feeling stressed
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feeling stressed
| Wed, 02-06-2008 - 1:49pm |
These last weeks have been so tough on my bf and I and the holidays were no picnic even though we played Santa to the hilt. For those of you who dont know, my bf lost his Mom around a year ago and he had lost his Dad a few years back suddenly as well so he is without either of them and going through quite a bit of grieving in his own way. We talk a lot and I have been making small strides with him to deal with how he is feeling and move forward with certain things in his life but it is difficult. Now MY mother's death anniversary is tomorrow and I am really feeling that and there doesnt seem to be room in the day to deal with it. Now there is something else since Sunday which has happened and it has me losing sleep.
I have to give some background so please be patient...lol
There is an absolute ongoing feud going on between my bf and one of his sisters. He has three sisters total and two of them live here in the States. The eldest had lived in the states for the past decade ( bf moved over three and half years ago) and the other sister who he is feuding with came back with him from UK after their mom died to kind of start life over last January. She is very pretty and kind of a has a magnetic way about her. My bf wasnt living w/my DS and I at this time - he was rooming with his eldest sister one town away. They made a decision as a family to rent a house out together with a friend of his from work and I helped them all move in. I had my doubts about the friend from the beginning. It seemed clear to me that he had a drinking problem and a women problem and I just didnt trust him but bf is an idealist and thought it would do him good to be around all of them and he truly believed it was the best thing for everyone. Boy was he wrong. Within a week the sister who was new to the states slept with the friend and they have been together ever since. DUIs have happened and he has somehow skated by on technicalities. He is very hard for me to be around for family stuff because all he does is criticize everyone including bf whenever he leaves the room. I just find him toxic. The sister has become more and more distant over the past year and she and this guy are completely entwined. There have been multiple incidents where she says he is on his last warning but she always goes back. Since my bf moved in here last October, the eldest sister is stuck in the house with them and it is uncomfortable for them.
SOOOO, in the last week, bf gets this series of text messages that states he owes his "friend" rent for his share of the house still for December and January. We are shocked. He has been living here. He has not been paying rent yet here either because he was in between jobs. Our work is like that so I have no problem with that. PLus he pays for other stuff. But anyhow, we find out that his sister and her bf ( his so called friend) think that because my Mom's china cabinet is there and because his stuff is in the basement he should pay rent. The stuff they are referring to in the basement is his Mom and Dad's stuff and those are his sisters still living in the house. I guess there is some stuff all in boxes that might be techincally HIS baby clothing but to me, this is their stuff collectively. The eldest has stuck up for him on this and now the other sister isnt speaking to her. My mother's china cabinet is there because they had a lot of fine crystal from their Mom and it was a source of worry for them to keep it in boxes because they thought stuff would break. I had the china cabinet in storage and took it out of storage so that they could use it in the house. It is currently even as of yesterday FULL of their Mom's crystal. I just dont understand what they are talking about that this constitutes having to pay rent. My bf was stymied as well and responded that he didnt get it and immediately he starts to get threatened like he is about to get beat up. I am thinking what kind of freakin soap opera has my life turned into? It really all came out of left field. I mean we havent been all doign stuff together but nothing was really up until these texts starting coming in. I honestly dont think my bf has done anything wrong here. He is just caught in the middle as I am. And here is where things got nasty. Now they are cussing at me telling me I have him"just where I want him" have turned him into a "f***ing babysitter" and I havent said a WORD. Its almost like they have gone off the deep end and the last message I got said they were going to put our stuff ( mom Mom's stuff ) on the street! I would die a thousand deaths if something happened to that cabinet. And yes I know I shoudlnt have lent it then but everything seemed fine back then and I thought it was good it was being used and we had bonded in UK over their mom's funeral and it just seemed right to help them set up house as a family. Argh. Now it has all turned to pot and something could be falling on me and my Mom's stuff.
My solution to try and diffuse the craziness was I immediately suggested bf rent a storage space and started hauling over all of his parents boxes with him this week so that they are safe. It would shatter him if any of that stuff was damaged because someone lost control. Mind you some of it is his sisters and she hasnt noticed yet. We cant go through and repack all of these boxes when they are very mixed with all the kids stuff. HIs Mom packed most of it herself with pictures and toys and memoribilia of al of them all mixed in because she thought she was moving here to join them before she passed. We have three keys to the storage facility and I dont think she should have one if she is with him. Is that crazy? I just want the stuff to stay safe. Bf has lost too much already. I couldnt rent a truck for my Mom's piece of furniture until Friday so I am having trouble sleeping with the cabinet over there. Sister in question wont answer my phone calls and the older one says it is in her care but she isnt there very often with tensions so high. I had to give seminars on the art of performing this week and have been doing that and going straight to this house and moving stuff and then with my son and practicing for concerts coming up. I have had a cold for almost two weeks straight and now bf has caught it. I am clearly a mess. There was certainly a bit of tension before last Sunday but now we are in a whole new world it seems and I am caught up. I think I will feel better once the cabinet is out of there but I worry about the silly sister too. I worry something will happen to her. Then I worry about the bf suffering another loss of some sort and how he would cope. And then my mind spirals. I have waited so long to find a man like him and love him so much and I just want the opportunity for us to all be happy. I dont mean that to sound selfish either - he deserves a huge slice of happiness himself and we are so close to it now living together and with my son loving him too.
Oh and I almost forgot - they also have a 9 week old Rottie puppy over there who is crying and whining the whole time we are there because they arent doing right by him. That is breaking my heart but I keep thinking if I call SPCA or something it will spark a war of some sort. I spend time with him when I am there but I have to go into their bedroom to do it and it makes me feel horrible to be doing that. I am just all twisted up inside over this.
What can I do to disengage realistically from this if anything? Do I just ride this out? Is it my mom's anniversary thats screwing up my head or the combo? Where have I screwed up and how can I do better so that I can find some peace and happiness with him over here even if there is madness over there? So far we have shielded my son from this and he knows nothing but if it continues he will sense something is up and HE deserves some peace and happiness in his little life too!
Thanks to anyone who read this whole thing!
I have to give some background so please be patient...lol
There is an absolute ongoing feud going on between my bf and one of his sisters. He has three sisters total and two of them live here in the States. The eldest had lived in the states for the past decade ( bf moved over three and half years ago) and the other sister who he is feuding with came back with him from UK after their mom died to kind of start life over last January. She is very pretty and kind of a has a magnetic way about her. My bf wasnt living w/my DS and I at this time - he was rooming with his eldest sister one town away. They made a decision as a family to rent a house out together with a friend of his from work and I helped them all move in. I had my doubts about the friend from the beginning. It seemed clear to me that he had a drinking problem and a women problem and I just didnt trust him but bf is an idealist and thought it would do him good to be around all of them and he truly believed it was the best thing for everyone. Boy was he wrong. Within a week the sister who was new to the states slept with the friend and they have been together ever since. DUIs have happened and he has somehow skated by on technicalities. He is very hard for me to be around for family stuff because all he does is criticize everyone including bf whenever he leaves the room. I just find him toxic. The sister has become more and more distant over the past year and she and this guy are completely entwined. There have been multiple incidents where she says he is on his last warning but she always goes back. Since my bf moved in here last October, the eldest sister is stuck in the house with them and it is uncomfortable for them.
SOOOO, in the last week, bf gets this series of text messages that states he owes his "friend" rent for his share of the house still for December and January. We are shocked. He has been living here. He has not been paying rent yet here either because he was in between jobs. Our work is like that so I have no problem with that. PLus he pays for other stuff. But anyhow, we find out that his sister and her bf ( his so called friend) think that because my Mom's china cabinet is there and because his stuff is in the basement he should pay rent. The stuff they are referring to in the basement is his Mom and Dad's stuff and those are his sisters still living in the house. I guess there is some stuff all in boxes that might be techincally HIS baby clothing but to me, this is their stuff collectively. The eldest has stuck up for him on this and now the other sister isnt speaking to her. My mother's china cabinet is there because they had a lot of fine crystal from their Mom and it was a source of worry for them to keep it in boxes because they thought stuff would break. I had the china cabinet in storage and took it out of storage so that they could use it in the house. It is currently even as of yesterday FULL of their Mom's crystal. I just dont understand what they are talking about that this constitutes having to pay rent. My bf was stymied as well and responded that he didnt get it and immediately he starts to get threatened like he is about to get beat up. I am thinking what kind of freakin soap opera has my life turned into? It really all came out of left field. I mean we havent been all doign stuff together but nothing was really up until these texts starting coming in. I honestly dont think my bf has done anything wrong here. He is just caught in the middle as I am. And here is where things got nasty. Now they are cussing at me telling me I have him"just where I want him" have turned him into a "f***ing babysitter" and I havent said a WORD. Its almost like they have gone off the deep end and the last message I got said they were going to put our stuff ( mom Mom's stuff ) on the street! I would die a thousand deaths if something happened to that cabinet. And yes I know I shoudlnt have lent it then but everything seemed fine back then and I thought it was good it was being used and we had bonded in UK over their mom's funeral and it just seemed right to help them set up house as a family. Argh. Now it has all turned to pot and something could be falling on me and my Mom's stuff.
My solution to try and diffuse the craziness was I immediately suggested bf rent a storage space and started hauling over all of his parents boxes with him this week so that they are safe. It would shatter him if any of that stuff was damaged because someone lost control. Mind you some of it is his sisters and she hasnt noticed yet. We cant go through and repack all of these boxes when they are very mixed with all the kids stuff. HIs Mom packed most of it herself with pictures and toys and memoribilia of al of them all mixed in because she thought she was moving here to join them before she passed. We have three keys to the storage facility and I dont think she should have one if she is with him. Is that crazy? I just want the stuff to stay safe. Bf has lost too much already. I couldnt rent a truck for my Mom's piece of furniture until Friday so I am having trouble sleeping with the cabinet over there. Sister in question wont answer my phone calls and the older one says it is in her care but she isnt there very often with tensions so high. I had to give seminars on the art of performing this week and have been doing that and going straight to this house and moving stuff and then with my son and practicing for concerts coming up. I have had a cold for almost two weeks straight and now bf has caught it. I am clearly a mess. There was certainly a bit of tension before last Sunday but now we are in a whole new world it seems and I am caught up. I think I will feel better once the cabinet is out of there but I worry about the silly sister too. I worry something will happen to her. Then I worry about the bf suffering another loss of some sort and how he would cope. And then my mind spirals. I have waited so long to find a man like him and love him so much and I just want the opportunity for us to all be happy. I dont mean that to sound selfish either - he deserves a huge slice of happiness himself and we are so close to it now living together and with my son loving him too.
Oh and I almost forgot - they also have a 9 week old Rottie puppy over there who is crying and whining the whole time we are there because they arent doing right by him. That is breaking my heart but I keep thinking if I call SPCA or something it will spark a war of some sort. I spend time with him when I am there but I have to go into their bedroom to do it and it makes me feel horrible to be doing that. I am just all twisted up inside over this.
What can I do to disengage realistically from this if anything? Do I just ride this out? Is it my mom's anniversary thats screwing up my head or the combo? Where have I screwed up and how can I do better so that I can find some peace and happiness with him over here even if there is madness over there? So far we have shielded my son from this and he knows nothing but if it continues he will sense something is up and HE deserves some peace and happiness in his little life too!
Thanks to anyone who read this whole thing!



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Oh Sweetie, Im sorry about your mom. I know the feeling - my moms anniversary of her death was last month. 4 years. It sucks. & that is also SO much for bf to be dealing with. Im glad you are there to support one another.
As for everything else? YIKES! It always amazes me how grown ADULTS can act so childish. I think you need to get your moms cabinet back, & your bf's personal things, & ignore the situation. They are adults & can & will make their own decisions. You arent going to change their minds.
As for the puppy - shoot! That breaks my heart, & I just dont know what to do about it.
Thanks for your reply. I am trying to just concentrate now on getting the rest of the stuff OUT of there and hoping hoping hoping that neither one of them are home when we are there packing. So far it has been just the puppy crying his eyes out. So I just keep going in there and taking care of him and thinking they are going to walk into their bedroom and yell. lol Its loads of fun! We made a decision to not talk or interact with them for now if we are at the house to stay calm. Today is my mom's day so I am going to take it off and just do what I want to do - the rest of the move will happen tomorrow.
I hope for my bf's sake that his sister opens up soon and repairs her relationship with him. It kills him to not have her in his life. I know he is still calling her or texting her once a day trying to get her to talk. And she is so far completely standing by her psycho man/child bf and nobody knows why. I keep wondering if maybe she is pregnant or they share an STD or something else. Nice thoughts I know!
Anyhow, thanks to everyone for the support. It has been a hard week and it helped to vent and get it all out. I also had some really valuable insights I think about why parts of this hit me so hard. You guys are great!!
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