Friday night he begged me to give him...

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Friday night he begged me to give him...
17
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 2:07pm

another chance. That he was crazy about me and that he loved me so much. He asked me to just not throw it all away. His children came home earlier from their mom's and he suddenly jumped up and had to go. I asked him to please sit an spend a few more minutes so we could discuss how to go about this, he said they are expecting him and he won't let them wait. I told him I thought it was really important, if we were going to make this work to spend a few additional minutes together. I told him that his DD's are 13 and 15 and can spend 30-45 minutes alone. That his children were NOT toddlers. He said THEY would be ANGRY with him for already being late now. He said he loves me, then he left his glasses at the apartment, I called to tell him and he told me again how much he loved me... and then....

I heard nothing from him all weekend. He said he would call, he didnt. I didn't hear one word from him again. I tried to contact him, he didn't respond. Nothing.....

When we talked on Friday, I told him, as I had last monday that the house issue would ruin our relationship, he said he disagreed. He said he understood what I was talking about, but that we were stronger and the house wasn't imporant. That if we remained together, he would just get us a different one.....

Today, I got this email. Not even a "I wish you good luck" or a "take care of yourself"; nothing. All I got was this:

Catherine,

I hope you had a good trip to the beach this weekend. We had a great time. It was good to have some time with just the girls and myself. We really needed that. I think things have changed as far as what the girls and I have planned for the near future. Our lives are moving along at such a fast pass. I hope I can keep up with every thing. Friday night after I got home from your house the girls and I had a very long talk. They opened up to me in ways they hadn’t in quite some time. They were very upset that their dad was so late getting home. This started a very long conversation about you and your girls and what Ali and Sam thought about what was happening between you and me. After that long talk with them and some very in depth thought this weekend on my part, I think we should stop seeing other. I have so much to focus on with the changes that are soon coming in our lives that it would be very difficult if not impossible to work on the differences that I feel you and I have. In many ways we do have many things in common, but I think our approaches at parenting are very different. We have started down separate roads as you said. That is not a bad thing because all of us must choose our path in life. If we would have met at a different time in our lives it might have been different.

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That was it. He had an entire week to think about it. He could of saved all the time and energy of telling me I was wrong, because in the end I was right all along. I know I could respond, but I have no words. One minute he loves me, then he doesn't the next day, then he does the day after that and the next day he doesn't. Instead, he begged me to give him a chance and then he didn't have the guts to say anything to me all weekend until now.

I'm ok with this. I knew it was going to end. I knew the differences we had and how extreme our lives were, but what upsets me is that he said I was wrong about everything and that i caused all this conflict. I didnt cause conflict, I only saw what was the truth. This house, his girls, the X wife, everything. I told him this on Friday and he said no, that isn't true.

Right.......

I have always been someone to respond to everyone's email, but the reality is, I have nothing to say. Nothing. Not even good-bye. I will act like I never saw it or read it or otherwise. Not give him an inclinking of satisfaction for me to respond in any way that might orchestrate any sort of feeling or emotion. Because he didn't have the guts to tell me face to face or on the phone.

Again, I know we had so many differences, but I think the thing that suddenly hit me the most, is that he didn't even wish me well. That the person that I thought was so wonderful and descent, didnt even have the descency to say something that would only end wishing my children and myself the best. After I had told him last week, how happy I am for him and how deserving he is to finally find luck and a new place for him and his children to make them all happy.

And the worst part, he basically states that he's a better parent then I am. Because he jumps hoops that I wouldnt do. I found out that the Softball game on Saturday lasted 10 hours and not even his children were playing. He expected me to be at a 10 hour game and because I said no, and because I asked him to spend 30 additional minutes with me, that he is the better parent, because he would NEVER EVER make his children wait.

Therefore, I believe in my heart that the high road, is to walk away, without a word, without a trace and never look back.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 2:16pm

Man, I DO HATE when others come off making themselves more generous/caring/self aware/spiritual than me when they decide to break up after I decided to leave them. What I think burns me most is that they don't responsibility for their part in the relationship and IF they do, they make it sound that it is really YOUR issue anyway.

Yes walk away, never look back, block and/or don't return his calls/email/IM. And learn from this all.

Take care,
Mark

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 2:37pm

Thanks Mark.
One of my girlfriends said to me, she thought it was one of the most selfish emails she has ever read. The other hasn't even read it yet, but I know, she will flip.

I've always felt that it's ok to say we have our differences and its ok to call it quits; without ending on a bad note of yelling, screaming, blaming. But isn't it the descent thing to say "I am sorry it didn't work out, we are at a different road, but I wish you and your girls ALL the best." Does it take a lot to say "take care"? Even I told him last week that I wished him well and happiness. I told him that on Friday that I wished him and his children only the best. Never would I not say that. I would want anyone to know that even though it might not have worked out that I don't wish them well. Especially after 3 months of spending 4-5 days a week together. How can you not try to say something to the other person to end things on a high note?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 3:01pm

Oh dear, Cat. This sounds so so so much like my exh it is scary. THAT is exactly what my exh said!!!!!!!!!! And it sounds exactly like what he would do. He thinks everyone should be like him and he only cared about what everyone else thinks. Never me. I was always like the Cinderella. Just be there to make him look good. There was never enough I could do. I could go on and on.

Trust me, you are so much better off not to have to deal with this the rest of your life. And thank goodness you figured it out so soon. It took me 10 years and ruined my self esteem and happiness and best years.

I think it is great that you will take the high road. That makes him wonder. And who cares now - you deserve someone so much better. And you will find it. Because you have learned a lot and you know what you want.

I hope you are okay. Keep us posted!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 3:13pm

Oh my gosh Judy, I am just SO glad I caught on to it and nailed it. What would have happened if I had never brought this whole thing up and then he would have completely blind sided me. I could have ended up being with this bozo much longer and really felt hurt. Now I'm just WHATEVER. I'm not hurt, but more angry and disappointed that he didn't even say "take care" after LOVING ME SO MUCH.... He couldn't even wish me well?? What a jerk and yes, I know, no response, leave him wondering.

However, I still have his glasses and I have NEVER ever NOT responded to an email, but I also never have done anything revengeful. I almost feel like sending them in an envelope after the car ran over them. Oops. Just mean and nasty thoughts. I'm not sending anything back, not responding to any calls, or anything. He can buy himself a new pair. It's not that I'm angry he broke up, but I gave him PLENTY of time and energy last week to think things through and then he wasted MY time Friday for a bunch of crock. AND insults me as a mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 3:23pm

So glad to hear you're rid of him! You deserve someone who appreciates and takes into account how you feel and more importantly WHY you feel it.

I would just mail his glasses back to him...but definitely not respond to that trash he sent as an email.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:41pm
Wow, that's really awful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 8:19pm

I was thinking more on this Cat. I think he projected his feelings to his girls and they agreed with him or he somehow felt validated after speaking with them. But whatever. It is apparent he has a closed mind and cannot empathize with the feelings of an SO and negotiate a win/win solution (and maybe this is why his exw had the affair?). You would never change his behavior. What is worse is that he lives his life for the approval of others - which is very apparent after 10 hours of softball for kids not his own.

Everyone has a different parenting style. They do what they feel is best based on their own experiences as a child, what they read and learn throughout life and given their circumstances with time, money and talent. What works for one set of family dynamics might not work for another. I do believe this is a big factor in a blended family situation - and a deal breaker when it collides. He is selfish to impose his judgments on you.

They say that each person has a window - which is how they see the world and the others around them. And each person also has a mirror - which is how they see themselves. You cannot change these. Some people look out their window and they see opportunity. Some see the same challenges as hurdles that cannot be passed. Some have strength of character and the self esteem to stand on their own. Others see themselves as weak and are paranoid of anything new. I guess this is one of the reasons we have to give every relationship time - because you have to find out about the other person and what makes them tick and how it relates to yourself.

In the end it is not really wrong or right - it is just differences. My exh lives his life to please his mom and his boss and to look good to those around him - at all cost really. I believe he has issues from childhood and the way he was raised because his mom is mean and belittling and negative. I feel sorry for him. I really believe we gave it our best shot but it was not in my best interest to remain in such a dysfunctional and unloved and unfulfilled and stifling situation. It was unbearable to me. And I think I have healed because I forgive him and know he did not do or say all the hurtful things out of malice - he did it out of stupidity. I believe this is the same for you. It doesn't mean you are a failure - you just know your self worth and do not wish to remain with someone who stomps on it to such extreme. And you are smart and strong - that was not necessarily the easiest situation. There are many that would settle just to be in a relationship.

I have been trying to think of a way for you to dispose of the glasses. I think you should find a way to give them back without seeing him or saying anything more to him. Because it is sort of bad karma to keep them around or throw them away. I wonder if you can just mail them?

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 12:49pm

I so love what you wrote. Thank you.

However, it isn't parenting skills; it's his children that manipulate him. My girlfriend said he probably came home 45 minutes late and because he called and told them he would be coming home at 9pm and it was 9:45pm, they were VERY upset with him (as he wrote in his email), which brought us on the topic of conversation, because they were jealous that he was spending time with me (going to the beach with him and my kids without them and then spending the weekend in Florida with him alone, without kids) and then it was like "Daddy, you don't love us anymore. You don't let us manipulate you every 5 seconds as you always do. Youlove her more then us." From what I can figure, they were crying and carrying on. To me that is upset in his book. And he fell for that and probably told them that no one will ever come between them and that is that. He is obsessive compulsive over his children. He told me he will never says no and he will do everything and anything to make them happy. They will always be daddy's girls. At first it wasn't so apparent, but then it became more and more and more to the point where I and my children were being affected. He is obessive compulsive with those children and as one friend stated, they all need counseling. He tested me with that ball game this weekend and when I wouldn't JUMP, he was angry and disappointed which brought it to more conflict, but that's all ok.
Let us all not forget, I am finally rid of him. I am only upset that he couldn't end it civily, but otherwise no more wondering this or that regarding his X or other things. It's over. I am relieved. It just wasnt' meant and that's ok. I will find the right one. Thank goodness I can move on to the dating scene again.
As my friend said, don't allow to grow dust on your shoes. You are finally free this summer to do whatever you want, so take advantage of it. And I will.

So I signed up for Match.com and I signed up for American Singles and I will be going to the beach again this weekend, maybe even the weekend after that and on July 22nd I will be at Quanico Virginia to see an old very sexy male Marine friend. I am going to enjoy every second of my singlehood and won't ruin a moment with anymore negative or bad thoughts.

And no, I didn't respond, nor will I anymore and I am dropping his glasses off at his work which is on my way home. He is on vacation this entire week, so he'll never even know until next week, when the receptionist gives them back to him. Perfect solution and doesn't jinx me. I agree Judy, keeping them or throwing away is bad karma. Just be done with it and let it be over.

So let the summer begin........

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 1:46pm
Good! Now is the time to take advantage of your kid free time. Let no dust settle - and keep us posted!
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 6:53pm

Have fun on your trip and takyour OLD excursions.

I must disagree on what you said about his parenting skills. For every relationship it takes two. In this situation, it is not only his children but also him. As the parent, he can stand up to be a parent and not be manipulated. That is what is called parenting.

Kids can whine, weedle, complain, cry, and throw tanturms and if the parent buys into that/gives in then it's the parent's fault for teaching them that it is acceptable and that they can get what they want with such behavior.

The thing about most children, they all push and test our boundaries. In a way it's their job as part of growing up. It's our job as parents to hold those boundaries when appropriate.

Mark

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