feeling guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
feeling guilty
27
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 2:15pm

Okay I need some harsh criticism and reality check once again.


As I posted before, I have moved back to my place. I am re-evaluating things finally after my brain is free from EX.. for the first time in ..lets see 10+ years.. Gosh I cant believe I let this relationship consume that big chunk..


I want to write down everything that bothers me even slightly about Biker.


Me and Biker have a huge difference it personalities. He is QUIET.. I am talkative and very sociable. One main issue I have had with him in the past is about his motivation to change anything in life.. For instance he was single for so long- Didnt even try to date. He was living in a rental place that was not really nice ( He could easily afford a nice one or a condo or buy a house)- didnt even try, job- He should have tried long back to get better ( mostly meaning more stable) job with how qualified he is - Nope.. didnt try..


Now all of this can be changed . But I see that he has a fear of changing things in life..Like buying a house, motivation to apply for new jobs.


I worry if this legacy will pass on to our kids.. Shouldnt one be motivativated to make the best of life?


Another issue that may arise is : His personality is nto something that everyone will love. For instance he wont do small talks or smile at people..just so that. Very serious.. Sometimes when I lived with him I felt my spirit is dampened because of his serious demenour many times..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 12:16pm

I understand that she will never really change her spots and I know what I am getting into and what it means.


This is so key, Zen. I don't think that love necessarily means every single check box on our want list in another is checked off- but rather that a lot of them are...and the imperfections are ones that we can embrace and accept and understand..and we love that person without the idea that eventually they will change. We love them as a whole, without resentment,

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 12:50pm

YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE MORE ESTABLISHED IN LIFE!


Forgive me Zen but I laughed when I read this--coming from you it was a hoot but you admitted it well in your next thought : To a certain degree I probably fall into this category. So I know.


April


April

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 6:22pm

Okay April, glad I could provide you some plucky comic relief! LOL! HEHEHEHEHEHEH!

I'm sure a lot of you had to laugh when you heard that come out of my mouth.

Actually, I think I've always stated that I didn't expect her to change, but to mature. There is a difference. With maturity comes wisdom. So, if you are immature you don't think your way through certain things. Once you mature you will think your way through. You might still do the same thing, but you entered it knowing why and what.

My last incident should show that she is maturing, but she doesn't change herself. The fact that she backed me in the discipline shows that she thought something through that I know before she met me she wouldn't have. The fact that she found it hard to discipline her son and be directly confrontational is her not changing the way she is. Subtle, but different.

I am sure now that there will be some other "experiences" in life with her, and I'm not sure but think she may have had some contact with plumber boy again. But I accept that she will do things like this, and I have figured out some of the reasons why. As long as I am sure she has not done more then converse, I accept it and am willing to put up with it. She has a pattern now, and I know what it is. Whenever I see that pattern, I know what to look for and what may happen. If she crosses a line I have set for our relationship, I will take the action and in this case NEXT her. If she doesn't cross the line I'll go workout some more, moan into my tequila and get over it. Because I love her, and love her for who and what she is, as she is. I fully accept all that comes with her. I won't ever try to change her. But I will never stop providing her opportunities to grow and mature.

She gave me keys to her house the other day. She surprised me at her house by asking me to come over after work. She had a perfect martini waiting for me, she had a bath drawn for me, and she made us the most wonderful chateau briand. As she handed me a robe she kissed me softly on the cheed and said, "Before Italy we had a huge fight, and I wasn't sure where we were headed. After Italy I feel closer to you then I ever have. I am sorry for hurting you. Please forgive me."

Wow. She wouldn't do that if she wasn't maturing. It took her a long time to do that (Its been a year.) She still has her basic tendencies and flaws. But I see some progress. Not change, not looking for change. Just more understanding. And I believe she has done that. I would hope that our dear friend here can look at her relationship and ask herself if she needs him to change to be happy in herself and this relationship. If the answer is yes, her answer is easy.

I can only hope that she really thinks it through. She shouldn't do anything because we think or suggest here, but use our input to come to her own conclusion. But I'm sure she already has.

Don't forget girls, I have a house on the Jersey Shore with extra rooms and only two miles from the beach. Summer is just about here...

Zen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 9:59pm

I think it's perfectly ok to step back and ask yourself if this is the guy for you.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 05-08-2008 - 10:47pm

Thanks to all of you for writing all these messages.


I have been constantly thinking about the situation.. I went to Biker's today to get some more of my stuff back here . When I went he was with his laptop. He doesnt make any efforts to start a talk or to communicate.. This is one of the things I dont like- not making enough active attempts to communicate. SO I asked if he wanted to talk.. and literally pulled him downstairs.. W talked.. I usually go and sit close to him or in his lap, because I feel he talk more openly when I am hugging him or than when we sit apart. I told him that I am confused and I dont know how to solve the confusion by just thinking.. So I am contemplating meeting more people even girl friends for a change for few days.. Basically giving each other some time free from each other and interacting more with others and see if any more clarity comes..


So he hugged me and I was almost in tears because in some ways the thought of meeting someone else hurts me and I know I love this guy. He started rubbing my feet and back and carried me upstairs and rubbed me a lot ( I treid to say No but really I was in pain due to my ladies day - TMI I know). But anyways we talked more.. and then he carried me down and we hugged and talked more and he was like can we get engaged now.. I was like NOOO..I will feel like it is because of what happened in last days..


So anyways I came home. I am not feeling all that much to meet any guy. I dont knwo if I want Biker to change.. Definitely one thing that worried me when I was with him is that I didnt laught too much (Now I dont know if that is because I had this hidden sorrow due to my Ex all these time.).. Usually you would hear me laughing out loud in office or with other firends, even if I am sad or depressed- a cheerful even or person can make me laugh..and I am famous for my sparkling laughter everywhere.... But whne I am with Biker that dosnt happen too much unless he is touching me or I am telling some joke and we laugh about it..Some days I wanted to watch soem sitcom because I felt like my laughter is decreasing and I love to laugh and I can enjoy jokes with a full heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Fri, 05-09-2008 - 2:06am

"Now all of this can be changed . But I see that he has a fear of changing things in life..Like buying a house, motivation to apply for new jobs. "


No it can't. That was frightening for being in the second paragraph. Do you want to date him or what you imagine he could be? It's a question I have to ask myself too at times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 05-09-2008 - 2:20am

How did i MISS this thread? Oh Sweetie!

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