Finally reached a conclusion...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Finally reached a conclusion...
11
Sun, 05-11-2008 - 2:28pm

Bikerguy and I had a long talk yesterday and clarified our relationship. Girls (and guy), I am so at peace right now. I finally slept well last night. I was actually the first to tell him the although I love him, I have realized that I'm not in love with him. He said he felt the same way and that he has enjoyed our friendship and doesn't want to lose it. I agreed completely and we discussed continuing on from here. I told him that I want to explore other relationships and date and he encourage me to do so. He's the first relationship I've had since my divorce. He told me he's always there for me and to let him know when I need anything and that we'll call/text/email as we always have. I told him that I was most concerned about losing him as a friend and am so relieved that we have come to an understanding. We spent the day hanging out and I went to a party with a girlfriend. I got ready at his house and when I went to leave, he looked at me and told me how beautiful I looked and that I was going to "turn heads" all night. He hasn't told me things like that for quite a while and it felt good to hear.

So, I'm not sure what the future holds but right now I fell content and at peace with myself and him.

Cat

Cat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 05-11-2008 - 8:31pm
Well that is a relief. Do you think you can be okay with seeing him and being just friends - I mean do you think that will make you want him to change his mind? Or do you think you can really have an open heart for someone else if he is still in the picture? Maybe see how that goes over time - but it is good you could come to an understanding and accept things for the way they are. Hope you had a good Mother's Day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 8:43am

I've thought a lot about this and really do believe I can be friends with him and be open to other relationships, especially with him being out of town all week. I had begun to feel resentful that he was gone and was showing little interest in me yet I didn't feel able to see other people.

It is funny that now that we've defined everything and relaxed, I'm more myself with him. Do I hope that he comes around and changes his mind? I'll be honest and say yes, but I'm not holding my breath over it. I've renewed my profile on a couple of OLD sites (and I'll post my profile here later for review as I'm not real happy with what it says). It was interesting because I have neighbor that has flirted with me for over a year and now I'm openly flirting with him. He even brought me a small arrangement of flowers for Mother's Day. I didn't get a "happy Mothers Day" from Bikerguy all day and then he stops by late in the day on his bike. He had left his phone at home and decided to stop by instead. He saw the flowers and asked if they were from my mom (since he knew she was over). I told him that they were from my neighbor. He smiled but didn't say anything. He asked me to come over and hang out and I declined, something I never used to do. In addition, I woke up this morning to find a text from him wishing me a good morning. He hasn't done that in months. Ok, so part of me says he's yanking my chain and yet I had to laugh. Now that I'm not pining for him, he's interested again? I'm not worrying about though.

The funny thing is, I think if I have the attitude that I don't care what happens with us and do date other people, I'm going to be different around him. More myself...hard to explain but in the beginning, when I didn't worry about him, our relationship, where it was going, etc. I believe I was more fun and happy. I spoke my mind and offered opinions. I realize that I had stopped doing that and had become and extension of him, without my own personality, if that makes sense. So I'm thinking this is a very good thing that has happened, whether we ever have romantic feelings or not.

So, that's my somewhat confusing story for now...will keep you posted.

Cat

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 9:25am

Okay - sounds like you are doing good to put you first. I am just not sure that it is such a good idea to still see/communicate with him right now and be dating others because as you are already seeing now that he sends texts and stuff it is a distraction and you do hope he would want to change. I would rather have a clean break and then move on - but that is just me. I am just worried that a really nice guy, like your neighbor, would come along and then not get the best and fair shot to make it work.

I do like how the neighbor brought flowers for mother's day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 10:37am

Cat- I think you have hit on a VERY KEY thing here:


The funny thing is, I think if I have the attitude that I don't care what happens with us and do date other people, I'm going to be different around him. More myself...hard to explain but in the beginning, when I didn't worry about him, our relationship, where it was going, etc. I believe I was more fun and happy. I spoke my mind and offered opinions. I realize that I had stopped doing that and had become and extension of him, without my own personality, if that makes sense. So I'm thinking this is a very good thing that has happened, whether we ever have romantic feelings or not.


I've noticed that very thing since I've been dating Hiker. I had "my head on straight" from the start- in not expecting anything, just enjoying it for what it is. If I have plans, I turn him down. If I don't have plans, but want to go out with him, I accept. I just don't bend my life around him or pressure him for anything more than just our dates. It's very liberating to stop aching over what a relationship is doing!!! And I've learned that to stop worrying about it... it just flows and grows more naturally.


And when you said this: He asked me to come over and hang out and I declined, something I never used to do. In addition, I woke up this morning to find a text from him wishing me a good morning. He hasn't done that in months. Ok, so part of me says he's yanking my chain and yet I had to laugh. Now that I'm not pining for him, he's interested again?


I have to say YES!!! It's a weird thing, but it's true with men, I've learned. If you don't cling and you have a LIFE OF YOUR OWN WITHOUT THEM... suddenly they ARE more interested and will come chasing you. If you have a life of your own and they DON'T come chasing you, then you know they are just not interested- and it's okay, because you have a life of your own. But if you cling-cling and seem bored without them... they definitely lose interest. That's just how it is. I'm the same way if I sense that the man has no life of his own, and tries to make ME the life of his life and he is bored without me. I'd run for the hills, too!


Yay, Cat!!!!!!!! Hang on to this new discovery!!!!


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 11:15am

Thank you for the support.

He did call this morning because a guy that he was really good friends with at his new job (they had dinner together every night since they both stay out near the job all week) was killed in a car accident over the week. He was so upset, crying, and told me that he I was the first person he wanted to talk to about it. He told me that he was sorry if he hadn't been there for me and that he wanted to be a better friend. I told him that we're always there for each other and today just proves it and to not worry about it. I had met his friend several weeks ago so it's not like I knew him very well but Bikerguy had talked about him a lot. He was worried about him since he had been married 27 years and his wife had just left him. Bikerguy is afraid that maybe it wasn't an accident and his friend killed himself and if that's the case, did Bikerguy do enough as a friend to help him. I told him that no matter what, I know he was a very good friend to him when he needed one. I told him to call me if he needed me and he thanked me over and over for being there for him.

What a day this is starting out to be!!

Cat

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 11:43am

Oh Cat, what a tragedy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 12:09pm

I never been the strongest person so your words mean a lot to me. One day at a time...

Cat

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 12:16pm

One day at a time...


EXACTLY!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 12:26pm

Cat!!!


I am so proud of how you took initiate and told Biker your feelings. And I am happy that he is on the same page. It sounds to me that you two are meant to know each other and be friends which is really great. I feel relief in reading this..as I know that you have been in limbo. I know it must be a little bit sad at the loss of the potential but there is a really bright side in the letting go here. Now you are free to expolre and discover someone who is right for you in every way.


Hugs.....I am celebrating this bitter sweet but mostly sweet conclusion with you.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 12:43pm

Pac~

Thank you for your support. I know I've burdened you with my drama and I thank you for hanging in there with me. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me with him. The friendship will be a good one for both of us and perhaps that was all we were meant to be. If so, I'm a lucky lady.

And I've posted my profile on a couple of sites and have talked to a couple of people as well as my neighbor. Just getting my feet wet and seeing what's out there. Maybe it's too quick but Bikerguy and I had been drifting apart for awhile so it's not like it was a sudden breakup.

How are things with you?

Cat

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