feeling stressed
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feeling stressed
| Wed, 02-06-2008 - 1:49pm |
These last weeks have been so tough on my bf and I and the holidays were no picnic even though we played Santa to the hilt. For those of you who dont know, my bf lost his Mom around a year ago and he had lost his Dad a few years back suddenly as well so he is without either of them and going through quite a bit of grieving in his own way. We talk a lot and I have been making small strides with him to deal with how he is feeling and move forward with certain things in his life but it is difficult. Now MY mother's death anniversary is tomorrow and I am really feeling that and there doesnt seem to be room in the day to deal with it. Now there is something else since Sunday which has happened and it has me losing sleep.
I have to give some background so please be patient...lol
There is an absolute ongoing feud going on between my bf and one of his sisters. He has three sisters total and two of them live here in the States. The eldest had lived in the states for the past decade ( bf moved over three and half years ago) and the other sister who he is feuding with came back with him from UK after their mom died to kind of start life over last January. She is very pretty and kind of a has a magnetic way about her. My bf wasnt living w/my DS and I at this time - he was rooming with his eldest sister one town away. They made a decision as a family to rent a house out together with a friend of his from work and I helped them all move in. I had my doubts about the friend from the beginning. It seemed clear to me that he had a drinking problem and a women problem and I just didnt trust him but bf is an idealist and thought it would do him good to be around all of them and he truly believed it was the best thing for everyone. Boy was he wrong. Within a week the sister who was new to the states slept with the friend and they have been together ever since. DUIs have happened and he has somehow skated by on technicalities. He is very hard for me to be around for family stuff because all he does is criticize everyone including bf whenever he leaves the room. I just find him toxic. The sister has become more and more distant over the past year and she and this guy are completely entwined. There have been multiple incidents where she says he is on his last warning but she always goes back. Since my bf moved in here last October, the eldest sister is stuck in the house with them and it is uncomfortable for them.
SOOOO, in the last week, bf gets this series of text messages that states he owes his "friend" rent for his share of the house still for December and January. We are shocked. He has been living here. He has not been paying rent yet here either because he was in between jobs. Our work is like that so I have no problem with that. PLus he pays for other stuff. But anyhow, we find out that his sister and her bf ( his so called friend) think that because my Mom's china cabinet is there and because his stuff is in the basement he should pay rent. The stuff they are referring to in the basement is his Mom and Dad's stuff and those are his sisters still living in the house. I guess there is some stuff all in boxes that might be techincally HIS baby clothing but to me, this is their stuff collectively. The eldest has stuck up for him on this and now the other sister isnt speaking to her. My mother's china cabinet is there because they had a lot of fine crystal from their Mom and it was a source of worry for them to keep it in boxes because they thought stuff would break. I had the china cabinet in storage and took it out of storage so that they could use it in the house. It is currently even as of yesterday FULL of their Mom's crystal. I just dont understand what they are talking about that this constitutes having to pay rent. My bf was stymied as well and responded that he didnt get it and immediately he starts to get threatened like he is about to get beat up. I am thinking what kind of freakin soap opera has my life turned into? It really all came out of left field. I mean we havent been all doign stuff together but nothing was really up until these texts starting coming in. I honestly dont think my bf has done anything wrong here. He is just caught in the middle as I am. And here is where things got nasty. Now they are cussing at me telling me I have him"just where I want him" have turned him into a "f***ing babysitter" and I havent said a WORD. Its almost like they have gone off the deep end and the last message I got said they were going to put our stuff ( mom Mom's stuff ) on the street! I would die a thousand deaths if something happened to that cabinet. And yes I know I shoudlnt have lent it then but everything seemed fine back then and I thought it was good it was being used and we had bonded in UK over their mom's funeral and it just seemed right to help them set up house as a family. Argh. Now it has all turned to pot and something could be falling on me and my Mom's stuff.
My solution to try and diffuse the craziness was I immediately suggested bf rent a storage space and started hauling over all of his parents boxes with him this week so that they are safe. It would shatter him if any of that stuff was damaged because someone lost control. Mind you some of it is his sisters and she hasnt noticed yet. We cant go through and repack all of these boxes when they are very mixed with all the kids stuff. HIs Mom packed most of it herself with pictures and toys and memoribilia of al of them all mixed in because she thought she was moving here to join them before she passed. We have three keys to the storage facility and I dont think she should have one if she is with him. Is that crazy? I just want the stuff to stay safe. Bf has lost too much already. I couldnt rent a truck for my Mom's piece of furniture until Friday so I am having trouble sleeping with the cabinet over there. Sister in question wont answer my phone calls and the older one says it is in her care but she isnt there very often with tensions so high. I had to give seminars on the art of performing this week and have been doing that and going straight to this house and moving stuff and then with my son and practicing for concerts coming up. I have had a cold for almost two weeks straight and now bf has caught it. I am clearly a mess. There was certainly a bit of tension before last Sunday but now we are in a whole new world it seems and I am caught up. I think I will feel better once the cabinet is out of there but I worry about the silly sister too. I worry something will happen to her. Then I worry about the bf suffering another loss of some sort and how he would cope. And then my mind spirals. I have waited so long to find a man like him and love him so much and I just want the opportunity for us to all be happy. I dont mean that to sound selfish either - he deserves a huge slice of happiness himself and we are so close to it now living together and with my son loving him too.
Oh and I almost forgot - they also have a 9 week old Rottie puppy over there who is crying and whining the whole time we are there because they arent doing right by him. That is breaking my heart but I keep thinking if I call SPCA or something it will spark a war of some sort. I spend time with him when I am there but I have to go into their bedroom to do it and it makes me feel horrible to be doing that. I am just all twisted up inside over this.
What can I do to disengage realistically from this if anything? Do I just ride this out? Is it my mom's anniversary thats screwing up my head or the combo? Where have I screwed up and how can I do better so that I can find some peace and happiness with him over here even if there is madness over there? So far we have shielded my son from this and he knows nothing but if it continues he will sense something is up and HE deserves some peace and happiness in his little life too!
Thanks to anyone who read this whole thing!
I have to give some background so please be patient...lol
There is an absolute ongoing feud going on between my bf and one of his sisters. He has three sisters total and two of them live here in the States. The eldest had lived in the states for the past decade ( bf moved over three and half years ago) and the other sister who he is feuding with came back with him from UK after their mom died to kind of start life over last January. She is very pretty and kind of a has a magnetic way about her. My bf wasnt living w/my DS and I at this time - he was rooming with his eldest sister one town away. They made a decision as a family to rent a house out together with a friend of his from work and I helped them all move in. I had my doubts about the friend from the beginning. It seemed clear to me that he had a drinking problem and a women problem and I just didnt trust him but bf is an idealist and thought it would do him good to be around all of them and he truly believed it was the best thing for everyone. Boy was he wrong. Within a week the sister who was new to the states slept with the friend and they have been together ever since. DUIs have happened and he has somehow skated by on technicalities. He is very hard for me to be around for family stuff because all he does is criticize everyone including bf whenever he leaves the room. I just find him toxic. The sister has become more and more distant over the past year and she and this guy are completely entwined. There have been multiple incidents where she says he is on his last warning but she always goes back. Since my bf moved in here last October, the eldest sister is stuck in the house with them and it is uncomfortable for them.
SOOOO, in the last week, bf gets this series of text messages that states he owes his "friend" rent for his share of the house still for December and January. We are shocked. He has been living here. He has not been paying rent yet here either because he was in between jobs. Our work is like that so I have no problem with that. PLus he pays for other stuff. But anyhow, we find out that his sister and her bf ( his so called friend) think that because my Mom's china cabinet is there and because his stuff is in the basement he should pay rent. The stuff they are referring to in the basement is his Mom and Dad's stuff and those are his sisters still living in the house. I guess there is some stuff all in boxes that might be techincally HIS baby clothing but to me, this is their stuff collectively. The eldest has stuck up for him on this and now the other sister isnt speaking to her. My mother's china cabinet is there because they had a lot of fine crystal from their Mom and it was a source of worry for them to keep it in boxes because they thought stuff would break. I had the china cabinet in storage and took it out of storage so that they could use it in the house. It is currently even as of yesterday FULL of their Mom's crystal. I just dont understand what they are talking about that this constitutes having to pay rent. My bf was stymied as well and responded that he didnt get it and immediately he starts to get threatened like he is about to get beat up. I am thinking what kind of freakin soap opera has my life turned into? It really all came out of left field. I mean we havent been all doign stuff together but nothing was really up until these texts starting coming in. I honestly dont think my bf has done anything wrong here. He is just caught in the middle as I am. And here is where things got nasty. Now they are cussing at me telling me I have him"just where I want him" have turned him into a "f***ing babysitter" and I havent said a WORD. Its almost like they have gone off the deep end and the last message I got said they were going to put our stuff ( mom Mom's stuff ) on the street! I would die a thousand deaths if something happened to that cabinet. And yes I know I shoudlnt have lent it then but everything seemed fine back then and I thought it was good it was being used and we had bonded in UK over their mom's funeral and it just seemed right to help them set up house as a family. Argh. Now it has all turned to pot and something could be falling on me and my Mom's stuff.
My solution to try and diffuse the craziness was I immediately suggested bf rent a storage space and started hauling over all of his parents boxes with him this week so that they are safe. It would shatter him if any of that stuff was damaged because someone lost control. Mind you some of it is his sisters and she hasnt noticed yet. We cant go through and repack all of these boxes when they are very mixed with all the kids stuff. HIs Mom packed most of it herself with pictures and toys and memoribilia of al of them all mixed in because she thought she was moving here to join them before she passed. We have three keys to the storage facility and I dont think she should have one if she is with him. Is that crazy? I just want the stuff to stay safe. Bf has lost too much already. I couldnt rent a truck for my Mom's piece of furniture until Friday so I am having trouble sleeping with the cabinet over there. Sister in question wont answer my phone calls and the older one says it is in her care but she isnt there very often with tensions so high. I had to give seminars on the art of performing this week and have been doing that and going straight to this house and moving stuff and then with my son and practicing for concerts coming up. I have had a cold for almost two weeks straight and now bf has caught it. I am clearly a mess. There was certainly a bit of tension before last Sunday but now we are in a whole new world it seems and I am caught up. I think I will feel better once the cabinet is out of there but I worry about the silly sister too. I worry something will happen to her. Then I worry about the bf suffering another loss of some sort and how he would cope. And then my mind spirals. I have waited so long to find a man like him and love him so much and I just want the opportunity for us to all be happy. I dont mean that to sound selfish either - he deserves a huge slice of happiness himself and we are so close to it now living together and with my son loving him too.
Oh and I almost forgot - they also have a 9 week old Rottie puppy over there who is crying and whining the whole time we are there because they arent doing right by him. That is breaking my heart but I keep thinking if I call SPCA or something it will spark a war of some sort. I spend time with him when I am there but I have to go into their bedroom to do it and it makes me feel horrible to be doing that. I am just all twisted up inside over this.
What can I do to disengage realistically from this if anything? Do I just ride this out? Is it my mom's anniversary thats screwing up my head or the combo? Where have I screwed up and how can I do better so that I can find some peace and happiness with him over here even if there is madness over there? So far we have shielded my son from this and he knows nothing but if it continues he will sense something is up and HE deserves some peace and happiness in his little life too!
Thanks to anyone who read this whole thing!



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Wow, that is a lot on your plate. Time for you take a deep breath, and get some solitude..
First off, I am sorry that you are facing the anniversary of your mother's death. If there is anyway at all, it seems important that you take some time- even just a couple hours- over the next day or two reflect and be calm with your thoughts about her. You can honor her this way and regain some peace and solitude inside..when all the world is giving you so much chaos outside. Perhaps alone or even with your b/f...a park or another quiet place, or even some time at home uninterrupted. Time to think, rest and hold your mom in heart- if just for a little while. It's so important to take this time.
Next, can you possibly fit your mom's china cabinet in your home? If you can fit it, maybe that would be the safest place? I too would worry about someone having access to the storage place who is not very stable mentally.
I don't know how to solve the problems that have come about with the b/f's sister and the friend. They sound rash and desperate. Maybe the rent bill just hit them and they can't pay it, so their pulling out all the punches now. I think removing the boxes was a good idea. Separating your b/f and all his things from that drama is wise IMO.
It's unfortunate you can't control the craziness around you. It sounds to me that your b/f and you have a solid relationship and you can be each other's rock and respite right now. Distance from the younger sister and "friend" is probably best until things settle. It does not sound like your b/f owes them anything, and legally I don't see anyway they can make him pay for rent when he does
First, I am sorry for your and your Bf's losses of your parents.
What I meant by how do I disengage was - After the stuff is in storage, do I then let him deal with his sisters and basically be just there and available if he needs to talk? I need to get on with my own things and even though I am currently involved because of my mom's cabinet, by Friday - I will not be. Then even though they have thrown insults at me, I feel I must take a step back. It is hard to hear such horrible things thrown at me about our relationship but I know I need to just see they are unstable and not take anything they think or say to heart t this time. I guess I was just looking for validation. I want to be able to honor my own mother's passing and spend some special time with my son talking about her and this weekend is the time for that.
I do worry about his being able to cope but not just with this situation with the stuff over there and it being potentially damaged. I worry about the sister and her getting hurt or worse. Maybe I am afraid of having to take care of someone again since I did that for my mom? I just thought of that. Perhaps this is al connected. I did willingly and gladly take care of her those five years and lost my life in the process. And I would do it again for someone I loved who needed me the way she did but obviously the situations are not the same and he wouldnt ask that of me. I wouldnt be alone this time and I am older and wiser about asking for help. You have made me think about what is behind all of my panic - thank you!
I have always taken some time for my son and I to remember my Mom and I need to just start planning that for the weekend. THat will settle my brain. Also Mark made me rethink what had me so freaked out and I think having this happen around her anniversary did trigger some things. I just need to get back to center and take care of me tomorrow and I will definitely do just that.
Thanks for your reply.
On the off chance that their need is for the money and out of desperation, we gave the rent to the eldest sister who is responsible. I just didnt think it was worth fighting over money right now when they are making physical threats for some insane reason. The crazy drunk bf isnt family but the sisters are and if they need help making rent, we can do that easily - my bf wrote the check as he was listening to the threatening texts kind of horrified. You have to wonder what they have gotten themselves into to be in such a state. All we can do is remove our stuff, make sure the rent for the house his sisters live in gets paid and then move on from there.
The latest is that even though we paid December and January out of the fear in our hearts that they were in dire straights - now they want February in part since the stuff isnt moved out yet. We will have it moved by Friday but I know there is no way my bf will pay him one week out of Feb rent. It is just ridiculous but then the whole thing is ridiculous.
You are right about the rottie. I will just keep checking on him and take note.
Thanks again - I appreciate the support.
Settling iving arrangements with family and friends is always difficult!
April
I think your getting great advice from everyone, so all I can do is offer you big hugs!
I'm so sorry your feeling this way. I agree that you need some time to yourself and reflect and go through a little bit of mourning yourself. Be good to yourself! Do something relaxing and eat something guilty.
..Do something relaxing and eat something guilty.
I just ate something guilty for her
I SOOOO want some ice cream. Maybe organic icecream with strawberries would still fit the bill? lol
I admire your willpower and newfound commitment to fittness!
I just got out of the breakroom and there on the table were two tray. One had veggies w/fat free ranch, the other had cream puffs. You know which one I chose ;o) I really, really need to stop the sugar addition. I stopped all sugar and carbs last year for a few months and I lost a lot of weight quickly. But it's so easy to fall off the wagon...all it takes is one lil' cream puff..lol!
You poor thing - when it rains it pours. Sorry about your mom.
Your suggestion, "My solution to try and diffuse the craziness was I immediately suggested bf rent a storage space and started hauling over all of his parents boxes with him this week so that they are safe." was a good one.
He has to decide what he is going to do with this. I think you have to stay out of it and not go there anymore. See what happens.
I bet your bf will figure it out and he is not going to want to make you unhappy.
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