feeling guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
feeling guilty
27
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 2:15pm

Okay I need some harsh criticism and reality check once again.


As I posted before, I have moved back to my place. I am re-evaluating things finally after my brain is free from EX.. for the first time in ..lets see 10+ years.. Gosh I cant believe I let this relationship consume that big chunk..


I want to write down everything that bothers me even slightly about Biker.


Me and Biker have a huge difference it personalities. He is QUIET.. I am talkative and very sociable. One main issue I have had with him in the past is about his motivation to change anything in life.. For instance he was single for so long- Didnt even try to date. He was living in a rental place that was not really nice ( He could easily afford a nice one or a condo or buy a house)- didnt even try, job- He should have tried long back to get better ( mostly meaning more stable) job with how qualified he is - Nope.. didnt try..


Now all of this can be changed . But I see that he has a fear of changing things in life..Like buying a house, motivation to apply for new jobs.


I worry if this legacy will pass on to our kids.. Shouldnt one be motivativated to make the best of life?


Another issue that may arise is : His personality is nto something that everyone will love. For instance he wont do small talks or smile at people..just so that. Very serious.. Sometimes when I lived with him I felt my spirit is dampened because of his serious demenour many times..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 5:47pm

"He should have....______"


Shouldn't one be motivativated to...____?"


Dance-

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 5:57pm

ITA with Pac!

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 6:15pm

Well said, Pac...on all counts.

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 8:33pm

Wow Thanks so much Pac.. can I put you on my speed dial.. You have to remind me again and again.. about those "should haves''" I talk about. I know I know totally wrong. I know that acceptance is the key.


I totally agree about not judging him for what he did so long. Totally what he wanted. Who am I to comment.. In some ways he lived alone but a decent life..not running after women, or gambling or drinking.. Just a lonely life.. biking and working...and so on. He does some generous and kind things quietly too..Like when he was doing tax I saw that he had this charity thing he did last year .. He donated like 3000 dollars last year to some organisations... Thing is if you see him spending for things for his own use, you can see he is careful about money, doesnt buy many luxury things for himself..... But then he doesnt think about money when he has to give to those who are in need. I know there are tons of things about him that I admire deeply..Just that I dont talk about all of them here.


About the comment on people in office getting shocked.. To some extend you will understand that only if you knew Biker. I am not sure anyone thinks he will date- coz they know him for years.. and he is alone. Then he is really a serious kind of guy. and I talk to every bird I see flying by. So it is really a big difference. I am proud of being with him coz I know how good is.. Usually when we know two single people separately dont we think..Hey those two could be good match.. This would be something exactly opposite.


I do wish that he had somewhat more fun and easy going nature sometime. When I am down then I feel he doesnt know how to cheer me up..He hugs me or leaves me alone.. Doesnt try and talk too much.. him being the quiet guy. But sometime when I dont feel like talking, I would have liked if he made the atmosphere lighter..


I am very picky and in someways I have good intution about whom I might like if I dated.. And I have hard time to even give a guy a chance.. I had looked at match and other sites long ago and only one guy passed..In a way, I felt I would be okay contacting.. That is the one who wrote now after long time..I havent even seen him, so it could be nothing again..


Pac, I totally 100% agree with all your comments. I will think carefully and take it slow.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 8:46pm

Shrimpy,


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 8:56pm

"So, I would say, you do NOT want to settle. But make sure you are evaluating the right things. I guess in my book those would be how he makes me feel and how fun/nice he is as a partner to me. Of course you have to have shared values and many other compatibilities."


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 9:00pm

My turn to chime in.

I am glad Pacific hit on it before me. YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE MORE ESTABLISHED IN LIFE!

When I read that in your original post I saw it. Unfortunately you are locked in what I call the "too much invested and can't see yourself starting all over again club." To a certain degree I probably fall into this category. So I know.

You are actually smart to evaluate everything. You are wise to question yourself, your relationship, and what you think everything means. Clearly you are in the beginning stages of the end of the relationship, just you don't want to admit it. I know, because after you have become "comfortable" it is very, very hard to go off and become "uncomfortable" again.

You justify his position in your life as if you are trying to convince yourself that he really is the one for you. I'm sure many of my lady friends here will probably say the same about me and my GF. Yeah, to a degree they are spot on. However I understand that she will never really change her spots and I know what I am getting into and what it means. Yes, my girl has many great qualities, and they are apparent to my friends. However, her weaknesses are also apparent, and all of my friends have no tolerance for her when she exhibits them. There has been a time or two when I've been embarrassed to be with her and they always make me think. But I know deep in my heart that she is absolutely Ms. Right Now. Might be Ms. Right. Time will tell. I also understand and am willing to accept what being with her means.

I can only suggest that you be honest with yourself. If the age thing bothers you, if some of the things he says or does bothers you, if you find yourself thinking that if he just changes in some ways it will be better, then you have hit on what you need to. IMHO you are already half way out the door.

I won't pontificate more but to say that you should look at exactly where you are, what you are with him, and then think about what you could be without him. The answer will come to you quickly.

Hope this helps,

zen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 9:10pm

ok I will "copy" West and give you your 2nd Homework assignment - unless you can honestly say you have made a list of "must haves" and a list of "must not haves", PLEASE get a copy of Date or Soulmate by Rick Warren, the founder of Eharmony.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 12:10pm

Excellend post, Pac - you NAILED it!!!


I have to chime in with

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 12:11pm

Dance-


You are a thoughtful and insightful woman, and there is no doubt in my mind you care for Biker. He seems as genuine as you are..you are tow gems. I think it is so wise that you are thinking these things...you are evaluating and that is fine.


I am happy that are able to see the difference in judging him versuls owning up to your own needs as to what you want and need in a partner.


I've been there!! And still am, to many degrees. It's harded to be objective when you are deep in the relationship, and that's why your being in your own place was a good move- to give you this more open objective look.


My wish for you is that the time you are taking will give you a secure, confidant resolution...totally happy and sure, either way you go.

~Pacific~
~Pacific~