Feeling very torn about my decision....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Feeling very torn about my decision....
19
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 8:00pm

I think I mentioned that my Holidays in Texas were awful. The worst was DD's father and his girlfriend.


It was a total nightmare. They totally disrespected any wishes that I had about the visitation rights. I asked that DD's fathers girlfriend stay away for the first two days so that they both have time to see each other. Alex wanted time with her Dad and asked that I talk to her Dad about it. He promised. They didnt' see each other for years and his girlfriend is constantly on and off. Of course that didn't happen. She followed him to his place and started a huge fight with her Dad and threw all this drama in front of Alex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 8:38pm

(((hugs))) Well, its all a fine line.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 8:55pm

I don't know what to say, Cat. I can offer sympathy that you have worked really hard on your own for a long time to raise her right and that it must really stink to do it without child support or help. And then to get all that drama on Xmas and have Alex be upset, that is too much.

I guess what I would do is "don't offer don't refuse" - don't go there again - if he wants to communicate with her then he can call her cell phone and come to visit.

I do agree with rlch that you can't really dictate what he does when he is with her - like the gf thing - while I would tend to agree with you - it is your DD's time with him - but if gf comes then that is his decision. She is big enough that if she is not having fun she can come home.

For right now maybe you want to have no more contact with them and let her talk to him on the phone if she wants? How does she feel about all of this?

And why don't you file for child support? Just curious - it seems like it would be easier now that you are in the US and I bet you could really use the money for her - for college or clothes or whatever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 9:00pm
I so relate to this post. I am so sorry you are going through this. My son's father IS in his life but basically pawns him off on his parents and is not paying child support under the excuse that we share custody when he sees him a total of 6 hours each week and not in a row with four of them meaning he drops him off at karate and picks him up....I am sure some would say I am lucky to get that much...Anyhow, I relate to your post because my ex's parents take my son instead of his father almost every weekend for a day while I work and they are constantly ignoring everything I say, think it is cute when he sasses and spoil him with food and no bedtime and tons of material things. It is so hard for him to readjust every time he comes home I end up wishing they would just butt out but I then have to deal with the guilt of him loving them and vice versa of course and should I keep them apart. I hate it. I keep trying to get the ex to just drop him off at grandparents every once in a while as a treat or have them come here and just take him to lunch rather than just dumping him off there. In the last year, I have made enough noise about him going over there all the time instead of his Dads that they have started to dislike me and consider me to be I think some sort of city b**** or something. It doesnt help that all of their other views on everything including politics and religion are opposite to mine. It confuses my son and his grandmother is ultra religious and actually claimed a spider was the devil when he was little sending him into a fit of fear. She is a piece of work. I know they love him though so I try and path the way with boundaries to protect him and of course they trample all over them and tell him to lie and protect them all. Hence my struggles right now with fibbing, right? AHH. So I hear you one thousand percent. I wish I had some advice but mainly I just wanted you to know that you are so not alone on this one!!!!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 9:11pm
When he comes home from dads/ grandparents, make it clear that while he's allowed to do _________ at their house, that the rules are different at home.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 9:18pm

Back when I needed it, I tried so hard to get lawyers and it was a nightmare. He has NO legal rights because his name isn't on the birth certificate. Back when she was born you didn't have the fathers name on the birth certificate in Cali if you weren't married. They passed a law two years later saying they could sign a paternity paper. HE never did and promised and promised. It wouldn't cost him a cent, but it would all cost me. And you know? I'm tired that i had to try to fight for so many years and that we were practically starving when I first had her. I needed it for years and years. Now I don't, now I'm making the money, I'm did it all, so it's more about not spending another red cent on something I shouldn't have to fight.


Again, they have no legal anything. He would have to take me to court. That's what I'm waiting for. He won't. And Alex knows why I don't. She knows I feel it should be his move, not mine anymore. She knows about how much I tried and all his promises.


But again, yes, it's not my say so. I just overreacted instead of not letting it bother me. I think it was the fact that this woman tried to say I was calling and threatening her. It seemed so awfully ghetto and vile to me. It just threw me off the edge that I was being tainted because she hates me so much. And of course that's only because she knows Scott has always tried to get me back for

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 9:53pm

Don't you have any sort of program there that enforces child support?

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 10:58pm

Oh, Cat - I can TOTALLY feel your pain!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 12:28am

Cat, I think you did the right thing trying to extend a way for the grandparents to reach Alex without involving yourself, and if they want to make issues with it, let them.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 6:12am

That is too much drama for you and Alex with absolutely no benefit to Alex at this point. She does not need a drug user father who doesn't support her financially and who contacts her so little and doesn't show a real interest in HER.

Be proud then, that you are okay on your own and carry on. At least you tried. No more talking to them. You are doing good with your career, your dog and your goals.

Thank goodness his name is NOT on the birth certificate and you don't have to worry about him trying to come after you legally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 7:42am
Yes, I hear you. Been there and have been doing that for nine years. It just gets tiring to reprogram and I feel badly sometimes for all he has to adjust to with three houses. It would obviously be easier if we could all work together on what seem like obvious rules to me but it appears we cant and he suffers. We DONT have shared custody under any definition so I am gearing up to demand child support - I imagine there will be even more of a divide between us once I do that.
In any case, I just really related to the frustration in her post. .
Lilypie - Personal picture

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