Feels weird, but good....
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| Tue, 05-01-2007 - 9:16am |
I can't decide if I like it or not. I mean I enjoy him coming over to visit and talking and this is unlike any other separation I ever knew about.
Last night Shane came over like he always does after work and he ate dinner and we hung out and talked. We talked about a possible sexual relationship, I cut his hair, and we just began to bond more. This weekend, he really worried me. He did not tell me he was off Saturday and he left town to go to Ft. Worth to play golf and to think. I had no idea he was gone. At first I was furious, then hurt, then I slept and got over it, but when we finally spoke on Sunday, I let him know it was irresponsible and selfish and I hoped he'd never worry me like that again. He said he understood my worries and that he just figured since he texted me that he was okay (after I tried to call) that I'd be okay. He should know me better than that. Because I was calm when we spoke and I did not get mad or yell, I think he realizes that I am changing. My anger lever is more controlled.
I told him as he was leaving last night that it seemed like we were dating. We hug really big and a sweet kiss to say goodbye. It just feels good. He kinda giggled when I mentioned the dating thing and I said, "Is that what this is?" He said, "Yeah, maybe it is...."
I guess it's kind of weird to "date" my husband especially since we are separated, but if it works, it just does. Maybe soon we can plan a date by ourselves to go out and see how it goes. I'm not going to push. I'll just let time take the lead. At least we aren't fighting. At least we are communicating. Even casually.
~Melissa~

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Oh Mel (((((((hugs))))))))
You said: "I mean I'd rather have the goal of fixing Melissa in counseling without the hope of fixing the marriage. Right now, I am going so I can repair my issues, but also in the hopes that by doing so, Shane will see me differently. And it is impossible for me to think otherwise while we are just separated. I just feel very "put on hold".
Girlfriend to girlfriend here... please hang on to that goal of "fixing Melissa". By all means- repair whatever issues you have. But don't do it hoping it will fix the marriage or bring Shane back- because HE has to fix his end of the deal as well. And until/unless he does, there is no marriage to fix without you guys just going back to the same old stuff you had before. Or having MORE battles than before- because you "got fixed" and learned to stand up for yourself and then he gets mad because he can't dictate what you do anymore.
Don't put yourself on hold for him. Get the counseling you feel you need, and repair the issues you need to- so you can STAND ON YOUR OWN. That should be your goal. Even if the marriage gets salvaged later- it will make a world of difference if you are a person who CAN stand on her own and bring those strengths into the marriage. (Or if you divorce Shane and get remarried to someone else later on.) Either way- don't put your own healing on hold. Do it FOR YOU. It will help you no matter whether Shane is in the picture or not.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
lol Judy.... I guess being "stuck" at home with a sick kidlet has me turning into a major 'keyboard psychologist' today... either that, or I'm just feeling very opinionated. ;-)
~shrimpy, wondering how to count calories based on key strokes
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I agree with everyone here Mel. You really need to set some boundaries. One of the biggest reasons for a seperation is to give each person the time to work on their own issues. You two really need to define what the seperation means, I think thats where a lot of your confusion comes from, you dont know how to read his signals. It could be that he just misses the routine of family, and of seeing the kids. The only thing that seems different here is that he sleeps somewhere else. He still comes home to dinner and some play time with the kids and then takes some time away when it suits him.
Some suggestions could be that you have a date once a week, without kids. That could be time to work on your relationship. But have it be fun, not use it as time to hash up all the relationship issues, just learn to enjoy each other again. If he wants to spend time with the kids he can come over once or twice and you can go somewhere to take time for yourself. Sit in a cafe, read a book, do some journalling. You need this time to work on yourself and find out who you are. Its only when you are comfortable with yourself that you will be able to confidently go back into the marriage. IMO.
I really think a lot of your confusion lies in the lack of established boundaries. Emotionally, you need them, because it is too difficult to know what his intentions are and at this point it will be too easy for you to misinterpret them. And emotionally, I think it is harder to live with the lonely nites when you see him each nite before bed!
I suppose I was a bit repetitive there but hopefully you can see where I am coming from.
--tj
Oh dear - you were at home all day with a sick kidlet? That can be quite the adventure.
"MOM!" (repeat 50 times!)
- snacks
- something to do
- new batteries for controller
- I spilled my drink
- The dogs have my shoe
- I want my lunch
- Can I go out and play now?
- I don't want to do my homework
Between keystrokes and being called to help him for whatever, you must have doubled your calorie expenditure today!
"MOM!" (repeat 50 times!)
- snacks
- something to do
- new batteries for controller
- I spilled my drink
- The dogs have my shoe
- I want my lunch
- Can I go out and play now?
- I don't want to do my homework
Ha! I WISH!!!! If my MonkeyBunny would've been well enough to do THAT kind of thing, he would've been AT SCHOOL today! lol
He was sick enough to be nothing but a tired, weak lump on the floor (on towels) because he hasn't been able to hold down anything for 3 days. Today is Day 4- but at least he's been able to keep down some fluids. But he is still not wanting too much yet. It's actually been quite quiet at home with him sick! ;-)
I just had alot of computer time today because I couldn't get out and GO anywhere.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
That's a great idea. Leaving for a while and maybe grabbing a drink or walking around Wal-Mart, looking at books, etc. I could do that. I could give him time alone with the kids and take a needed break, myself. I never get out without them. I'll propose the idea to once a week or so go out alone with each other and do something fun or if we cannot go out because we have the kids both home, we can wait til they are in bed and rent a movie and watch it together. I wonder when we CAN talk about the relationship. I mean it's necessary but I don't want to hash it out and get both of us mad.
I told him it would be hard for me to see him with another woman if we got divorced and my instinct would be to want to yank her hair out. I mean I wouldn't do that, I'd be nice, after all it isn't her fault, but I mean her existence would mean the end of my dream to be back with him and that would be too painful to imagine. He told me I was being childish in that regard and that yes, it would be hard for him too to see me with another man, but he'd accept it because it isn't his call. He'd only hope that I'd be with someone worthy of our child and that would care for me well and make me happy. I do want to see him happy, but it scares me to think that I may be out there again looking for love and that while I'm still looking he may have already found it and I'd run into him with her. I even thought about moving to avoid it, but I cannot run each time I separate. I have a child in school this time. He's got friends, baseball, and a life here. Last time, he was only 3. It was easy to go. Now it isn't so simple. I need to face it and be mature and realize that if we do not make it, he is free to be with others as am I. I guess secretly I hope I am the one to find love first....petty, I know, but last time, I dealt with a cheater who moved in with his woman right away after I left, so I feel like I have reason to want to be luckier this time.
UGH!
~Mel~
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I think regardless of what happens, the first love you need to find is yourself. I think that if you can get used to being on your own again and get strong that way, that you will be more able to find and attract the right one for you and be picky.
I am wondering if you are more afraid of being abandoned by Shane and being left alone than actually losing HIM?
If he indeed doesn't want to be committed to a long term stable marriage, which means being home and losing a bit of your footloose party spendthrift bachelor ways, and making your wife feel cherished, then there is nothing you can do. And it doesn't matter what comes to him after that. It doesn't matter who finds love first - it only matters that you can pick up the pieces of your life and move on to find yourself and raise your kids.
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