Forseeing a HUGE problem....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Forseeing a HUGE problem....
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Mon, 06-11-2007 - 10:48am

Sunday night, when M and I went to his oldest DD's scrimage Baseball game, I suddenly wished I had stayed at home. I am having a few issues that I am not sure how to deal with.
Ok, see if you can get this straight.....

M's X wife, is married to the man she had an affair with. M has known his X wife since they were kids and they have a special relationship in that way. It doesn't bother me, because I have the same one with Alex's father. Neither I, nor M has respect for them, but we have a long relationship knowing them, so we treat them like family, like them or not. Kind of like the black sheep. Ok so issue number one is:

M's X wife, is married to this SCUM BALL. I mean TOTAL POND SCUM. The guy is so GROESS that he is covered in tattoos, but to make it worse, one of them has a melting clowns face on his back and underneath it, it reads "because I can". Ok, TELL me that isn't creepy? The first issue is, this guy LEERS at me. He watches my every move and he is so blatant about it, it just makes me cringe. I feel horribly violated by him. I mentioned it to M, but M, just says it's because I'm so pretty and he can't help but to look. But it's BEYOND that. Their is a thing called looking and a thing called violating someone. Does that make sense? I know I am going to keep bumping into this guy, because it's M's X wife's husband, but yesterday, it was so bad that I became VERY upset by it. WHAT DO I DO? How to I handle it, if it keeps getting that way?
Now this guy, has a son, who is the step brother to M's girls. This kid is 17 and off the chain. He is a neo nazi, racist and a very violent child. Hmmmmm. Makes you wonder that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. M's two daughters are being raised by these scum every other weekend, but I don't want my children around this kid or around this man. I am very worried and upset about the fact that M's kids are already. When we were at the ball game yesterday, this kid was hanging around M's youngest. I am glad Alex is old enough to realize the guy is disgusting and she says that the guy that M's X wife is married too, is really creeping her out. She left M's youngest to be with me then. Yesterday, after she told me about this kid, I strictly forbid her to be around that guys kids and his friends or around that guy when M's X wife isn't around. However, I'm starting to worry about M's kids as well. Not so much the oldest, but the youngest has a few ideas in her head at age 13 with hormones and boys that I am not too happy with her being around those type of people. Nothing I can do about that. But I just don't like my children being in the precense of poeple like that. It's making me wonder about my relationship with M, because of it and that is sad because he can't do a darn thing about it. So it's not his fault. Any suggestions?

Third issue:
As mentioned, M's X wife and M have that childhood relationship, they were married and they have two children together, BUT... I am having a slight issue with this. Not a big deal at the moment, but if our relationship continues, I do have a slight issue....

M's X, walks into M's house all the time. She just goes in as if it's her house. Maybe that's the relationship they have always had, but I somehow have a problem with this. I am hoping that it won't continue down the line if things ever worked out. I just don't want some X. Mine or his, to be walking into my home when we are home or not. M keeps his door open all the time and it's basically a welcome sign of come in, come all. I guess it's not an issue right now, but I would like to nip that one in the butt at some point. Again, its a violation of my own privacy. I don't even know if M does it at their house. I haven't noticed, because I was only over once and they were already standing their. If this really continues, any ideas of how to handle this with gloved hands?

Ok, so those are the issues I am starting to see and otherwise, M and I are extremely happy. He's a good man. He gets better and better every day. I would hate to have to end things because of the things above, but I have had it actually linger in my mind a few times. It's making me reserved and quiet. Any thoughts would be great.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:14pm

Issues 1, the X’s husband leering:
You own the leering part where you can go up to him and tell him to knock it off. I know most women want their man to be their protector but if it bothers you then you are responsible to put a stop to it not M.

Issue 2a, ex’s stepson:
Mixing families and dealing with soon-to-be step children and ex-spouses and their extended family are big relationship challenges. I don’t know how far down the road you are in your relationship with M but once it gets serious then maybe family counseling to start the dialog and putting such concerns on the table would help? This is something to consider if how he is raising his children is an issue with you.

In the meantime, yes protect your own children like you would with any other people you don’t want them to be associated with. I assume you are discussing your reservations and discomfort with M. It’s all about open communication.

Issue 3, no boundaries with M’s wife:
I don’t know if M has had a relationship since his divorce and if so how far that went before it ended but I would be surprised his other relationships tolerated that as well. Having an open door policy would bother me if I am in a committed relationship

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:33pm

I validate your feelings and know I would feel the same way.

I think you should talk about how you feel with with him. Life throws us curve balls and how you solve problems is a big deal. If he is concerned about how you feel and makes you feel more comfortable with his solutions you are a winner! Better to get a test like that out of the way sooner than later.

With regards to the tattoo thing - I can see how you would freak. Maybe there is something about you that reminds the guy of an exgf or maybe he thought you were hot and he is a classless jerk. I would try to minimize time with him and not let my kids go around his. But maybe the next time he won't be so bad? I think this is something you have to observe over time. But certainly listen to your inner voice.

I don't see why he can't rekey the house and tell her did that as a matter of security but if she wants to come over just call and knock. I would not like that either - but it seems that if he cares about you he can fix it.

I think it is still part of a culture shock to you coming from Europe to the sticks. Not easy for you for sure. Try to remember the things you didn't like about the German guys. But listen to your inner voice for sure, too, because it is never wrong.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:39pm

Hey Mark,
Ya know? It has nothing to do with me needing a protector. I am very capable of handling my own. I always have. If it was someone else, I would. But this is the X's wife husband and I feel like a WHOLE can of worms will open up if I were to get unglued, because I will get unglued. Because I KNOW that I feel so disgusted that I would say some horrible things and I really don't think, in this situation that it is my place. I know that M is very touchy with the fact that this guy already had an affair with his X, so it would definitely be the icing on the cake if M thought that this guy might be doing more then just "looking". Again, I mentioned it to M, but he just said he is only "looking", but I noticed M zone in on him and watch him. The guy was sitting across on the other bleachers in full view of me and M finally made a lame excuse for me to scoot a row down, because he couldn't see right. I knew it was a lie, because I could see perfectly, but when I did, the guy couldn't see me anymore, because of the way the fence was positioned. Anyway, a few minutes later he left.
M does a great job raising his children full time. However, come visiting weekend at her house, he can voice his opinions regarding the X and her hubby, but in the end, their is not a whole lot he can do. He has agreed that I am right about keeping the children away from them and he is going to start doing the same with his youngest. I wrote him a lengthy email, which he hasn't yet replied too, but it's pretty lengthy and he might have to sit back and reflect on a few things I mentioned. Our relationship is really very new (2 months), but any potential red flags that I see, I want to, if possible, get those out of the way immediately.

As far as her walking in the house, if it keeps continuing down the line, I will definitely put a stop to it personally and tell her to please knock. Last time it happened, M and I were in a deep moment of kissing, so maybe that will eventually teach her to not storm in. Otherwise, THAT is one thing, I feel is ok for me to mention.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:56pm
The problem is, this IS a problem. At first when I first met this guy 4 weeks ago, I noticed him stare and stare and stare, but I just blew it off, because I looked really good and I knew that. I just ignored the jerk and that was that. But 4 weeks has gone by and it's gotten worse and worse by every time he see's me now. More and more obvious EVERY weekend. This is now DIFFERENT. I am not talking the normal "looking"; this has gone beyond. Ever see the movies where the guy is this big, fat disgusting slob and has the mean nasty piggy eyes and he just looks you up and down with this disgusting grin on his face and you KNOW what he's thinking? That is the guy. The guy truely scares me and I'm not joking about that. I was raped many many years ago when I was 17 and that is the type of feeling he gives me. I have never told that to anyone here on this board and I sure the heck don't plan on saying that to M. Only a very very small amount of people know about that. Not even the majority of my family. Maybe that is why I am freaking out, because I have never felt that way before with anyone else and suddenly, this guy actually brings fear in me. He doesn't look anything like him or anything, but it's the SENSE. The sense that he's not a good person and that it's not harmless behaviour. It just wants me to keep my children much closer to me and makes me worry about his.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 2:00pm

Hey myprecioustwo, I was not trying to dis you. I was making the case of delinating responsibility. I believe if someone is bugging me then I go to that person rather than "telling on them." I use that with my two children when one complains about the other and I tell them to work it out between themselves (not to imply that you are immature or childish).

I don't discount that it may be a challenge for you to confront him on the leering part for most of us (me included) that IS a hard thing for me to do. I also believe I can confront without losing it. I do believe there are ways of telling someone directly, assertively, with force and conviction with politeness, without coming unglued. I can't say I can do that with skill but it's something I know I can do (with practice .. but I don't have too much opportunity to practice LOL).

Make sense?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 2:23pm

Oh dear - that explains it much better. I thought that this was the first time you met him. How could she marry a man like that? Blucko - the description of him makes my skin crawl for sure.

I don't know what to say - only you can know what is best for you. But I don't blame you for feeling that way by the way you describe him. That gives me the chills, too.

I think your time with him could be minimized - but given the circumstances of the children I don't think you could make it go away.

See what M says about all this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 3:29pm

Ok- the thing with the XW coming into the house- that is HIS issue to deal with... you can certainly tell him how you feel about it, but you cannot expect a change if he's comfortable with it.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 4:13pm

reading your posts i feel kinda sad for this M that you are dating...his X left him for this guy, and now you're rubbing his nose in the fact the new husband is staring at you...i've noticed my DSO's XW's new man stares at me, sometimes in a seemingly "leering" way, but what am i gonna do?...confront the guy and tell him not to look at me?...he could easily answer "its a free world", you know?...have you thought maybe you are hoping to make M jealous?...maybe your hopes was to incite M to tell you its cause "you're pretty" or confirm that you "look good" or encourage him to behave protectively and move your seat??...is that why you informed him of a guy leering at you?...why else?...what can M do?...do you want M to approach his X's husband and tell him not to look at you?...do you want him to make a scene and risk a physical fight?...seriously, i can't think of anything that can be done about a man staring at us except the best defense is probably to hold your head up, ignore him, and stay out of his way as much as possible...i really can't think of any other way to deal with it without making a big stink that could blow things outta proportion.

most all women understand its disturbing to have a creep leer at us, but we can't really go around making a mountain outta a molehill and confronting men and telling them they can't look at us IMO...i mean, it doesn't sound like this man is approaching you in any inappropriate way and rather you get the impression hes staring too much at you...to be honest, i can't figure how you can be certain a man on an opposite bleecher is staring at YOU from that distance anyway...maybe hes getting his perverse kick outta seeing you squirm and noticing you whisper to M about it and see M scramble to move your seats?...maybe he gets his cheap thrill by hoping to make M feel insecure with you too to belitte M for having stolen his X?...i say that because i've noticed sometimes it seems BMs new man trys to stare me down, in an effort to make me feel uncomfortable and maybe to make my DSO (his womans X) feel uncomfortable...personally, i wouldn't bother to stress my DSO with comments on men leering at me...i've never mentioned to him the times i felt BM's new man was looking at me "that way"....why would i?...what could i accomplish but to make my DSO feel jealous or ill at ease or at worst, have him confront the new man and get into a scuffle over this.

being as you say this is a "very new relationship" and you have some apparent issues, it might be wise to slow down blending your families until you are more certain the romance is solid...i know DSO and i waited many months before introducing our kids so as not to have them become prematurely attached to our dates.

i'd take it a bit easy and not stress over matters you have little control over (such as people looking at us too much).

good luck!

honey




Edited 6/11/2007 4:14 pm ET by honeynvinegar2003

    

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 4:58pm
Hmmm interesting perception. I guess I should have noted that he was standing right next to us at first with his group (drinking beer at a childrens softball game-yes, winner)and then later moved to the bleachers and continued. And I I happened to notice that because our children were near his bleachers playing in a field and we were watching to make sure my little one wouldn't wander off. No, I wasn't staring back and obviously, I don't think it's a good idea to make M feel more insecure in any way. After a fourth week of this getting worse, I guess I did feel compelled to ask M what he thought that this guys found so darn interesting. I didn't say anything further that is why I came to this board for suggestions. And I was smart enough several weeks ago to let M know I thought he was repulsive after M made a comment to me regarding a conversation we had pertaining to his several obscene tattoos. And if you read my post, I said I didn't think I should say something to him, but I am wondering what to do if we are going to have to spend more time with them for any reason and this continues. I don't want to open a can of worms, but I also don't want to just lay and do nothing if I have a relationship with M and we deal with them a few times the week at every softball game or otherwise. No it's not his fault, but if we see them several times the week and this guy at some point possibly makes an advance when others aren't around, I guess I would like to know how to nip it in the butt before it happens. This has nothing to do with jealousy, but a lot more then that and yes, it's very unfair to M and I'm sorry I can't change what happened to him, I can't change what happened to me either, so I think its also unfair to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:21pm

I would flip out at the same things as you - the guy drinking the beer at the children's game, the tattoos, the behavior of the bad man's kids, the looks, etc.

I don't think you should pussyfoot about your feelings and this situation. They are just too strong with the children involved and with what you see and what you describe. I mean, you can't make yourself LIKE something like that or pretend it doesn't exist.

But I do think you could not attend the games - I mean - wouldn't it be better if you and your kids did something fun for the three of you separately? And he can enjoy his time with his own kids at the game and then you meet up with him afterwards? Personally I would detest having to sit at something like that for someone else's kids. But that is just me.

I think you can avoid a lot of it. See how that plays out to minimize it. Are there any other functions you would have to attend where Leerer is present? I am trying to think of positive solutions for you so you are happy and so this can get a chance to grow. You guys have spent a little time together and you may just need a breath of fresh air to yourself so your nerves settle a bit.

I am thinking that the thing with his exw is not that big of a deal as compared to this and can be dealt with on her next barge in. The positive side of that is that he hasn't been having all these woman over - he probably hasn't had to deal with that all that much.

It amazes me that he could have such a positive attitude given his circumstances.

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