Feeling Tied Down and Hopeless
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| Thu, 01-05-2006 - 1:19pm |
I usually have been upbeat about being a mom, but since I'm living with my mom, I have begun to get more and more depressed...
This week especially...because I am supposed to go away for the weekend on a ski trip (I haven't been on one is over 5 years)... and at first I wasn't going to take my son with me... Now because my mom is giving me grief (I got a sitter to help her watch him for two 1/2 days), I am feeling more and more guilty for leaving... and at the same time guilty for maybe having to cancel the trip... and unsure if I should take him with me... and not sure what the new guy in my life will think of all this...
I know I have to put the needs of my child first... but for the first time in 3 years I'm feeling selfish and angry! I don't have the freedom of dropping him off at his father's place! I wouldn't think of it! Especially since I have never met my DS's family (we never married), don't even know where he is living, and haven't seen or hear from him in over a year!
I feel angry that his father has all this freedom... to go where he wants... do what he wants... and see who he wants... and I am burdened with the responsibility of having a child and not having any freedom to have fun! I know, I know, my son didn't ask to be born, and I knew the responsibility of being a parent... But I can't help the way I feel! I want to run out in the street and scream from the top of my lungs! HELP!!! HELP ME!!! I want to sleep in just one day! Have a romantic getaway! Is that too much to ask???
Sorry, if I seem bad, I just needed to get it off my chest... I feel like I have to wait until he's a teenager before I can regain some sense of what my old life was like... and by then he'll be telling me he hates me (teenage rebellion)...
Thanks for listening to my banter,
PoolDiva

First off, big hugs to you! Being a single parent is hard. Our Situations are very similar. I know, My Ex-Husband lives over 2000 miles away in a different state and has not seen our DD since she was 1. She is now 4 going on 5. I've been doing the solo thing for almost 4 years. He offers no child support so I am also financially doing this alone too. I don't remember how old your son is (sorry) but it does get easier as they get older.
I know the feelings of guilt that go along with leaving your child with a babysitter while you enjoy time for yourself. But I learned that if I took some time for myself that I was a much better parent when I got back. A relaxed mommy is better than a stressed out mommy.
I also live with my mom and dad. It has it's perks, the rent is great...and I have a built in babysitter when I work and go to school. The going out part bothers them a great deal, but I had to lay down the law and tell them that it was not their decision if I went out or not, but it was their decision to babysit or not. So if they choose not to babysit I choose activities that are child friendly. With regards to my parents, I really had to make them understand that I am an adult and that my DD is my responsibility and I will raise her as I see fit.
You questioned how your new guy will react to all this. He needs to realize that you are a parent first and things have to be well planned out and may not always go according to plan and he must accept this and be willing to roll with it. When my boyfriend and I started dating this was a huge issue for me. He had no such responsibilities and I do, but we talked about it and came to the understanding that my daughter is important in both our lives and we as adults will accomodate the situations at hand.
I'm sorry your having such a hard time with all of this. We're all here for you!
Susan
Hello there -
You do sound very frustrated and I know that all parents do feel this way at times. I once saw a quote that said the first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children!!
I think you have a few issues going on - the first of which is your resentment over being abandoned by your ex. Somehow you have to let go of this and see the bright side to getting full control of your child - there are some horror stories of moms who constantly battle bad ex's - from having to deal with alcholics and drug users to control freaks who contest custody - your situation, while not easy or optimal, could certainly be worse.
It sounds like you just need a break and I think you should take one as long as you can keep your DS safe. No guilt - just get away and don't listen to your mom. I know I tend to feel like that when I don't have enough time to myself - it is a horrible feeling like you want to jump out of your own skin.
The new guy in your life will have to understand that you are a mom. If he is putting pressure on you that is not good.
I think, though, that you are just putting too much pressure on yourself. Sometimes we tend to get carried away with our thoughts and make things much worse in our minds than they really are in real life. Each year with DS will get more rewarding and more easy. The benefits, entertainment and love will grow and grow - and are much better than imaginable.
Hang in there - I hope you can get away. You will be a much better person and mom when you return.
Thank you to everyone that responded!
I realized that I was at a breaking point! Taina920 thank you for your input, I can see that I am not alone when it comes to having not much time to myself and having to bring my son with me everywhere I go... Thanks Susan for the support and helping me realize that I need to focus on the few "good" things about being at home right now...
I was feeling a little low about being the one with the sole responsibility and barely having time to myself (except when I'm at work, which doesn't really count... but is something).
Right now my DS hasn't seen his father since he was 9 months old... He just turned 2 in December... I don't get much financial support from my ex, so that does put a major dent into my expenses which was why I chose to temporarily live with my mother and get my bearings...
Last night, when I picked up my son I felt a sense of happiness come back... You are so right Judy when you said it could be a lot worse... I found out too little too late what a bad person my ex is... Which was why after the baby was born (I didn't have the courage to be alone and pregnant) I left him as soon as I could.... I had come to realize how he has evaded prior responsibilities (another child he abandoned), is a major womanizer, mooches off of other women (lives rent free, eating their food and watching their TV), gives lies upon lies, can't hold a job, and all this with him being 43! Yes, a real gem he is... So yes, I thank the lord that I was smart and got full physical and legal custody as soon as my son could crawl... So I am forever thankful to be rid of all that "daddy" drama!
So far I talked it over again with my mom last night... and she was more receptive to the idea of me getting away for the weekend (I think it's her birthday gift to me)... I'm hoping the "good" mom will stay with us for the rest of next week and I won't get to witness one of her many other personalities! Yeesh!
You know, you hit the nail completely on the head when you said that I am the one putting too much pressure on myself! Because no one close to me (bf or friends) seem to be as stressed out as I am... LOL! And I think it's mostly fear surrounding the new man, and my old habit to please a man no matter the cost (which I have thankfully begun to break out of)... So, he has been understanding as he has a 5-year-old daughter that he shares custody with... He always gives me a couple of days (or in this case, weeks) notice for me to plan my schedule around his suggestions... And he is quick to go with the flow if I am running late or need to change plans at the last minute...
I am the queen of "getting carried away with our thoughts and make things much worse in our minds"... I think it was Mark Twain who said, "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."
But going back to my son... I notice a change in him everytime my mood changes.. When I'm happy, he's happy, when I'm sad, he's sad, when I'm frustrated, he's frustrated... He is a big time momma's boy and I love him so much! He's made me push myself to become a more responsible, more patient, more mature woman who longer puts up with any BS.
I went out last night with my BF and was able to finally relax a bit and enjoy the moment... So when I saw my little son's face this morning, I knew that taking care of my needs made me happier and in turn I could see he was happier... It made me think of how unhappy I have been living with my mom these past few months because of her unhappiness... It's true what they say about projecting one's feelings onto others....
Well, here's to us all having some time to ourselves and with our families! I hope we each get to relax once in awhile and enjoy life! Because let's face it, it's too short!
Thank you all for reading this!
All the best!
PoolDiva
I know exactly how you feel. I have recently moved in with my parents. I have a 18 month old little boy and I am 25 weeks pregnant with another little boy, there father and I broke up 1 week before christmas because he was cheating on me, screwed up a 10 year friendship and and 3 year relationship. Now, he has al lthe freedom in the world and I can't use the rest room without taking my kid with me.
Just be strong, we can do it. Just remember that when your son gets older he is going to have you to than kfor evertything and not his father, and he will most likey make better decesions then his dad is or has. Thats how I try to look at it with my sons. Every mom needs a break once in while I am sure you deserve it, seeing being a mom is a full time job. If you need a friend, i am h ere because i need a friend to.
Debbie (23 years old from Shelby Township Michigan)
Hello All--
This is my first post.
I can relate to all of you. I am doing the single mom thing, left my ds's father when I was about 8 mos. pregnant. All I can say is the best thing that came of that relationship is my son, who is now 5. He is my whole world.
I too feel guilty when friends want me to go out. I feel like I'm a bad mother if I even consider going out, let alone actually acting on it. I take him everywhere, I even managed to save money to take him to Disneyland over a year ago. I have 2 best friends, one with a child and one without. We are all Disney fans. The one without wants me to go with her....without my son. The one with a dd takes her everywhere she goes and said that I am awful if I do not take him to Disneyland again should I decide to go. Is that wrong for me to even consider it? I don't ever have time to myself, so I don't really date or anything. I do feel a little guilty if I do go somewhere without my ds, and I also don't want to be caught in the middle of my friends' opinions. I have another friend at work who has a child and she goes out all the time withouot her son without feeling guilty at all. She says she needs a life too. I know everyone is different, I just thought I would ask all of you very intelligent people on this board. :)
Thanks a bunch!!!
Calistar209
Hi Calistar,
Welcome to our board!!
It sounds like you are wondering what to do with your friends and with DS. Listen to your own heart - if you want to take DS to Disneyland with you then do so - if you really need a break then do so.
Don't worry what others think. Enjoy the time with your son - do as much as you can with him now that he is young because soon he will grow up and you will never have these days back. At the same time, the rigors of parenting can be exhausting and you do need to have a little life. Balance is the key.
I think it helps to have him stay with someone really great while you do your thing. If I am off to an event I know my DS will not like, I make sure he is with my mom or his dad and having a lot of fun.
I hope this helps - we would love to see you stick around!!