Feeling Normal
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| Tue, 11-09-2004 - 10:10am |
J and I are starting up a business together which I say will take a few years to accumulate our customer base. We were very lucky and had an awesome opportunity fall in our laps. Out of the blue this woman emails J asking if he is available to do a project with her that will take a few months. She was referred to him by one of his co-workers. So they send emails back and forth, meet with the clients to get the requirements, then email back and forth again. Last night they met again with the clients and then went out for a drink after the meeting to talk about strategy and how they are going to get the project rolling. This one project could lead us to so many more opportunities and growth.
Last night after J told me they went for a drink after, not coffee but a drink, I had my ex husbands voice in my head telling me that I should have never let him go out at night because he was never alone, he cheated on me 2 weeks after our honeymoon, I was too fat to make love to, your no good anyway, I should have never married you, there are so many other people out there better than you, etc…. I had to get off the phone with J before I burst in tears! Now why after all this time do I still feel this way…I thought I had worked through all my issues with my ex. I just want to feel and act normal, I know there is nothing more than business going on, how the heck am I going to survive building our business together if I get this way. I haven’t talk with J about it because I don’t want him to feel like he has to hold things back. This is an opportunity for him to grow and I want him to get everything out of this without me interfering and ruining this for him and ultimately our family. I know I am being silly and I know that he will never ever ever cheat on me and I know that he adores me.
My heart if heavy today!
I just want to be normal and accept things the way they are..
Lori

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I think you need to talk to your husband. If you were on the verge of tears, you need to talk to him. Just tell him, like you told us. You're committed to building the business with him, he's a wonderful guy, you know he wouldn't cheat, you know it was just business... But, you've been burned badly in the past. Don't tell him anything that sounds like low self-esteem on your part. Just tell him that you were uncomfortable with the drinking thing. That's normal.
I would be leary of this woman and I've never had a man cheat on me, except for maybe one boyfriend but I never caught him and never missed him after I dumped him. I'd tell him you're more concerned about her than him. You know how women are. If it was a guy contacting him about a job, he wouldn't have played email tag all day. It would have been matter of fact, brief and to the point. I would never have drinks with a married man (alone).
Good luck and keep us posted.
Tricia
Any woman would feel the same way.
Kim
How can I tell him I feel uncomfortable with going out for drinks when I do that with my co-workers on occasion?
Thanks for your response, I will talk with him tonight when we are alone. Just to clarify something, they weren't playing email tag, they were "talking" business. Everything up until the drinks last night has been very professional.
Lori
This is an issue of trust and insecurity. If I'm not mistaken, she is not questioning his actions or intent at all, she is only feeling insecure about it due to her past baggage. She needs to let her husband know that she is feeling insecure and allow him a chance to reassure her. I don't think jumping to conclusions and telling him what he can't and can do with his coworkers is going to be very beneficial.
just my two cents.
Is just talking about it with him and being open and honest about your insecurity enough? If he reassures you of his feelings and love for you and that nothing else is going on, going to be enough to make you feel more secure? Would meeting her help? Or do you just want him to stop having drinks with her?
Once you know what you need, have a talk with him and be sincere and honest. Don’t accuse…just explain. Let him respond. If you want him to stop having drinks with her out of respect for your feelings and your relationship though, then you should be prepared to do the same.
All the responses you have gotten are very good. I just want to add my two cents because I was cheated on -- twice. The description you used to describe your new husband sounds a lot like my exh. He was my soulmate, and I sometimes think I lost my one chance at happiness, that he was it, and it's gone, and it will never come back. I'm not in any way trying to say that your current husband would cheat on you. What I'm trying to say is being cheated on is devastating and something that is hard to forget. Plus, your exh was verbally abusive on top of that. You are hearing the old tapes, and in my humble opinion, that's pretty normal. My exh left seven years ago. I really don't think about it much any more, but it's something I will never forget. And whenever a new man comes into my life, I usually don't make it an issue, but the cheating thing is always in the back of my mind. At least with me, trust is something a new man has to earn. I know you trust your husband. I think you love him so much that you're afraid of the past coming back and repeating itself. I'm not a psychologist, but I think that's pretty normal, because that thought is in the back of my mind too. I just wanted to comment on you being normal. Yes, I think you are very normal. I don't think there is a timetable as to when a person should forget about certain things. Somethings you will never forget. Like I've posted about my sister before. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me with my sister and ended up marrying her. For the sake of my parents, I've been asked to be civil. I will never FORGET what they did, but I have forgiven them and I can be in the same room with them without killing them.
As for how to deal with all this, I'm not the best one to comment on that because I haven't had great luck with men since my exh left. You already got great advice on what to do, so go with that. I just wanted to boost you up and tell you that you're not crazy and you are normal. Also, therapy does help. It eases the anxiety. Like I said, you may never forget what happened to you, but through therapy, you might have less anxiety about it. I know I do. It's in the back of my mind when I meet someone new because I'm trying to be cautious, but I don't let the past ruin a relationship or make me a neurotic nut either. It's a balance, but it's achievable, especially with a counselor to talk to. Best of luck to you, and I hope I convinced you that you are normal.
Donna
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