncomfortable, I get that, but she already has a bf and he will be there so whats the big deal. The 2nd get together for Sat is his family only, perhaps he doesnt want to let them know about me yet, or ever. I don't know. Honestly, as things unfold I will see how he is going to treat me in the future. Im not liking some things thus far but it is very early in the relationship. Maybe this is his way of keeping me at arms length without having the courage to say so.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 1:45pm

Hugs to you! I've been there.

I think it's very normal for you to be feeling a bit upset about this, but I don't think you should let this become a huge issue between you two. I mean- it IS only 3 months still- and it's still quite early in your relationship.

I've been dating my Hiker for 2 yrs now- and I remember going through the same thing when we were still new. He had things going on with his kids (grown daughters) and he'd mention them to me, but didn't invite me. I did feel a bit pushed-away or left out during that time, but really... it was still early in the relationship and I had no place to make it into a big deal.

Although at the time, I knew I liked him alot and wanted to be a part of his world and get to know his family.

Some of the boardies might know all about that time. And when I hadn't met his ex yet... and how that whole situation was touchy even though I didn't feel like it should be (she had moved on, why can't he?) but yet it still was. I was not invited and I didn't like it. But I also agreed with the "let's go slow" mantra and so I had to let myself back off.

It took about 9 months or so (which seemed like a long time when it was happening!) but he eventually started inviting me to join him on his family gatherings so his daughters could finally meet me. It just had to be on HIS time frame... because it's his family. I can't sit here and force the issue, but just sit back and trust that eventually it would happen. Sure, I didn't like being left out- but it all worked out when the time was right.

Not an easy thing, that's for sure!!! So here is a boatload of cyberchocolate for you. Being patient isn't easy. But as more time passes, the more you'll start to see that '3 months' is just a flicker of time in building a relationship. And so I wouldn't push him. Especially if you feel good about your relationship the rest of the time. This part will come around.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 3:01pm
Awww, thanks shrimpy, I appreciate your kind reply very much. And your right, its so tough when your in the thick of it. My mind wanders in 100 different directions and I let my insecurities take over which is not good. We agreed to move things slowly as I stated earlier but sometimes it feels like we're standing still because we hardly spend any time together. We are both busy with our children, work, etc. but even though I understand all that its still frustrating. I never pressure him but I have mentioned that it would be nice to spend more time together. His response: well we are both busy with our kids which translates to me that he's satisifed right now with the amount of time we spend together. I on the other hand am not. So....we'll see how it goes. this is my first serious relationship since my divorce, and I am his first since his so we are both hesitant and being careful. Thanks for the cyberchocolate, how did you know??? Thanks for making me smile, I surely needed that at this very moment.