Finally....Could he be the one??????
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| Fri, 01-05-2007 - 10:27pm |
"PROCEED WITH CAUTION" is my motto for starting any new relationship especially when I've got two young children (3yr, and 18 months).
Hello to everyone on this iVillage board!
It's been a long year for me, after going through a divorce (final in December 2006), and realizing the challenges of dating as a single mother of 2. I know I might get a lot of crap from some of you but it's ok, I take it well. I know none of you who will respond are trying to intentionally judge me. I take it as advice and I will reflect upon it.
Here's my story, well a summary of it:
My ex husband decided to leave me for another woman whom he met at work when my youngest was 8 weeks old and my daughter at the time was 18 months old. So if you do the math, it's been no more than 18 months since I've been "single."
I started dating just 3 months fresh out of my ex leaving. I know it was probably too soon and realize, the first guy (single with no kids) wasn't the one....thank god! So anyways, I dated single guys here and there but found that the kid thing wasn't for them. Finally, I dated my first single father. He was 12 years older than me, I'm 28. I thought to myself, wow, this is not bad but to find he had some unresolved issues with his ex, well, actually she was still his wife!!!!! A month into it, I find out two things, that were RED flags for me. The first was he reveled that his two children had different mothers, the second, no one had filed for divorce they were just separated and lived in separate houses. Might I add, he left his first wife for his second and 1o years later, he paid back. Let me just tell you, WHAT A MESS!! I had to get out and I did. Keep in mind....I've dated quite a few men during this time to narrow what I could live with and what I couldn't, therefore at this point, I know what I'm looking for.
So......finally, on New Year's Day, I meet the one who fits into my mold. He's a single dad with a 6 year old son and no drama with his ex! We have our first date Jan. 1st and we talk for 4 hours and I'll tell you, I thought to myself, could this guy be the one. We were on the same page about everything. I couldn't believe it. Now after a few days have gone by, he says he wants to take it slow, be friends, and see if anything more develops. We are both apprehensive about each other, because on the surface everything fits but as we all know, the longer you get to know a person, the skeletons come out of the closet. Anyways, he tells me he's sick of the dating thing and not looking to date anyone else. Basiclly, he's done. He wants to go at it as friends and then more if we really click. Funny thing is, he told me to date around, he's ok with that because he's confident in himself. So what is it? He's essentually done "looking" and wants to see if more develops with me but he's ok if I find someone else? What I got from our conversation, he's totally into me. It doesn't make sense!!! More about him, he's been divorced for 4 years, he's friends with his ex wife, and he's had a tough 2006 with dating. His last serious relationship turned really bad and in his words, he wants to be cautious with me because of what happened to him. He doesn't want to rush into something and have it turn bad. He wants to go slow and see if a relationship develops. I've never done this before, how does this work? He wants to refrain from sex which is fine, but when we go out, is there no kissing, holding hands, or flirting because we are "friends?" BUT he tells me that sex is the deal breaker??? He says usually sex is the one that has him sold. I don't have a formula for this!!! I don't know how to act while we test the waters so to speak. I am totally confused by what he wants. It sounds like he wants a relationship and he's not sure to engage or not. I've always thought why let something pass you by when it could be a good thing? Could he be playing mind games with me? Could he just not be that into me? Should I proceed with caution?
What do you ladies think? I would like more insight from ladies who have been at this longer. Thank you so much for reading!!!

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Cant be much help since he has ME totally confused to. How can he seem so "into you" & ready to settle down, if he is telling you he wants to be slow (well, i can see that) & be friends ... AND tells you to date otehr people? Seems fishy to me.
If you really like him, then I woudl go with the flow. If i felt affectionate towards him, then I say hand holding, touching breifly, whatever, if its YOU, is fine.
Hi!
Thanks for your reply! I have no idea what he is up to at this point. It is totally fishy to me because he says "he's tired of dating, he's tired of having 1st dates, and he wants to do things right by going slow" because he's rushed into all of his previous relationships to have it blow up in his face and with me "I'm the first girl he is cautious with." He also has left the door open for me to date other people, according to him, he doesn't want me to pass up other opportunities if they come. If I were really into a guy, I wouldn't want him to date around right? One thing clear....I've reread his initial e-mails to me and they sound so sincere and sweet, almost like he's everything I've wanted to find he's had a change of heart? Does that sound right? That evening we went out, he seems so ready for a relationship, so ready to take another chance, now, it's like, what??? There has to be something else going on here. Possibly unwanted advice from family or friends. I have no idea. He's so certain that if we were to go full on into a relationship right now, a year down the line, we'd break up.
Where is the fine line between being "friends" and "dating?" For instance, tomorrow night, we are going out and I don't want to come off as too flirty or too touch right? I definetly don't want to come off as cold or uncaring either so.....where is the fine line?
Sex as the deal breaker........he means, that the sex has to be good and not just a sack of potatoes in the bedroom. So, from my conversations with him this afternoon, he doesn't want to rush too fast with sex BUT he also states that "sex is the deal breaker." I'm not sure how to word it, he means he won't know until we have sex (sounds bad huh?) and if we are just "friends" for the moment, he won't know for a while if I'm someone he could be with to engage in a relationship or not. It sounds all bad, I admit! To be honest, I'm a little more turned off by him.
By the way, I've read some of your post and I love reading them! Your whole family is so cute, including your two adorable Labs!
Hi there, and welcome! The women here are wonderful, and since we're all at different points in our lives and in relationships or dating, hopefully you'll get some useful advice.
Here's mine.
Don't think too much. Sounds easy, and trust me, I know it isn't. But if you like him, don't think about where it might go or what might happen. See him, but keep it casual. It will progress if it's meant to, and it won't if it isn't.
As far as him telling you he didn't want to date around but didn't care if you did, that to me sounds honest. I've actually been there. I never said it to the guy, but it was more like I was thinking "gee, I like you a lot, but I'm not ready to be exclusive, but this whole dating thing wears me out. You go ahead and date other people if that is what floats your boat, but I really don't have the time or energy to do it." I wasn't overconfident or playing games, it was simply how I felt. He might be completely different.
But the truth is, you don't know yet. You've exchanged a few emails, met him once, and don't really know him yet. Tima is the only thing that will tell, and luckily, time you have.
Take things slow, act like your normal self around him- if that's flrity, be flirty, if it's not, don't try to be. If he likes you, you'll know, and if not, (or if you end up not liking him) things will end. Don't go into it with expectations of anything more than a good date this time, every time.
Good luck, and please stick around and keep us posted!
One more thing- about the sex- I've had plenty of men tell me that sex could make or break a relationship. I don't think that's weird at all, since you're not having sex with him. If he continues to bring it up, I might remind him of that fact, and I would also say that two people who love each other are willing to work out any kinks in a relationship. Since you're not in a relationship, that isn't yet an issue.
Moody, whose fingers are finally warming up this morning!
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I would ditch this guy so fast. He does not want to have a relationship with you. Eventually, you might have a FWB thing....but, why would you want that???? I never believe a man who says he's not looking for a relationship. That's only partly true. It means, he's not looking for an exclusive relationship with you, but he's definitely still looking for something somewhere.
Edited 1/7/2007 2:28 pm ET by fivesense
I would have to agree with fivesense.
In the beginning they should put their best foot forward and be interested in YOU and wanting to impress you. You should have fun and be delighted with it every step of the way. The exclusivity part comes later when you both develop mutual feelings and both decide that. I don't see a reason why he needs all the rhetoric about a relationship when you haven't asked him that and it is so soon.
That leaves you confused - not delighted.
Don't settle for anything but delighted. Keep on looking/going out with different people.
Okay, you asked....
But my 2 cents is to slow down!!! Don't even go there with that "is he The One?" thinking!!! You just MET the guy less than a week ago! How COULD you know if he is The One or not? He surely isn't chasing after YOU, so how could he be the one??
Okay, so he fits the *description* of someone you'd like to have. But the fact is, he is flat-out telling you that he wants to take it slow, and be friends first. And so you have 2 choices here. Either you decide that he IS The One, and he has to make a choice now, or you'll leave... or you just go with the flow and try to just be friends with him and see how it goes with taking things slow. NO jumping into bed unless/until there IS some exclusivity present. But until then... take it SLOW, just like he asked.
I'm not quite sure what he means about the 'sex is a dealbreaker' thing. If he says it's a dealbreaker because you won't have sex with him without some sort of commitment, then just let him go. You'll be better off. If he wants his cake and eat it too- I say he can have some OTHER cake, somewhere else! lol If he means that it's a dealbreaker if you push sex on him (because he's trying to go slow)- then by all means, go slow if you want to see what pans out. I don't know his dating history and what has him so gun-shy, but it could've been a girl who left him feeling used for sex and now he's saying "sex is a dealbreaker" because he's wanting something emotional first. Who knows? I know it's not only women who might want some emotions before the sex! But from what you said, that part is unclear to me. All the more reason to go slow, and see just what he might mean with all that.
He might just turn out to be The One. And it'd be cool if he does, and you "knew it" from the beginning. But you can't possibly know him well enough in 1 week to really know that. Obviously, because his actions have you confused. Don't make any future-type plans with the guy until his actions DOESN'T leave you confused anymore! You even said it yourself: "I've always thought why let something pass you by when it could be a good thing?" But if he's leaving you confused, just what makes this a good thing?
Go slow. Be friendly. And see what happens. If he is truly interested (and ready for a relationship), then it'll be more obvious. But as it stands, I'm not sure if even HE knows what he wants! So go slow. You just met him. Enjoy the discovery time and savor it!
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I thought of a story to add.
I met a guy at a local sports event. He expressed interest and was cute. He got my number and started calling me on the phone.
Right away the conversation turned to sex - he wanted to know if I could dance - because he thinks that women who can dance are good in bed. He goes on to say that sex is always the deal breaker. Basically, the conversation was very sexual and this put me off because I felt we didn't even know each other.
I said that I wanted to have great sex, but only with someone who wants an exclusive relationship. He said he never dates women with children but would consider sex only. He actually tried to talk me out of the relationship thing. Whatever!
So obviously my point is that this was all about him and not about him caring about trying to impress me or get to know me as a person.
The other thing I noticed when I did a lot of online dating is that the guys who said they are not into games usually had habits and behaviors in their history to get them those games. And the ones who said sex is always the dealbreaker were not the types to be accomodating to the wishes of a woman. I figured this out through conversations and their mannerisms. I mean, if a guy is great in bed and knows how to turn a woman on, how is the sex REALLY going to be bad? I mean, you might find a really inhibited woman once in a blue moon, but most love good sex and a guy who cares about what they like.
I was thinking about this and wanted to add those points. I would not go further with someone if they said anything like those things to me.
Also, what the others said is true - you have to give yourself some time. Dating later in life, especially after divorce, is not like what it was when you were young and everyone was single and going to the same school. You have to really know what you want and what you won't put up with so you can be strong. You also have to deal with a lot of rejection and selfish/foolish behavior ESPECIALLY if you do the online dating thing.
Further, right now you are in the euphoria stage of being so glad you don't have to deal with a bad marriage. You are so glad to have the divorce behind you and to be rid of the stress.
But please don't underestimate the strong undercurrents of sadness and loss that will come later on. It is hard to let go of the hurt and anger that your exspouse caused. It is hard, in my opinion, to build your social world again. To get all family members used to the situation. And to really get used to being single and alone rather than thinking you had your life and SO figured out. There are a lot of perks that come with a marriage that we all don't appreciate until we don't have them. Security, a special ticket to a special social world of married people, having someone to talk to every day, having your family feel intact, not worrying about the hurt the children experience, a dinner companion/movie companion, regular sex, etc.
Somehow you have to reach the point where being single makes you very happy. Because then you won't settle or put up with any bad put-down behavior. This takes time.
Give yourself time, okay? I hope you stick around and learn and participate with us.
Whatever you decide, we are always here.
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