Feeling Normal

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Feeling Normal
20
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 10:10am
I am in the need of help. Some of you know that I was recently married to an honest, loving, loyal, very handsome man who would NEVER EVER hurt me intentionally. He is the person I was meant to be with, the person I trust the most, the person I CHOSE to spend the rest of my life with, the person who shows me love every single day of my life!!! With that said….

J and I are starting up a business together which I say will take a few years to accumulate our customer base. We were very lucky and had an awesome opportunity fall in our laps. Out of the blue this woman emails J asking if he is available to do a project with her that will take a few months. She was referred to him by one of his co-workers. So they send emails back and forth, meet with the clients to get the requirements, then email back and forth again. Last night they met again with the clients and then went out for a drink after the meeting to talk about strategy and how they are going to get the project rolling. This one project could lead us to so many more opportunities and growth.

Last night after J told me they went for a drink after, not coffee but a drink, I had my ex husbands voice in my head telling me that I should have never let him go out at night because he was never alone, he cheated on me 2 weeks after our honeymoon, I was too fat to make love to, your no good anyway, I should have never married you, there are so many other people out there better than you, etc…. I had to get off the phone with J before I burst in tears! Now why after all this time do I still feel this way…I thought I had worked through all my issues with my ex. I just want to feel and act normal, I know there is nothing more than business going on, how the heck am I going to survive building our business together if I get this way. I haven’t talk with J about it because I don’t want him to feel like he has to hold things back. This is an opportunity for him to grow and I want him to get everything out of this without me interfering and ruining this for him and ultimately our family. I know I am being silly and I know that he will never ever ever cheat on me and I know that he adores me.

My heart if heavy today!

I just want to be normal and accept things the way they are..

Lori

Lori

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:42pm
Thank you for your response! I have been to a therapist so have my kids...gosh I have been divorced for over 6 yrs now. I think why everything is being stirred up is this is the first time J has been with another woman without me.
Lori
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: snshne123
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:59pm
My therapist described the process as having layers. For example, I went to therapy when I was 19 and dealt a little bit with issues of abandonment by my father. What I wanted was to find a way to have a healthy relationship. Well, I made some progress but then I stopped going. Then I found myself back (new therapist) when I was 33, wanting the same thing - to achieve a healthy relationship after my divorce. My therapist said when I was 19 there were things I was simply not ready to face or understand yet. Apparently I had to go through a 9 year unsatisfying marriage to get to the point I was ready. And I believe that I have a healthy relationship with a great man now, and I'm staying in therapy to help me keep it that way (in addition to the benefit of having professional advice on dealing with my ex). I fully expect I will get to a point that I'm no longer making progress in therapy, and that will mean I'm done with that layer. And some point years down the road, probably when I have a teenager, I will need to go back again and work to get through the next layer.

I think what you've experienced is completely normal. Something in your past coming back to bite you. Why not call your therapist up and go back for a few sessions and see if that helps. The therapist might have some helpful suggestions on how to approach this subject with your husband in a way that expresses your feelings without sounding like you do not trust him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:01pm
I forgot to mention in my first post that my ex cheated with SEVERAL co-workers in the time we were married. Some of these people came over my house, sometime went over theirs, sometimes groups would go out.

Is it right to ask him to not go have drinks with a co-worker to spare my feelings? I don't feel comfortable with asking him that.

Trully, I don't think there is anything that J could do for me, I think *I* need to work through this be letting go of the past. Realizing that my husband loves me and needs me as much as I need him. I feel bad because I feel like he is paying for my ex's infidelity and it simply is not fair. That is why I feel like this should NOT be an issue that he has a drink with a co-worker. I just need to be straight with J and let him "in" to my psychotic thinkng.

Thanks for your advice.

Lori
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:58pm
Donna,

Thank you for sharing, your experiences. Seems we have some things in common. I think therapy is the way to go for me right now.


I couldn't respond to your post last night as I was home alone with my boys and I had the beginnings of a migraine. I am so sorry about JerkyBoy...he really needs to just fall off the face of the earth. You should be glad you found out now about him and just move on. I have had my fair share of men between my ex husband, lots of losers then I met a guy who I thought I was going to marry only to find out he was a jerk too, then lots of losers some good ones in between and then J. Your exh couldn't have been your soulmate, if he was, he wouldn't have cheated. You're a wonderful thoughtful person, any man will be lucky enough to have you for a life partner.

Lori

Lori
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: snshne123
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:06pm
Lori:

Thanks for the vote of confidence. That was sweet for you to say. I have some work to do on my self-confidence, but I do agree that I'm glad things ended now instead of 6 months from now. I'm the first to admit that I'm not very good at this dating thing. My exh was the only man I dated until I married him at 22. Then at 32, I was alone. I've only dated 4 men in 7 years, so I'm pretty unexperienced. I don't have a computer at home, so I don't do on-line dating. Every man I have met I met by coincidence. I keep trying to have faith that there are more than just frogs out there. I'm encouraged by your story and stories of the other women on the board that got lucky and found their prince. Maybe someday I will be just as lucky.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: snshne123
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:17pm
Hi Lori,

I just got online now and read all of the posts.

First of all, I do understand your concern and think that it is very valid. Not just because of your past, but because infidelity with coworkers is a common thing. I remember reading an article about this in the Wall Street Journal recently.

I think that any time members of the opposite sex spend a lot of time together there is the chance that chemistry can develop. I am not saying that everyone has the impulse to act on this, but just the chance that it can occur. I think you are wise to sense this and to raise your concerns on this board. I know I would not like that and I have never been cheated on to my knowledge.

My secretary, who happens to have a very happy 15 year marriage is very aware of this and she makes an effort so that her husband is not put in a tempting scenario. He is also aware of it and honors her wishes.

My mom was always the same way - very aware of this matter and very careful. My dad also honored her wishes.

I think you should voice your concerns and both come up with ground rules. I do not think you should go out and drink with your coworker and should change this behavior moving forward. Alcohol with someone alone is not a good idea, especially on a regular basis.

It is best to get this out in the open now and make a pact together going forward. Your marriage is beautiful now and you want to keep it that way. I don't think a marriage is anything that can ever be taken for granted.

Stay happy and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: snshne123
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:20pm
Donna,

I don't think you should berate yourself for being inexperienced. I think that you are a beautiful and wonderful person and you assume that men are the same way and want the same thing you want.

But now you see this is not true and you have learned to be careful and to hold your heart back until they prove otherwise.

Please have faith. The right person is going to come along and sweep you off your feet. It just takes time and care.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!! There are so many women in the same boat, me included!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: snshne123
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:34pm
West:

Thanks for being so nice. I'm just so darn sick of frogs. I don't even like the color green. LOL. It would be easier for me to be more positive about myself if other things in my life, like my daughter, were better. Until that situation gets taken care of, I will be a bit on edge. I'm trying to hang in here and keep the faith, but it's hard. That's why I think a bit of a break is a good idea for me right now. Clear my head and get back on my feet. Settle things down at home, and then who knows.

Donna

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: snshne123
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:49pm
Lori

I'm just now responding, sorry, haven't been online all day. I'm so sorry that you were feeling this way. AND I agree, almost anyone would have the same reaction, especially with your past history of being cheated on.

I would definitely talk to him. But you have to be careful that you don't come off as accusing him of anything. He hasn't done anything wrong. Just let him know it made you uncomfortable and you're not sure why other than the fact that this is how ex started his betrayal and while you trust him 100% you have concerns about him going out for drinks alone with a woman. Now, if you're part of this business, why weren't you there? because of the kids? I think in the future, you do it together. And then there's no issue.

I go out with a guy friend for dinner here and there, actually we're supposed to go out tomorrow night. And James has never met him. He's someone I dated, briefly, like 3 dates and we remained friends. James doesn't have a problem with it. I can honestly say though, if James told me he and one of his female co-workers went out for drinks, I'd be upset. Hypocritical? Yup. But I know myself enough to know I'd feel funny. Though I trust him 110% not to cheat.

It's a girl thing. And when you've been cheated on before, it's amplified 100 times.

Talk to him!

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: snshne123
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 6:13pm
I think time alone is an excellent idea. You will become stronger and pickier. I call this the "relationship fast."

I have been alone now for almost 2 years. My life is so good and I feel so strong. I do not participate in online dating. I believe that I will find the right person just living my life. I know that this takes time and I am willing to wait.

In the mean time so many positive things have happened. I have completed a long-distance triathlon in Sweden, improved my biking, swimming and running skills, met many friends, grown my business, become closer to my family and son, remodeled the house, organized all the closets and much more. I have also learned to put myself first, which means saying no to a lot of people. There is more to life than longing for an SO.

That doesn't mean I don't want an SO. I really do. And I have spent a lot of time reading relationship books and becoming aware of what is out there and what I want and don't want. I am not desperate. And I don't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. If the guy is into me that is great and if not, NEXT. No hard feelings. I realize it is all about them and not about me.

You are a great person and a wonderful mom. I can tell by your posts that you are very kind-hearted and wonderful. You deserve someone who sees this and more and worships you. Take time for yourself now. And then accept nothing less.

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