Foolish

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Foolish
8
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 1:12pm

hi all. i am new to this board but definately need a space to vent and hope that someone can listen and respond. its amazing how honest one can be in the cyber world yet unablet o say the same things in real life.
i am a mom of a 2nd grade child. i have no contact ever w/ bio dad. i have been w/ a guy for the past 4 years. in the beginning it was an amazing connection and i really truly had fallen in love with him. he took care of my son and me and i did the same for him. he was seeing a therapist for sometime and asked me to go w/ him, it was actually our first valentines. so i go never having gone to a therapist before and he basically tells me there that he feels like i am not emotional enough etc. i was so shocked b/c up to that pt i thought things were going well. consequently i started seeing a therapist trying to figure out what was "wrong" w/ me. she kept telling me to stop disecting myself and realize that other people have issues to i.e. him but i couldn't hear it. over time relationship progressively got worse there are many instances of him getting upset and acting the fool. i have completly become isolated from most people in my life b/c my relationship w/ him is so consuming. we live together and much of the relationship can be described as a reaction to his highs and lows. he has embarrassed me and demeaned me and is at times verbally/emotionally abusive. yet he constantly sys that i am cold and unloving and that i am emotionally abusing him and that i have issues that i need to figure out b/c he has been so great and that i have not progressed the relationship in anyway. he never takes responsibility for the things that he has done to hurt me its always about him and about the fact that he is great (not great but pretty good according to him) and that he has only done things in response. last may he moved out which was really tough since we had lived together for so long. but we still were always together. last october i had enough and just decided i was tired of being tired. so we were apart for several months. he would call of course b/c he was "such a good friend to me". for awhile i was doing okay. i was really sad at evening time and couldn't sleep in the bedroom but in many ways i was happy. we started seeing eachother again and i found out he had been dating this woman and i think it propelled me to push the relationship issue again and want no one else to be in the picture etc. several months later he moved back in. now where are we? back to the same foolishness. i am always in the one down position with him although he says he doesn't understand why. yet i am constantly in the wrong w/ him always saying, doing something wrong. always not something.

i feel guilty b/c he lives w/ me and he is always threatening to end the relationship but then says "well just help me get on my feet again"
we have a codependent relationship. when my son was w/ his grandparents for the summer i should have ended it but i didn't. now we are both miserable.

i think i really need a friend right now...there is so much more i could say but i appreciate you listening thus far.
i am embarrased b/c i am a professional educated woman and yet i feel like i have made such retarded decisions.

me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: hamiltonpenn
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 5:20pm

HI and welcome. I think after reading your post that you want someone to tell you it's okay for you to leave him. I'm telling you, it's okay for you to leave him. It's also okay for you not to, if being miserable is what turns you on- until he becomes abusive.
Think of what your child is learning- do you want him to grow up thinking it's all right for men to treat women that way, and that his mother isn't capable of standing up for her own rights? If you can't stand up for yourself, how can you stand up for him?
I think a friend is definitely what you need, and we're always here, certainly, but consider a hobby where you can meet new people, or even just a playgroup where you can spend time with your child and meet new people at the same time. There are plenty of ways to make new friends, and you can mend the broken fences with old ones, but you must decide that that is something you want to do.
Many of us here can relate to being with a user/abuser in some way, so please don't feel like you're alone. And being codependent on its own isn't the end of the world, but in a relationship that's unhealthy for other reasons, it's a recipe for disaster.
Being a professional and mentally educated does nothing for your heart. Everyone is human, and we all have the same issues as regards matters of the heart, whether we are high school drop outs or have PhDs. Knowing and learning how to deal with those issues is what makes us wise, not education.
Please feel free to vent, come here for support, advice or friendship whenever you want/need to. This is a great group of women coming from all different perspectives.

Moody- getting wiser by the day, I hope


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: hamiltonpenn
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 8:02pm

After reading your story, I feel that you are sure of what you have to do. But in case you are not, I can tell you what I would do. I would tell him to move out. And I would cut all contact with him and move on. Because what he has shown you so far is less than stellar. And it obviously is not going to change.

Sure, you will be lonely. But you CAN DO something about that. You can get your friends back and make new ones.

The sooner you get this done, the sooner you will be over him. And the day that he leaves is not sad because it is your last day with him - it is happy because it is the first day to a new beginning.

It is up to you now.

Welcome - we are always here to cheer you on!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
In reply to: hamiltonpenn
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 9:46pm
Hi. I agree with Moody, that maybe you are looking for someone to give you that little extra nudge to help you see more clearly what you already know. And it's important to remember that when you are ready to end the relationship, that doesn't mean you won't be sad. When I first got separated, I remember wondering why I was so sad that he was gone when I thought I was so ready for him to be gone. I would start to doubt myself just a bit, then talk to my family or friends to help me remember that I really did want him to be gone. Not that anyone talked me into or out of anything, just conversations like "Remember the time he kicked in the back door because he thought you locked him out?" or "Remember the time he took the phone apart so you couldn't call anyone?". Then I'd remember fairly quickly the reasons he was gone and needed to be gone.
Like Moody said already, you have to think of yourself and your child first. And really see what it is your child is seeing and learning in all of this. And take the advice of the therapist and know that other people have issues too!
Good luck...
Sheesh
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
In reply to: hamiltonpenn
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 9:12am

thanks all for the responses. not so much as needing anyone to tell me its okay but similarly needing a place to let it out. living w/ this person is mentally toxic and sometimes if i do not put my own feelings out they got lost and confused. i think we have decided that he is moving out. last night i just was like i can not deal w/ this. i typically describe him as a coliced newborn who just cries no matter what you do. last night i was so clear on what i wanted. then i got cauught up in his view of things. but at somepoint i was like this is like being in the twilight zone and i realized how much of what he was saying/doing was a ploy. for example he said i think you might be cheating. i am like huh? where did that come from? then he said i think you are a liar and a few other things beyond that. i realized he wanted to piss me off so that then he could say oh i thought you said we were going to try to make up, but now you are mad what kind of friend are you. that is his game, its baiting etc. he then started to get into his victim thing of i don't understand why you won't cheer me up, why didn't you tell me you don't want to be w/ me etc. why are you so callous towards me etc. he said if you know that i am mad, why can't you look past the mean things that i am saying. i am just angry. why can't you "be my friend". i am thinking, is this guy for real. i asked him what does he want explicitly he says be a friend make me laugh. okay how am i supposed to do that when you keep insulting me. when you keep saying things for effect. i tried to touch him, he said don't touch me. but then started saying how i won't even give him a hug. i gave him a hug, don't touch me. please someone explain to me the term for this type of insanity.

i do not know if i am sad as much as i feel like i failed, i am embarrassed etc. i chose to be a single mom b/c that guy was problems. i easily managed that and never looked back, not once. yet with this guy i am a total duffus.

i do not know how to manage this weekend. weekends are the worst here. b/c although he is moving out he has to find time to get a place. i really do not have anywhere to go but really do not want to deal with him at all. i have some things to do w/ my son on sat. but there is saturday evening and sunday...

thanks for listening all and responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: hamiltonpenn
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 1:32pm
Be strong, you are doing the right thing for yourself and for your child. I was MARRIED to a guy much like your STBX for 21 years. We got married when I was 22 and although there were some indications that this was what life with him would be like I saw only the good parts, believed he'd mature into the person I thought he was. Wrong. The manipulative behavior only got worse. A person like this keeps you hooked by giving you just enough to keep you in there, keep you unbalanced, doubting your own perceptions. Typically, this kind of person just gets progressively worse. I too went to counseling to find out what was wrong with me, the therapist gave me a book on verbal abuse, truely saved my sanity. Journaling helped me keep things out of the twilight zone. I look back at the stuff I put up with and feel total humiliation. But I realize he is an expert at manipulation, I loved him, and we have children, so i try to cut myself a break as to putting up with his craziness for so long. No regrets, you need to cut your losses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: hamiltonpenn
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 7:07pm

You will get through this. You need to get away from this man and do not take him back. You've been with him for 4 years. It's not going to get better with him.

**BUT** you can make some new friends. Start a new hobby. Get out and enjoy life. Enjoy your son.

Things feel bad because he's still renting space in your head. When you finally make a clean break from him, you will be happy again and not mourn that he's gone. You'll be so happy he's out of your life for good.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
In reply to: hamiltonpenn
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 7:03pm
Hugs!
Sometimes we listen to our hearts.
It's not a bad thing but sometimes we do know in our mind it isn't meant to be.
If you are of the belief this not good for you or your child (miserable) maybe it is time to end it. I know it is easier said than done.
My heart goes out to you hon.
Don't feel embarassed, it's not your fault.
Usually I don't post but felt I had to.
Just went through a couple of short-term relationships that I knew were not good.
I went with my heart but know now in my head they were not meant to be.
One was a three-month nightmare, pure h*ll.
Thank-fully he never had any interaction with my ds.
The other lasted less than a month but he had other priorities and I was not one of them.
Just believe in yourself.
While I am hoping things will work out for me I know I am okay.
I have my dd and my ds and our kitty cats wonderful family and friends who love and support me.
Just know you aren't alone hon in thinking your decisions aren't the greatest...me to.
Hindsight...too bad we have to make a few mistakes in life but eventually, hopefully we will get it right...it's how we learn.
Take care and hope you and your ds are doing okay.
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
In reply to: hamiltonpenn
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 10:29am

thanks so much for the wonderful response from you as well as everyone else who took the time to reply to my post. i have been trying to refocus on me and remember that i am with someone who has an abusive personality.

working on moving on...

thanks again!