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| Tue, 05-31-2005 - 11:23pm |
My boyfriend of 8 years is moving to Texas. This has been planned tenatively for about a yr but he sold his house in March with the intent he'd move down and I'd follow. The problem...I have 3 children by another man. I just got done battling him for custody and he was just granted suppervised visit last month. He abused me and the kids. I am terrified of starting a new battle of relocation with him.
Everything was fine until my bf told his mom I was moving down with him. She doesn't think its a good idea but said she wouldn't disown him as long as i lived in my own apartment. Its a long story as to why she is opposed to this but she does have a valid reason.
My problem is that the whole reason I could validate taking my kids away from friends and family was because it would be a better life financially, they would have a two parent home where there is no fighting, yelling etc..but now that I cant' live with him and I will basically be living the same life there that i am here...well i just can't justify it...any idea's...comments???
I'm absolutely devastated right now because he's leaving this weekend and at this point I am not plannign on going...
Thanks! S

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I guess I don't understand why his mother plays a role in HIS decisions for HIS life? Is he not an adult?
As for the custody thing... I would suggest that you look for a SUPER FABULOUS job in Texas where you would be better off on your own. That way you can say to the judge, "look, I've got a great job waiting for me, one that will afford my kids and I a better life". Don't mention the boyfriend in all of it- don't tell your ex that you want to move cause your bf is moving. I doubt the judge will say that you're being unreasonable and unfair if you're trying to make a better life for your kids. Especially if you have an agreement ready for visitation times and such, like he can have the kids for certain holidays and half the summer.
While I can't give much advice on the bf thing, since you don't really elaborate on the mother issue, I will say this: do not move to Texas just because of a guy. If you want to honestly move there, you find yourself a great job, love the place, have interests that are fuelled there, then go. But if the SOLE reason is the guy- don't bother. You don't want to cut yourself off of everything just for a guy, because if you two break up, what do you have? But if you do decide to go there, I think it would be beneficial to get your own place, at least to start. In time, if you and your bf decide to move in together, you will have made the decision without the pressure of "I need a place now that I'm here".
Good luck
Alison
Hi:) Welcome.
Before I can really comment on your concerns, I have a question...
Have you and your BF talked about marriage, or committment or the future?
It sounds like he's willing to pack it up and move with or without you, and that is not a good sign. I would not be comfortable even contemplating relocating away from my home, family and support system to be with a man, unless I had a firm committment for marriage and that means a ring on my finger, the date set and the place booked.
Not to defend the mother, but maybe she knows something you don't? It's worth a conversation with your bf to make sure where your relationship stands. Don't be in such a hurry to move, unless your sure.
Yes we have talked of the future. We plan on many children! and while we want to wait to get married..he's divorced and recently so, so we want to wait a while and not rush things. Yes that explains the mother issue.
This move was supposed to be together but I am hesitant to relocate. I've lived in Washington my whole life. He was born in Texas and for as long as I've known him he's wanted to move back but only stayed because of me...
The reason why his mother has input on this is because his parents are the ones buying the new house. He gets paid cash for works for most of his income and while he has flawless credit due the inability to prove income his parents are putting the house in their name. So if he pisses them off..no house!
Its not that he's willing to pack up and leave me behind, its more of the fact that due to how our relationship came about its just best for us to leave. We had made the plans to leave and he's arranged things accordingly and I've changed my mind. He's got to go because of a job and things he has set up there now.. He's very upset at leaving me behind and absolutely wants me to come as soon as i can..I guess I'm just scared to make such a huge decision. Its a big move and while my family is far from close its still scary to leave them behind.
Thanks for your input!
I guess I am being really nosey here, but I have to ask??? You have been with a boyfriend for 8yrs, that is still married AND you have been with him for so long, but do not have a commitment (I mean, no set date of marriage). Exactly how long do you plan on going on with that? I take it, and maybe I am TOTALLY wrong here, but I suspect, that you were the other woman who he left his X for and that is why is mother is so upset. Could this be correct? Please don't think I am judging you. I definitely am not, just trying to make a picture of the scenario. Stop me if I am wrong.
However, assuming I am not. A word of advice.... Don't move. Why? Because your boyfriend, if he really loved you, wouldn't care about a house or no house. He wouldn't care what his parents thought. He would develop a credit of his own, even though it might take a little longer and stand by you. If it's really love, you would have a ring on your finger and you would be working on a house together. It sounds to me, that your boyfriend wants his cake and eat it too and if he really loves you, then he will stand by you no matter what and take on the resposibility of making sure what is best for your children and for you. You my dear are getting the SHORT end of the stick and have a bigger risk then anyone. He'll have his cozy little house all paid for and YOU won't even be allowed to live in it. What sort of life is that? Even if MY boyfriend THOUGHT to do that to me, he would be out of my life and kicked in his butt.
You want to make a change in your life and live a better life? Well, then do it. Don't depend on a man, because I am sorry to say, he isn't thinking of you and he is not dependable. Find yourself a location, then research it, get yourself a job and get yourself out of your predicament of feeling you are caged. I am still living in Germany. I have been here 10 yrs and I have an X husband that has made my life miserable the last 5 yrs. I have had enough. I did exactly what I suggested above and now I will be heading stateside with my two girls to a town and state that I have only seen once and that was for only for a week. I just KNEW when I flew over Wilmington in that plane, that this is exactly what I always dreamed of. I don't even have the set job yet in stone, but I would rather take my own risk then risk my childrens life and my life for another man that is not even able to commit and stand up for me. In 86 days I am finally living my life and no one to interfere. The PERK is, while I finally went to visit Wilmington, NC, I was searching for jobs, apartments and schools for our new life. I met an awesome man (he was interviewing me for jobs) who has totally fallen in love with me and adores me. Totally out of the blue. Totally unexpected and I was moving for my girls and myself, but now I also have someone that can't wait for me to get their. He is into me. He has done everything in his power to support me mentally. He thinks my decision to move like this and take such a risk is awesome and takes guts. He calls me his superwoman.
What I am saying is: Make a change for yourself and your children. Go to the courts when you have everything settled and explain the better life you can offer them (by the way, that is how I was able to leave Germany, because I was able to state my case, that my children were better off back in the States and I won.). Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself, Believe in yourself. Make a change and good things will happen. I promise.
I hope I didn't step on your toes. Keep us posted.
Hugs,
Catherine
Hello worththewait4sure,
I do agree with the others that you should have a ring on your finger before you move.
But I see a few issues that would make me think twice about him and this move for YOU. First of all you are both newly divorced and especially you are coming out of an abusive relationship. This all takes some time to heal and settle in. Second of all he is moving and wanting to go back to Texas without any regard for you and your situation with 3 kids. How will this move affect their lives after they have also been through a divorce and having to watch you in an abusive relationship? Third, his mother is meddling in your relationship - that is never a good sign to start and can be very troublesome for the future. My marriage failed because of a poisonous mother in law - don't take this lightly.
I know it is hard for you right now, but you have to stay put and see what happens. Focus on your children and bettering your life. Then everything will fall into place.
I wish you well. Welcome to our board - I hope you stay and post with us. I hope I have helped you somehow - I am sure there will be more good advice, too.
Hey Catherine,
I think we were both writing at the same time!! Your post is awesome and inspiring - GREAT ADVICE. I am so happy for you!!
I wouldn't move. You can't live with him because his parents bought the house. If you like living under his parent's thumb, then go for it but you will be doing your children a huge disservice.
Let him go and I'd start looking for someone else.
Well, thanks for answering my question and giving me some more details.
Now I can address the question in your first post better...
"My problem is that the whole reason I could validate taking my kids away from friends and family was because it would be a better life financially, they would have a two parent home where there is no fighting, yelling etc..but now that I cant' live with him and I will basically be living the same life there that i am here...well i just can't justify it...any idea's...comments???"
I agree with you, I don't think you can justify it. Your main reasons have been stripped away. He isn't giving you any good reasons to move now, and if you do, there is no guarantee that it will ever work out...not with his mother making his major decisions for him.
There are other red flags here as well, but I think the others have already pointed them out to you, so I'll just end with good luck to you, whatever you decide. But I think your instincts are telling you not to go, and I would follow them.
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