Forseeing a HUGE problem....
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| Mon, 06-11-2007 - 10:48am |
Sunday night, when M and I went to his oldest DD's scrimage Baseball game, I suddenly wished I had stayed at home. I am having a few issues that I am not sure how to deal with.
Ok, see if you can get this straight.....
M's X wife, is married to the man she had an affair with. M has known his X wife since they were kids and they have a special relationship in that way. It doesn't bother me, because I have the same one with Alex's father. Neither I, nor M has respect for them, but we have a long relationship knowing them, so we treat them like family, like them or not. Kind of like the black sheep. Ok so issue number one is:
M's X wife, is married to this SCUM BALL. I mean TOTAL POND SCUM. The guy is so GROESS that he is covered in tattoos, but to make it worse, one of them has a melting clowns face on his back and underneath it, it reads "because I can". Ok, TELL me that isn't creepy? The first issue is, this guy LEERS at me. He watches my every move and he is so blatant about it, it just makes me cringe. I feel horribly violated by him. I mentioned it to M, but M, just says it's because I'm so pretty and he can't help but to look. But it's BEYOND that. Their is a thing called looking and a thing called violating someone. Does that make sense? I know I am going to keep bumping into this guy, because it's M's X wife's husband, but yesterday, it was so bad that I became VERY upset by it. WHAT DO I DO? How to I handle it, if it keeps getting that way?
Now this guy, has a son, who is the step brother to M's girls. This kid is 17 and off the chain. He is a neo nazi, racist and a very violent child. Hmmmmm. Makes you wonder that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. M's two daughters are being raised by these scum every other weekend, but I don't want my children around this kid or around this man. I am very worried and upset about the fact that M's kids are already. When we were at the ball game yesterday, this kid was hanging around M's youngest. I am glad Alex is old enough to realize the guy is disgusting and she says that the guy that M's X wife is married too, is really creeping her out. She left M's youngest to be with me then. Yesterday, after she told me about this kid, I strictly forbid her to be around that guys kids and his friends or around that guy when M's X wife isn't around. However, I'm starting to worry about M's kids as well. Not so much the oldest, but the youngest has a few ideas in her head at age 13 with hormones and boys that I am not too happy with her being around those type of people. Nothing I can do about that. But I just don't like my children being in the precense of poeple like that. It's making me wonder about my relationship with M, because of it and that is sad because he can't do a darn thing about it. So it's not his fault. Any suggestions?
Third issue:
As mentioned, M's X wife and M have that childhood relationship, they were married and they have two children together, BUT... I am having a slight issue with this. Not a big deal at the moment, but if our relationship continues, I do have a slight issue....
M's X, walks into M's house all the time. She just goes in as if it's her house. Maybe that's the relationship they have always had, but I somehow have a problem with this. I am hoping that it won't continue down the line if things ever worked out. I just don't want some X. Mine or his, to be walking into my home when we are home or not. M keeps his door open all the time and it's basically a welcome sign of come in, come all. I guess it's not an issue right now, but I would like to nip that one in the butt at some point. Again, its a violation of my own privacy. I don't even know if M does it at their house. I haven't noticed, because I was only over once and they were already standing their. If this really continues, any ideas of how to handle this with gloved hands?
Ok, so those are the issues I am starting to see and otherwise, M and I are extremely happy. He's a good man. He gets better and better every day. I would hate to have to end things because of the things above, but I have had it actually linger in my mind a few times. It's making me reserved and quiet. Any thoughts would be great.

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>>"...this guy at some point possibly makes an advance when others aren't around, I guess I would like to know how to nip it in the butt before it happens.">>
well, how else to nip it in the *bud* then to just be personally aware, on guard, and prepared as most all women need to be around certain men...i mean, i can't see that it would make it any better if M is aware of these leers, can you?...nor do i imagine it'd get any better if M confronted the new husband, do you?...in fact, confrontation with an accusation "hey stop looking at myprecious!" could actually incite the new husband to approach you at some point to try to explain himself to you...i just can't think of anything that can prevent the possibility this man *might* make an advance to you someday, short of breaking it off with M and thus taking yourself out of this mans line of sight evermore....IF this is the "HUGE problem" you seem to feel, maybe thats your answer?
you say: >>"I guess I did feel compelled to ask M what he thought that this guys found so darn interesting">>
in a previous post of yours from this thread, you yourself explained you understood the guy leering at you was due to you looking "good"....so i'm confused why you'd need M to confirm why this man found looking at you "so darn interesting"?...i would suppose M would consider you were fishing for him to compliment "cause you're pretty".
IMO maybe the new husband is getting a cheap thrill watching you squirm to have a tatooed guy stare you down...and/or maybe he hopes to incite M to remember he stole his wife... the world is filled with 'pretty women', so that can't be the entire point of his leers IMO.
IMO it just seems unfortunate to M that you even brought it up, i'm sure its a sensitive issue to beging with (new husband having been his X's affair partner)...when standing in a group, it should be fairly easy for you to give him a dirty look that says "drop dead creep!"...besides which, i'd guess M is distrustful of this new husband anyway and would notice any leering without your mention...as i said, women get stared at all the time, lotsa times we're stared at by someone in our "circle" that we're around frequently (little league seems to be a ripe place for men to oogle, sad to say).
i just can't imagine what you hoped to accomplish by bringing this up to M but incite him to mention its 'cause you're pretty' and you already suspected that was the reason anyway.
good luck! i'd suggest you try to ignore the creep and hold your head high to let him see you are NOT open to any advances from him in the least...and don't let your guard down, keep him at arms length, and avoid being alone with him!...and if its this troubling to you, you may just want to remove yourself and your children from the company of this new husband altogether...2 months into a romance is the perfect time to consider such "baggage" and weigh if its worth it or not to stay with the guy.
honey
Because there were already so many posts, I did something I never do, and read ahead.
This will save me time, as I agree with Mark and Judy.
This would creep me out too, and I know EXACTLY the look you're talking about, and the vibe you're getting from this guy.
Unfortunately, I don't have a lot fo words of wisdom- although I might suggest that you simply not be where you are fairly sure Creepy will be. If this means not going to the girls' games, then maybe you can meet up for ice cream or something right after. If it means not going to M's Ex's house to pick up/drop off, well, maybe you can meet him at his place, or yours, or whatever venue you decide.
My thought process is that you can simply tell M you aren't comfortable or have other plans- end of story. not who's making you uncomfortable, or that your plans are simply to avoid the discomfort, but just that you can't make it.
I also wouldn't feel great telling Creepy to stop looking at me, and I definitely wouldn't want Junior Creepy around me or my kids. What M has to deal with regarding his children is not what you have to deal with regarding yours.
Being aware is a great first step as far as M's girls go- but they are his, and not yours, and sadly, unless and until something happens, he won't be able to keep them from Creepies Jr and Sr, as they live in the house.
As for the ex barging in whenever she feels like it- I believe this HAS to come from M- and I'm not sure I would talk him into it. I would mention that it made me uncomfortable, and that would probably be that. If he didn't deal with it, I might simply stop going to his place. You have control over yourself and your daughters and your property. At this point, not over his. If there ever comes a time when the four of you live together, I feel you'll have more of an edge- you can lock the door, request that all guests knock, have a say in who spends time with whom, etc, but as things stand, I think you have to concentrate on being responsible for only yourself and your daughters.
I'm not sure I gave any good advice, and I do believe that you could easily tell him to stop, but I do understand the stickiness of this issue, as well as the seriousness.
Good luck, Cat, and keep us posted.
Moody, sending happy thoughts your way
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I am not sure why you feel compelled to answer to this thread anyway, since you are being so rude to me, without having an indication of knowing me. I have made it clear SEVERAL times that the reason I came here for advice first, is because I am unsure what to do. I did not come here to get put down by someone like you.
I also mentioned, this guy has whatever cheap thrill or desire to do what he's doing. Two reasons, because I do take care of myself and I am not going to stop doing that because of one person. And feeling and looking good does NOT make me conceited. I have enough strong confidence in myself. I take care of myself because I always have and most of the women on this board have strong confidence. So I am unsure where you get off in your threads to single me out and put me down.
Of course the situation has crossed my mind several times that I know this guy thinks he's done it once to M and would love to maybe start thinking of a challenge to try it again.
I have been more then sensitive to the situation with M, but I do not need to justify myself to you.
I know it's everyone's right to post an opinion, but in all honesty, I don't want yours any further. So please be considerate to that. Thank you.....
My favorite wisdom, "Never wrestle with a pig,
i wasn't meaning to be "rude" to you and i offered you sound and sensible advice on how to handle this creep...i also never said you were "conceited", but rather pointed out that it could appear you were fishing to have M confirm "you're pretty", why else ask M why some guy is staring at you?...when you yourself expressed that you knew very well the reason was was due to you looking good?
you don't want to hear my comments any further, fine...i can only conclude thats because you want to hear only what you wanna hear :)....which is somewhat human nature and i understand.
these IV public boards are often valuable because we hear lots of differing sides to a situation....i offered MY side as food for thought to you, that IMO M might be feeling salt rubbed in his wound to have you wonder why this particular creep, husband to his X-wife, is leering at you...especially being as what can M do about it?...its virtually impossible to demand a person to stop looking at us, and in fact i suspect if M confronts his X's husband, the creep will have all the more reason to try to approach you to try to iron out your perception....so M likely will feel impotent to do anything and so why bother stressing him with this matter?...i don't recall ever asking my man WHY some guy is leering at me...us women know very well WHY creeps look at us that way....we don't need our dates to confirm that, do we?
but ok...so i gotcha...you're not interested in replies that aren't mimicing precisely your own thoughts and saying exactly what you wanna hear ;).
honey
My girls will be gone in a week and after that I have two months to concentrate on M to continue to grow and learn from one another. I'm realizing their is a lot I need to still learn about him. It will be interesting to see where that leads.
My girls will be gone in a week and after that I have two months to concentrate on M to continue to grow and learn from one another.
That is wonderful timing!
Yes, I think it is important to consider the relatives or extended family you're getting into.
"He has no choice but I do."
BINGO - this is true. I think you can just excuse yourself from any situation with that bad leerer man. That makes it easier for everyone. And really, in the end, it will give time to yourself or just time with your girls.
And yes, you will get more time with him and have a lot to learn. That is the scary part for all of us. Because it always looks good in the beginning. But then we have to hold our hearts back and learn and see everything, not just what we want to see. I am in the process of that myself. So I really understand. And I hate it - but dating is a lot like trying on shoes. They always look good in the store. But we have to try on a lot of pairs and not all of them are ideal for a long walk!! LOL!!
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