Feeling a little better
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| Thu, 05-19-2005 - 10:08pm |
I am still sad most of the time. I think I cried more this week than I did last week, but I'm also starting to have some moments of 'feeling good.' I don't know if I'm past the worst part, but I think I'm nearing the end of the worst part. I had therapy last night and it is always helpful. I think my therapist is sad! He seems to have been rooting for J and I to work out more than I thought!
J hasn't called again. I must have said something right to get the message across that I can not be FWB and I need to be alone. I have moments I want to call him. He was the person I could talk to about anything, the person I talked to the most this past year 1/2. He had the best advice, comments and suggestions no matter what I was dealing with (job, parenting, family, anything). He made me laugh, and I could see in his eye's that it made him happy to make me laugh. I miss him so much. But I've said everything I can say to him about what I need and want, and he can't give me that so now it's time to let go. Talking to him again will only make it harder. I just keep reminding myself of that.
I looked at my desk today and it certainly is the desk of a girl with a broken heart. I have a bag of potato chips, a large bag of peanut m&ms (haven't found the dark chocolate one's yet, but I'm looking), pieces of a chocolate bar and a bunch of jolly rancher hard candy. I have been drinking too much diet coke and I haven't been exercising. With my RA, I can really feel it when I don't exercise. When I think of going to the gym it makes me want to cry more. I won't give up going, but I know that the whole reason I go is that J motivated me to make a committment to that, it's just one more reason I am thankful I had him in my life, and one more reason I'm sad he's gone. I'm doing some exercises at home tonight, and I will get back to the gym soon.
Big sigh. This is hard but I am okay.
Oh, and I think I might get a cat.
Edited 5/19/2005 11:17 pm ET ET by firstamendment


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Good morning, First, and a big big hug to you!!!! Your story made my heart sad for you. Although I must admit that the part about your desk made me laugh.
I think that J hasn't called because he realizes that you are serious about what you want and he knows he cannot dangle you around anymore. He has to deal with all of his problems and issues and come to terms with the situation with his son.
That is sweet that your therapist showed his feelings. I am glad that you are still going to him.
Do you think it would help you to change gyms? Is it easy for you to do that? I know I would not want to go to a gym if it had all of those memories.
I think you have been through the worst and it will get better now. The moments of feeling good is a great sign.
What kind of cat are you getting? Tell us more! My DS would kill to get a cat. I want to hear all about this.
I think you are right about why he hasn't called. I know we would be together if he could give up the idea of 'someday' moving near his son. Every now and then J has refered to me being 'stuck here' implying that if I could move with him, he would make that committment to me and dd. He said that during our break up call too.
I don't think changing gyms will help. It's not the gym itself, it's the working out that makes me think of him.
I really am not that much of a pet person. I did have cats when I was married, my ex's idea. I was opposed because money was so tight and animals can be expensive, and I didn't have time with a new baby to be taking care of the litter box. They were brothers and they turned out to be the best cats ever. When we separated he said he was keeping the cats, so I didn't worry about finding a place that I could have a pet because I wasn't going to have one. Then after I had signed a lease, he changed his mind and decided the cats would be too much work and too expensive (he hates responsibility). We had adopted them from a no-kill shelter and we gave them back, and a few months later they found the cats a nice home with an older woman who was thrilled to have them. J has two cats and I had really bonded with them, and I miss them. They are brother and sister and the girl cat would spoon with you. It was very comforting. It's so quiet when dd isn't there and I'll be home more now, I so was thinking of getting a cat myself. I don't care what kind, but I want a white one. I am not a fan of pet hair but I do have white wool rug that sheds, and I was thinking white cat hair would mix in with that and only be a little bit worse than it already is.
Edited 5/20/2005 8:26 am ET ET by firstamendment
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!! That is fantasic!!
Keep us posted on your cat search.
awwww. come on. That's ok. You're vet can watch the pet while you're on vacation. OR you can get a neighbor to keep on eye on him/her. Cats are great that way!
Honestly, I never think its a good idea to purchase a pet based on emotion. You do have to think of the long term responsibilities of having one. He/she will become a member of your family, someone you need to care for and look out for and love and give attention to...although cats are far less needy than dogs. :)
Think it over really well, and if you still want the cat, you'll figure it all out. :)
a cat sounds good!! a little unconditional love never hurts, does it?
Altho I am unfamiliar with your story I certainly wish you the best and may the dark days be fewer and fewer. I've been there, still am sometimes. Pulling for you in NYC.
Love, Karen
I'm feeling good about getting one, or two. I feel cats do better when they have a cat-buddy. I talked to this one's foster mom on Friday and she's still available, and the person from the shelter called today and says she is confident she could find another kitten to be this one's sister. We'll see how it all goes, but isn't this the cutest kitten ever?
http://www.petfinder.com/pet.cgi?action=2&pet=4409347&adTarget=468petsgeneral&SessionID=428fc62762e7e62b-app5&display=&preview=1&row=0&tmpl=&stat=
That is the cutest kitten ever. Uh oh - I think you should get it!!
Keep us posted.
Are you saying you would get two of them?
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