Feeling really lonely now I that I alone

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Feeling really lonely now I that I alone
8
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 6:44pm
Jack and I talked over an hour and a half on Sunday and agreed that real time apart was needed to figure things out. Basically I feel it is the old "remember what life is like alone" thing that many guys have to go through to realize how crappy it is and they aren't losing anything worth having by giving up their bachelorhood. I know that some of you think that is silly but I don't. I know that it has nothing to do with how he loves me and i am very sure that he does. So here is Tuesday and I have been very positive and happy until about 5 minutes ago. I haven't been happy because I think that he will come crawling back with his mid made up. I have been happy because the stress of it is gone. But now I face that he is too - maybe for good. I know that things will all be OK one way or another but I still miss him right now - it still hurts that things are so complicated.

He told me some wonderful things about how he felt about me and you have to understand that he is not a BS'er in the slightest. None of it needed to be said at all. I know that he was telling me the truth but the thing is I wonder then WHY! I don't understand but I made a comment to him about how he is control freak - something he agreed to. Not a control freak like telling me or others what to do but the fact that unless he can control the outcome of a situation he doesn't like to be in it. We kind of laughed but then I read this little tidbit from a book on amazon called something like "what all women should know about men" This is really interesting. It says men want love with "all its security and nourishment but they also want control; for them it is part of being an adult"

It goes on to explain (I am going to paraphrase a little but most it directly copied) that men can try to pretend to love or fake a commitment and really believe that they have both control and a good relationship BUT since sharing is an essential part of a relationship and he can't share responsibiliy aka control with the woman he loves the blank spot in the relaitonship will never go away (sound familiar?) It then mentions abusive behavior and stufff that extreme control cases have and then says that a man who had "plunged" into love stated it was like "going home again" The author (a man) says that is a great analogy and that we can all go home again if we are willing to make a commitment and love. (I equate all this as trusting the other person with our vulnerablity and therefore letting go of control)

Then he says that there is a real ambivilance at work and to understand why this is so hard is to keep in mind that both men and woman tend to fear things they want most and the greater the desire the greater the fear. That many people close themselves off from going after their deepest desires because they are afraid of facing the consequences of obtaining them. (interested yet?)

then he says that for a man to obtain the woman's love which he desires a man fears the consequence of losing control, something he has struggled to obtain since childhood and that is why the idea of commitment is so terrifying. He says that this is the real "PeterPan" syndrome. It isn't that they haven't grown up - it is that they finally have independence (control) and they feel that giving it up. That they would be reverting! And I would imagine if they were controlled a lot as a child (as Jack was) that would be even more terrifying.

This all made so much sense to me that I made a screen shot of the pages and sent them to Jack. I am sure that he is pondering this because ladies - this is it. THIS - FINALLY - makes all the sense in the world to me. It doesn't change or solve anything but for once it it is something that makes real sense. And I can see how this could happen without a guy knowing the reasoning behind the feeling (aka his confusion). I know that it is in his hands but man this stinks!!!!!!

So there is my theory. I thought many of you would find this interesting.

I don't feel so lonely anymore - at least fo rthe moment. even though no one is reading this I feel someone is LOL. I noticed I have been tlaking like mad today ot anyone that will listen. I miss my best friend :(

Laura

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 7:03pm
I'm sorry you are lonely and hurting.

I have to tell you, none of that psycho-babbling made a bit of sense to me. And I know why. I'm not interested in unassertive people. People who won't tackle their fear to get what they want, whether it's my husband or my friend, whether it's a job they want, a career they want, a relationship they want, a lifestyle they want. I'm just not. Shrinking violets. Blech. Life is too short. Make up your mind and then go get what you want. I have no time, no patience, no energy, no tolerance for this "I'm so confuuuuuuuuuuuuuuused" bull crap.

And something that has struck me over and over and over for the last year and a half with you and Jack - you've been defending him, making excuses for him, coming up with theories, heck I remember when you put all of the blame on yourself. Aren't you tired of it all? Don't you want better for yourself? Don't you want a man that says "I don't care what ANYONE says, I love you, I want to be with you, and nothing can stop me!!"???? Cause I think you deserve it. And I think you can have it. But you are never going to get it waiting for Jack to become something he is not.

Please understand that I'm not saying he is a bad man. He's not. I'm sure, in many aspects, he's a great guy. But just like I would never tolerate a man who would "cave" when emotions and stress are high, I would never tolerate a man who would stagnate due to confusion or pressure or fear. I KNOW what I want. I expect the man I am with know what he wants, too. And if we don't want the same thing???? NEXT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 7:33pm


I really think if this is a time of "separation" you need to stop sending him screenshot that you think clarify his "problem"...I think most of the ambivalence (word from the article) is cause by someone just NOT wanting a relationship. If you both want each other, it HAPPENS! YOu may hit bumps but you work them out.

I really don't think someone who was so hesitant to introduce you to his dad qualifies as a best friend. Or even ready for an adult relationship.

let him GO...you can do better.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:00am
Laura,

I have had the least patience and listening to you about Jack problems, because, like Mindy, I can't tolerate that sort of stuff. Of course I go through the same crap, but that only lasts a few weeks and then I move on. I also have no time for anyone that isn't adult enough to stand on his two feet, can't make his own decisions and doesn't handle stress. My life is high level stress and anyone that wants me, has to realize that I have no more time for their games or their whininess about how like sucks and no one understands them and the poor, poor me syndrom. MOVE ON! Of course your hurting, but quit analysing because it isn't going to bring anything and you and your daughter need a man to support you mentally, not financially. This guy isn't worth the dirt that you walk on. Sorry, but I just had to say that and I am going to stop posting my opinion on this, because I think I've found myself say that about one too many times in regards to Jack and at some point you HAVE to wake up and smell the coffee girl, because you are an intelligent woman that can do WAYYYYYYYYY better then this whole mental stress.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:18am
Hi Laura,

I am sorry you are hurting. And yes, it is lonely to be alone and not have that significant other to share stories and make your phone ring.

I think Jack does love you. And I also think you are blessed with an ability to see the true goodness in a person - I know I have the same ability. But this is also a curse because you sometime overlook the bad or create an illusion - maybe it is because of your creativity. I know this happens to me.

Anyway, I think the "confusion" comes into play because for whatever reason, Jack is not ready to fall totally in love and settle down and commit. It could be he feels overwhelmed with your DD or because of the problems with his family. And it could be that there is nothing to do with these or you and he is simply not ready.

I think at this point you have to cut off contact with him. That only prolongs your agony. AND it allows him access to you. For the tiny chance that he might really miss you and decide he wants to marry you, you must really not see him or talk to him - he would have to have the medicine of nothing to come to this.

They say everything in life happens for a reason. Try to see the goodness and purpose that Jack brought to your life. Maybe it is to be able to recognize your next prince and appreciate him. I am not sure - but only time will tell you.

HUGS to you. I know this sort of thing is never easy. But with relationships comes heart ache and heart break - this is the chance we all have to take. In the end you have to ask yourself, "was he worth it?" and to this I think you could answer yes.

Focus on your work, your daughter and your spirit. Take the time to heal. Pamper yourself. But don't talk to Jack anymore right now!! I think you should tell him you are just taking a break for now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 7:42am
I wish I lived by you so I could really hug you!

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 8:35am
Althought I've never really to responded to your post on this situation, I have read. I've read some of the responses and I do agree with them.

The man was so hesitant to introduce you to his family. That sent red flags when I read it. Then he introduced you because you gave him a month to figure out what he wanted - I hope I'm not confusing this with another post. From my perspective here, it doesn't seem like he really knows what he wants and he is only wasting your time and causing you heartache. I have a Go-Getting Attitude and I also believe in "$hit or Get off the Pot". In fact, that is my favorite phrase to say when people just can't make up their mind and are wishy washy about decisions. You need a strong man. A man that knows what he wants, who wants you. You want a man that will pursue you, because he is so gaga over you. You want a man to give you attention and love. A man that is not scared of life's situations or backs down because he doesn't have 'control'. When a man wants you, he will pursue you and put into your relationship as much energy as he puts into his own life. I'm sure you have seen him put energy into things he wants already. Don't you wish he could do the same in your relationship with him.

I honestly believe that you should back off. When someone takes a break, there is no contact. You two don't have children together, there is really nothing there holding you two together that you need to talk and contact him. I strongly believe in silent separation and see where things go. You are already doing the analyzing and trying to figure out what is wrong. Well there is something wrong and it's not you - It's him. Take the time that you have now and not waste it on him and your relationship. Take the time out to figure what it is you NEED from a man and from the relationship.

Hugs to you, Marilyn

CL-Entrepreneurial Women

Business Impressions, LLC

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 10:42am
Marilyn,

This is great advice for all of us - you are good with your words.

Cheers!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 1:48pm

Laura,


I am sorry you're feeling the pain of separation. As you know, it only lasts a season.



And hon, separation means you can't help Jack make up his mind and you should not be hammering him with articles and theories on why he's "confused". HE needs to decide that. The reality is, he may just not want a real grown up relationship, and may discover that bachelorhood IS ALL that it's cracked up to be. You can't convince him otherwise.


This is a WONDERFUL time to work on you, and some of your parenting frustrations (I know you keep having trouble with A. Have you stopped the relationship reading somewhat and picked up a book on parenting? Might help you focus on something else so you can see your romantic life a little more objectively...Just a thought)


Hugs. You'll make it through.

Becky

Becky