Freshly divorced but dating dude 6 mos..
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Freshly divorced but dating dude 6 mos..
| Sun, 07-06-2008 - 11:09pm |
Seems like there is a lot of experience here - can you share some of it with me?
Here's the deal - I will be filing for divorce next week from my STBEX who left me almost a year ago very suddenly after I found out he had had an affair while I was away with my kids. I have two very young children and was absolutely shocked that he wanted a divorce. He has not ever indicated to me that he ever wanted to try to get back together after I found out about the affair. We would have had our 10-year anniversary this spring.
Anyway, 4 or 5 months after all of this happened, I started talking to a friend of a friend, we went out on a date, called back and forth, and ended up sleeping together after about a month of talking and seeing each other a few times. We also did some really fun things together, I have met many of his friends, his daughter, and have hung out at his house. It's been about 6 months since we first started dating and I almost feel like he's backpeddling a bit. In the beginning, he told my friends that he was really blown away by me, that he thought we could really last, etc. He would also say sweet things to me as well.

ACK. It sucks to hear someone in
My first reaction is that he is not right for you. I know the sex is great but unfortunately that is not enough. AND I think that since you are so fresh from your divorce you really needed his affirmations and attention after a loveless marriage and all the grief that brings about when it comes to an end. BUT I think that if you spend time alone and put your life back together - get on a routine, get used to being alone, get the finances in order, make new friends and get new activities, then you are going to be more picky and not want someone who lives so far away and doesn't see you in their life and doesn't want to be married and doesn't want a relationship. You are going to shine on your own and you are not going to settle or walk on eggshells because a guy only wants sex and doesn't want a relationship - you will put you first!! And that is the way it should always be - put yourself first because no one else will - and boundaries and goals - your boundaries and goals - are important!!
Welcome - and good luck - we hope you stick around - you will have a lot of fun here and the more we have the merrier!!
Hello and welcome to the board. I remember how clueless I was when I divorced in 2002 after 21 years of marriage. The biggest mistake I made was dating after being divorced only 5 months. It takes about a year to establish yourself as a single person.
I hate to say it, but he is probably using you for sex. He has told you he doesn't want a relationship. Don't think you can change that. BELIEVE IT. You say you were devastated that your husband called it quits. Understandably so. You have not healed from the loss of your marriage and the loss of your life as a family of four. You are probably on the rebound.
My advice is to cool things with him until you get your divorce finalized and get settled into your new life. Figure out who you are as a single person/parent. You have to be happy with yourself and not looking for someone to provide you with that happiness. You also have to heal from the end of your marriage. You need to get your finances in order and get your children adjusted to this new life as well.
I have been in your shoes and things did not turn out so well. He used me for sex and moved on to his next "relationship". Stick around the board and you will find the ladies here have great advice and been there, done that t-shirts for many situations. I wish I would have had this board when I first divorced. It would have saved me ALOT of heartache and painful lessons.
Stephanie
Ok, two things:
1. he never really wanted to be a father and doesn't want more kids
2. basically he's not interested in a relationship
Believe him when he says these things.
I am in the same boat except no sex. Looking at it from the outside, so to speak, it screams commitment scared. As you get closer to him, he pulls back. Same thing happening to me. My guess is he wants the fun but none of the commitment that comes with it.
Laurie