Feeling REALLY unhappy right now......
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| Mon, 01-24-2005 - 4:46am |
Do I feel bummed out! This weekend put me back into a low...
First of all, I am starting to get the feeling, that I am not going to have ANY support with this move to the States.
My family and semi-family, seem to be backing out with all the Big Promises they made about me coming over.
My sister who lives in San Antonio, basically told me she has NO time for me when I come to visit in April/May. Not even on the wkends because her boys have baseball games and she isn't going to miss even one. I haven't seen her in 4yrs! This happened the last time I didn't see her for 4yrs and now I feel like when I get over their, she won't help me one bit like she said she would. I was supposed to stay with her for 3-4 wks next year when I move over and I think that she has changed her mind about this. She made a few comments and absolutely didn't say anything about being WELCOME or she can't wait, or she's so happy, NADA. It's making me feel as if I am going to be standing at the airport with Nina and no place to go.
Alex's grandmother, who is going through a rough patch after her husband of 34yrs left her, is now considering moving away to Ohio. I can understand she is going through a rough time, but her considering on moving after Alex and I are coming, makes me feel, like Alex is suddenly unimportant to her. For years she has asked me to come over and now since her husband left, she says she has nothing left to keep her in San Antonio. I told her that we are definitly coming and I even set the date, but their is no enthusiasm and she told me that she thinks she might not even be their when we get their. If she is in Texas still. I was going to stay with her, when we arrived next year, but she has 3 dogs and they aren't the nicest. I am worried that they might bite Nina, because Nina might try to pet them. That is just to much of a high risk, that's why I wanted to stay with my sister.
My best friend Debbie, that has been telling me I can stay with her, is suddenly getting married this summer. ARGH!
It's not like I invited myself ever. They invited me the whole time. I am suddenly ( and please NO ONE get this wrong), but I am starting to feel the American Flakiness, "Like what we say, we don't really mean. We didn't expect you to take us seriously." Kind of like the "Come over anytime", "I'll call you for lunch.", "Your welcome in our home at anytime". Stuff like that, when in reality, they don't mean it. Everytime I visit the States, it seems to be the same sort of thing. My parents invite their German friends to visit and as soon as they arrive, they bitch that these people are staying in their house. That they literally didn't mean it. I am soooo not used to that anymore. I really somehow did count on my family and friends. This is a serious and very hard move for me and it seems they are putting me in the lurch. I feel like really laying the cards on the table and getting a little pissed off at them. I just don't know how to put it, because I want them to GET what I am saying and not twist it around and feel attacked and then really mess things up. I just want to tell them I feel disappointed and hurt. Which I do.
I called Ian last night to talk to him. I asked him if he had time for me to call him and he said yes. He was out on the field all week and last week, but was home both times for the weekend. I called him last weekend and we got into a bit of a arguement, because their was so much silent on his end of the phone. I asked him why he's so quiet and he says: " I don't know what to talk about!" Great, then why ask me to call? We squared it away later online and he wrote me this really sweet letter, saying he's getting impatient to see me and cares about me. I responded to the letter, just as nice, but I did tell him that I felt hurt that he acted so distant on the phone and made that comment. Things seemed ok after that. We chatted a few more times online briefly this weekend (saturday) and he said he had time to talk to me last night. So I called him. I call him because it's much cheaper for me to do so. From the states to europe is outrageous, but vice versa it only costs me a couple of bucks. I can talk on the phone long distant to the states and one hour costs me $2 dollars, compared to almost 80dollars for 20 minutes. It makes sense I call him. ANYWAY, same thing happened again. Dead silence until I kept having to initiate the conversation. I felt like I was entertaining myself. He had me on speaker phone and was messing around with other stuff the whole time. His attention wasn't on me, I was just the side thing. During the call, he made one comment and it stuck on me, He said "what ticks me off ( a pet peeve) is when I tell someone, that something annoys me and she keeps doing it, as if she is doing it intentionally to tick me off." That is how I felt. I told him that it annoys me that when I call him that he gets dead silent. I told him it makes me feel I am wasting my time and that he isn't really interested in me. Totally different then online. I told him that last wkend on the phone, and in my email letter to him last week and then he did it again this wkend. I ended the call without trying to get emotionally upset, which I really was. BUT! I then got on the computer and wrote him a nasty note. Telling him how I felt. No answer back, but that's ok, I told him to think about it and get back to me. I have blocked him on my chat system, so I don't have to deal with him online at the moment. He should realize that I'm angry and he does need to think about how important our friendship is or isn't. Or if he really wants to make the next steps or not towards something that possibly, could be. I'm not going to repeat myself anymore. 3 strikes and your out. That is how I feel about it. This was his 3rd strike, so if it happens again, I am going to walk away. I also told him, that I am not calling him anymore, if he's interested in me, then he'll have to call me and make the initiative. I know the costs of the call doesn't cost much, but it's the principle that I feel unimportant or as a side dish.
Sooooooooo, I am feeling REALLY blue right now. I'm totally stressing, totally scared and I feel like I am getting absolutely no support. Another 3 S's, but negative one's.

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Catherine,
I wish I had some earth shattering advice to give you. I can't even imagine trying to move to another country with help, never mind without! But I truly believe if you are committed to doing something, you can do it. I think like you said, you've mentally left Germany, now you have to physically leave. don't give up!
Hugs
Tara
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