Finally....Could he be the one??????
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-05-2007 - 10:27pm |
"PROCEED WITH CAUTION" is my motto for starting any new relationship especially when I've got two young children (3yr, and 18 months).
Hello to everyone on this iVillage board!
It's been a long year for me, after going through a divorce (final in December 2006), and realizing the challenges of dating as a single mother of 2. I know I might get a lot of crap from some of you but it's ok, I take it well. I know none of you who will respond are trying to intentionally judge me. I take it as advice and I will reflect upon it.
Here's my story, well a summary of it:
My ex husband decided to leave me for another woman whom he met at work when my youngest was 8 weeks old and my daughter at the time was 18 months old. So if you do the math, it's been no more than 18 months since I've been "single."
I started dating just 3 months fresh out of my ex leaving. I know it was probably too soon and realize, the first guy (single with no kids) wasn't the one....thank god! So anyways, I dated single guys here and there but found that the kid thing wasn't for them. Finally, I dated my first single father. He was 12 years older than me, I'm 28. I thought to myself, wow, this is not bad but to find he had some unresolved issues with his ex, well, actually she was still his wife!!!!! A month into it, I find out two things, that were RED flags for me. The first was he reveled that his two children had different mothers, the second, no one had filed for divorce they were just separated and lived in separate houses. Might I add, he left his first wife for his second and 1o years later, he paid back. Let me just tell you, WHAT A MESS!! I had to get out and I did. Keep in mind....I've dated quite a few men during this time to narrow what I could live with and what I couldn't, therefore at this point, I know what I'm looking for.
So......finally, on New Year's Day, I meet the one who fits into my mold. He's a single dad with a 6 year old son and no drama with his ex! We have our first date Jan. 1st and we talk for 4 hours and I'll tell you, I thought to myself, could this guy be the one. We were on the same page about everything. I couldn't believe it. Now after a few days have gone by, he says he wants to take it slow, be friends, and see if anything more develops. We are both apprehensive about each other, because on the surface everything fits but as we all know, the longer you get to know a person, the skeletons come out of the closet. Anyways, he tells me he's sick of the dating thing and not looking to date anyone else. Basiclly, he's done. He wants to go at it as friends and then more if we really click. Funny thing is, he told me to date around, he's ok with that because he's confident in himself. So what is it? He's essentually done "looking" and wants to see if more develops with me but he's ok if I find someone else? What I got from our conversation, he's totally into me. It doesn't make sense!!! More about him, he's been divorced for 4 years, he's friends with his ex wife, and he's had a tough 2006 with dating. His last serious relationship turned really bad and in his words, he wants to be cautious with me because of what happened to him. He doesn't want to rush into something and have it turn bad. He wants to go slow and see if a relationship develops. I've never done this before, how does this work? He wants to refrain from sex which is fine, but when we go out, is there no kissing, holding hands, or flirting because we are "friends?" BUT he tells me that sex is the deal breaker??? He says usually sex is the one that has him sold. I don't have a formula for this!!! I don't know how to act while we test the waters so to speak. I am totally confused by what he wants. It sounds like he wants a relationship and he's not sure to engage or not. I've always thought why let something pass you by when it could be a good thing? Could he be playing mind games with me? Could he just not be that into me? Should I proceed with caution?
What do you ladies think? I would like more insight from ladies who have been at this longer. Thank you so much for reading!!!

Pages
Aha - and I just remembered more online dating stories for you regarding relationships.
Okay - one guy DID NOT want a relationship. This was the first guy I dated online. I said fine - but I do want someone to be monogamous and have a good time - I was in my needy stage. We got along well and did a lot of fun stuff. He would get close and then he would pull back and disappear for a week or more. His exw and kids lived in another town. And then he either went back to his exw - or they were still married and she moved to his current city.
There was another guy online who said he wanted someone as an activity partner - just to go to dinner and go very slow. He was a cyclist and very cute. We started emailing and found we had a lot in common. So then we proceeded to talk on the phone. NO WONDER he didn't want to go fast - he had 2 bad marriages and the last one turned his whole life upside down - so much drama - ruined the relationship with his son, put his finances in arrears, ruined his self esteem, on and on. I stopped taking his calls.
Now I am remembering more. There was another guy online - a runner who was really cute as well. Wrote the most amazing letters. But said he was tired of dating and wanted to go real slow. Turns out his kids have bad behavior problems (he can only go to drive in movies because of this) and he has been through a string of girlfriends.
Aha - and another one. This guy was a 47 and never been married. Said he liked to go REAL SLOW. Okay - GOOD! Finally one who wants to be friends first. I did have issues with some of his childhood past - his mother abused him as a child - would leave him outside all night in the winter to punish him - but my friends said - oh he is so nice give him a chance. Anyway, his idea of slow was NOT WITH SEX, it was with the relationship itself. He only wanted a holiday fling because he could never trust a woman and is a workaholic to hide himself from real life.
When they go out of their way to say they don't want a relationship or only want to go to dinner or have to go real real slow - that is a flag that there is an issue. And you need to find out what the issue is!! Also, if they are tired of dating, that is THEIR problem!
Edited 1/7/2007 8:27 pm ET by cl-west1745
Pages