feeling guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
feeling guilty
27
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 2:15pm

Okay I need some harsh criticism and reality check once again.


As I posted before, I have moved back to my place. I am re-evaluating things finally after my brain is free from EX.. for the first time in ..lets see 10+ years.. Gosh I cant believe I let this relationship consume that big chunk..


I want to write down everything that bothers me even slightly about Biker.


Me and Biker have a huge difference it personalities. He is QUIET.. I am talkative and very sociable. One main issue I have had with him in the past is about his motivation to change anything in life.. For instance he was single for so long- Didnt even try to date. He was living in a rental place that was not really nice ( He could easily afford a nice one or a condo or buy a house)- didnt even try, job- He should have tried long back to get better ( mostly meaning more stable) job with how qualified he is - Nope.. didnt try..


Now all of this can be changed . But I see that he has a fear of changing things in life..Like buying a house, motivation to apply for new jobs.


I worry if this legacy will pass on to our kids.. Shouldnt one be motivativated to make the best of life?


Another issue that may arise is : His personality is nto something that everyone will love. For instance he wont do small talks or smile at people..just so that. Very serious.. Sometimes when I lived with him I felt my spirit is dampened because of his serious demenour many times..

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 2:54pm

Common therapeutic wisdom is to wait one year after the divorce is signed before dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 3:10pm

Thanks Mark. Biker does have interets he loves to Bike ( cycle not motorbike) and is a fitness geek. he can keep busy with his work that involves lot of mental and intellectual work. He loves to watch movies. Now he loves to cook after learning some tricks from me. He loves to explore nature- Hike and walk. He loves history and related stuff. His mom is into geneology , he travels and helps her with that. he loves to collect and store all old stuff.


So he does have interests. yes we are a classic example of opposites attract.


But why did I say yes when soem guy asked me if I am available to go out? I know that one thing that is bugging me that I did not date around after my first big relationship and choose the next person- but rather kind of fell into this in midst of all the mess that was going on. I think I am questioning if my decision is wrong since it was kind of formed at the wrong time. Will seeing some other people clear my mind or mess me up even more? My GF who knows me well says I NEED to see at least two or three guys before I settle. I was kind of scared to go out and date..but was comfortable with Biker since I already knew him from work.. Now I dont feel scared but I am not sure if it is right. But I do want to see how I will feel if I go out with someone.


And yes I and my Ex were separeted 4 years ago- just that he kept on calling me and never let me move on and then he suddelny moved on. So it was that I was "carrying him in my mind" like you told in a story some days back.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 3:13pm

A few things that struck me right away is your use of the word "comfort".

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 3:29pm

Thanks Cat for your honest reply. I am glad I have a forum like this weher

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 3:44pm
I have a homework assignment for you. I want you to log in to match.com and do a search in your area of all the single men who are within 20 miles in your age group - and see what you think. Report back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 3:44pm

You remind me a great deal of myself.

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 3:46pm
Oooh yes, yes, yes!!! Do this!
Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 4:45pm

I don't know if I can say that you guys aren't right for each other or not. But my gut says that you will always be left feeling like you're short-changed somehow, if you can't be proud of who he is and what he does with his life. If you see too much of the potential and not truly what IS... then getting married later will only amplify those differences and annoyances.


I think that as long as you have these doubts... making any big decisions to become permanent (moving in together, getting married, having children together) just is NOT the thing to do.


Hiker is the silent type too. I know there are people who probably wouldn't be able to figure him out because he is so quiet. But it doesn't bother me. I'm not embarrassed by that "feature" about him, nor do I feel like I have to explain it for anyone. That's just who he is, and I am that same way sometimes, too. But again- if you guys complement each other with your opposites, and accept that in each other, it could work out fine.


Do you think you are settling for Biker just because he is conveniently there and available? Is he just "good enough" and you think that is enough (or can't do better)?


It's alot to consider... but my gut says that is you have so many doubts... then it's best not to do anything permanent with him until you are more sure. Maybe dating around will help. Or maybe dating around will lead you to realize you have to break up. Either way- you can't live your life with this kind of uncertainty!


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 5:05pm

You said it so well, Shrimps!

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 5:20pm

The only thing I can offer - is that I had a tiny twinge that I was settling with my exh - but at the time it was because I tend to be more adventurous and have more energy and I felt he was not nearly as fun as I would like but on the flip side he was looking good in the corporate world and responsible and on a somewhat good career path at the time. We met at work and that was a strong draw - but it was somewhat of an illusion of our compatibility.

But the real reason our marriage broke apart is not because he is not adventurous as I had feared - it is because he has a contemptuous attitude and a stingy nature and is critical/criticizing and is not always dependable and cannot compromise and does not like/enjoy affection or quality time - it is his outlook which can be negative - and the way he was raised. Also, because of his insecurities he was always concerned more about his mom giving him validation and his boss more than me - I mean much more than me - is still that way now and DS is left in the lurch so many times.

So, I would say, you do NOT want to settle. But make sure you are evaluating the right things. I guess in my book those would be how he makes me feel and how fun/nice he is as a partner to me. Of course you have to have shared values and many other compatibilities.

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