Feels weird, but good....
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| Tue, 05-01-2007 - 9:16am |
I can't decide if I like it or not. I mean I enjoy him coming over to visit and talking and this is unlike any other separation I ever knew about.
Last night Shane came over like he always does after work and he ate dinner and we hung out and talked. We talked about a possible sexual relationship, I cut his hair, and we just began to bond more. This weekend, he really worried me. He did not tell me he was off Saturday and he left town to go to Ft. Worth to play golf and to think. I had no idea he was gone. At first I was furious, then hurt, then I slept and got over it, but when we finally spoke on Sunday, I let him know it was irresponsible and selfish and I hoped he'd never worry me like that again. He said he understood my worries and that he just figured since he texted me that he was okay (after I tried to call) that I'd be okay. He should know me better than that. Because I was calm when we spoke and I did not get mad or yell, I think he realizes that I am changing. My anger lever is more controlled.
I told him as he was leaving last night that it seemed like we were dating. We hug really big and a sweet kiss to say goodbye. It just feels good. He kinda giggled when I mentioned the dating thing and I said, "Is that what this is?" He said, "Yeah, maybe it is...."
I guess it's kind of weird to "date" my husband especially since we are separated, but if it works, it just does. Maybe soon we can plan a date by ourselves to go out and see how it goes. I'm not going to push. I'll just let time take the lead. At least we aren't fighting. At least we are communicating. Even casually.
~Melissa~

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Not sure what to say, but (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you because I can tell you REALLY don't want things to end with him.
But it is weird that he could come over and you guys could act like things are fine- when you are now separated and things aren't 'fine'. I guess I just know of my own separation- when it was nothing but "get out of my face/hair" and there was NO way we would sit down and act like we were dating during that time. Separation to us was SEPARATE and breaking ties. So I find it odd that you guys are still maintaining so much connection while separated.
But that's my viewpoint, and I'm quickly learning that every couple's relationship is their own, and the trick is to just find out how to make each one work because nothing ever fits into any one cookie cutter type. There's just something about your post that bugs me, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
So (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) because I do hope things can work out for you.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I don't know. I guess we are different. I mean we have a DD together and my DS from my first marriage, who he loves as well. He comes and plays with them too. He doesn't have to come over, but he does. There is love there. We've discussed that. Right now we are just not living together. It might seem strange, it is strange, but for now, I guess it works for us.
If you are able to pinpoint what bugs you, let me know. I'm always up for opinions.
~Mel~
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Hey Melissa. It doesn't seem too strange. My XH and I separated for 11 months and then got back together to see if things could be worked out. It couldn't be worked out but at least we gave it another shot I guess. I don't think we maintained as much contact as you and your husband have and we actually dated other people. That is probably weird to you. :) Either way, I wish you the best and hope you find happiness with whatever you and your husband decide.
(((((HUGS)))))
Jennifer
I don't know what to say yet. I was worried about how you were doing and was going to post a message yesterday asking but I reminded myself that it is only Monday and I have to chill ;-)
Okay - I like that you two still have the attraction for each other and enjoy each other's company. I like that you can talk. It gives me hope. It probably gives you hope too.
BUT what I don't like is that I feel that there is an insatiable demon in that man that cries for more freedom than a marriage can bear - meaning what is he doing when he is gone? Is he getting wasted with the boys? Or having sex from other people? I mean if this was just a thing where he wanted some time to play with the boys and destress from the kids and the job once a month you could work it out. But somehow I sense that there is more.
And I don't like that he gets to come over for dinner (okay Meli and I know there was dessert! but that is your decision) and a haircut and to talk and see the kids - meaning all the wonderful lovey dovey perks of a marriage. But he is not paying the price.
So, it seems like Shrimps said, that you two just have to sort stuff out. I wonder if he is trying to let you down slowly and you are feeling a strong bond because of his male figure in your head? He has always been the southern gentleman.
Just remember that at the end of the day you have to keep your dignity, keep him on his toes and get your part of the bargain. He has to hold up his half of the marriage. No amount of begging, pleading or bribing can get him to do that. Okay?
Actually, no desert as of yet. We have not gotten to the point where we can say it is a good idea. I want to...he wants to, but....well, hopes may be driven too high afterward since it is always so good. It may be hard to distinguish whether it is love of lust we are expressing. So that is up in the air. I always cut his hair. He didn't ask me to. I noticed he needed it and offered.
I know it seems like he's using me and maybe to some extent he is, but he just isn't thinking about it that way. I doubt he consciously is trying to use me. I just feel this way...I am cooking anyway, I have enough because I cook large, he gets off too late to cook a meal and he'd just go out to a fast food place, so I might as well let him stop by and visit, eat a healthy meal and play with the kids. Plus we do talk. We limit conversation about the marriage to a certain amount and we visit each other most. But the subject does come up. We both recognize it is important even thought painful to bring it up.
This past weekend, he went to play golf alone. He was going to just play a round and met two nice old guys on the course and he joined them. He sat at Bennigan's and watched a golf tournament on Sunday early and he met his best friend out Saturday night for a few drinks and stayed at his house. He felt the need to bring up that he did not go to a strip club, which I responded that I knew he did not. Let's face it...it costs 20 to get in the door, it's BYOB and you have to then shell out bucks to get a lap or table dance. He said he's BTDT and not into that anymore. He has not been in years.
Shane is pretty straight forward. If it's really over for good, he will tell me. I can't say it is going to work out, but maybe it will, maybe it won't. Only time will tell what happens.
~Mel~
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You know I am rooting for you either way.
I guess what I was hoping was more of a scenario where he shows up and you are no where to be found and he has to go back to his efficiency and put something in the microwave that is ucky for dinner. I want him to miss home, not just get a drive through home by Meli experience. But that is just me.
Ultimately you are the one who knows best for you. I just hope I can make you be tough if you need it :-)
I wish it could be that way...he gets there, no one is home...etc. He gets off later, like 8PM so the kids are already settling in for the night. Otherwise, I could conveniently go to Wal-Mart and walk around. I just can't do that so late with the kids. If they were older...yeah, but not at their age. I want him to miss home too. And I wonder if he's coming over because he misses it and me or if he's coming because he knows dinner is there. Hard to say. I hate to ask because I don't want to appear hateful or accuse him of something and be dead wrong. You know? I'm trying to be sweet and it may backfire. I hope not, though because I'm being more accomodating than I should probably be and if he's using me, I'll be so hurt.
~Mel~
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Mel, I think your gut is already telling you to be careful.
I still can't quite figure out what is bugging me so much about all this but from reading the posts you've had with Judy... I think that is part of it.
I don't like it that he has moved out, but is still free to come and go as he pleases. I would hate it even more if he can come and go as he pleases, and get sex from you, too. Although you say that you would be getting 'return' from the sex-allowed arrangement... I just think that what you want from the sex would be different than what he is looking for- and that will only lead to you getting more hurt.
Is he calling before he comes over? Or is he just showing up? Are you inviting him over?
Personally, I think you should learn to break off from him and depending on him for emotional support or ANYTHING- and focus on getting yourself to a place where you can feel comfortable about not having him around. I think your need to know where he is and what he is doing, is still at an unhealthy level. For a couple being married, it was probably coming across to him as you not trusting him, when you had to know where he was at all times. For a couple who is now separated, where he goes and what he does is not your concern anymore (or I don't think it should be). And that said- there is that chance that he COULD be out with other women because you ARE separated... and that alone should make you decide NO MORE sex between the 2 of you unless/until you guys are back together, if it works out that way.
I would love to see you not caring so much what he is doing, and finding some neat things to do to keep yourself occupied and busy enough that you don't even notice he is gone.
I know what I'm saying is probably pretty harsh or blunt, but I am trying to type off my head to see if I can figure out just what it is that has my gut bugged about your first post. I just hate to see him getting the benefits of being married to you, without you guys having things worked out between you two yet. What is the motivation for him to try to work things out, if he can still have all the fun, neat stuff that comes with being married, and still being "free as a bird"?
~shrimpy, who thinks you ARE being too sweet to him
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I have such a bad streak in me - if he was here asking about dinner - i would say - oh the kids and I made a huge *buffet* of ......... (all these great foods) and they ate so well. I am so proud of them. But honey, there are NO leftovers - we all eat early so they can go to bed early.HA~!
Shrimps writes very well, too. You should really listen to her and think about this.
Okay - but no matter what you decide we are always here for you and appreciate you keeping us posted because it is a lesson for all of us as well.
GOOD LUCK and hugs to you and the kids!
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