Friends who drag you down

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Friends who drag you down
10
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 2:01pm

Isys and Rlch have posts about friends who.... well, let's say they take more from the relationship than they give back, and the way they live their lives isn't quite the way Isys and Rlch do.


It made me wonder...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 2:05pm
How do you meet friends that you have stuff in common with?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 2:10pm
This is a good topic for everyone. I dont know whether you caught my mid thread post but I gave up on a friendship this year after multiple boundary issues were continually trampled on and this had been going on for YEARS. I constantly stuck up for her to friends and family and really did see the good in her during our friendship and tried to help her as I could both financially and emotionally. But her neediness, entitlement issues, manipulative and boundary crossing behavior finally broke me down. I had to call an end to it and she was so unhappy about it she sent my therapist a box of old stuff of mine with a nasty letter in it. Fortunately for me, that just solidified why I cant afford to have this person in my life. There is enough drama already in my life that I cant control! It took me years to get to this decision though and we had many many conversations about these issues without improvement. I was always met with her using the fact that her childhood was a nightmare and never taught her boundaries because she was abused, and that her alternative hippy lifestyle made her boundary challenged as well. It was exhausting. I had to face we were not compatible as friends.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 2:18pm

How can you tell which is which?


I try very hard to be a supportive friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 2:39pm

We have friends throughout our lives that are there for a reason, a season or for life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 2:46pm

"I try very hard to be a supportive friend. However, I think there is a big difference between someone going through a rough spot and needing support, and someone who continually creates drama in their life. That kind of person thrives on the drama and unless they seek professional help, they're never going to change. I cannot and will not have 'those' types of people in my life - its just too much!"

Totally agree, Moon. And, also like you, I have experienced both situations. Friend going through a rough patch, I do all I can to help. Totally needy drama queen? too tiring, I keep my distance.

QB, funny how I could always set boundaries w/gal pals, but took 30 years to learn to set boundaries w/my X

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 5:00pm

I don't make friends with people who 1) don't take responsibility for their lives, i.e. blame others and/or 2) do not try to help themselves.


Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 6:36pm

""I try very hard to be a supportive friend. However, I think there is a big difference between someone going through a rough spot and needing support, and someone who continually creates drama in their life. That kind of person thrives on the drama and unless they seek professional help, they're never going to change. I cannot and will not have 'those' types of people in my life - its just too much!""

Agreed - and well said.

I tend to have layers of friends - the really close ones - we know each other and help each other and like the way we think - then there are ones out of that that are nice but not as close - and then the outer layers are probably ones more like the not so good type - good to know them and have them be part of the network - but you don't depend on them or tell them much for various reasons. The bad ones are not friends at all - just acquaintenances - I can only think of one or two of them whom I never see or speak with - but I wouldn't be rude - would just say hi if I saw them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 7:20pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 7:50pm
I relate to this last post of yours so much and I wish I had been so wise when I was going through similar things with my Mom. You are so smart to know who to distance from when the drain is too high and I had such trouble with that. I am better at it now thank goodness. It was and is surprising to me still to think about which friends could handle struggle and which fleed as you said "when I stopped being entertaining". I think it is hard to know how to balance everything even under normal circumstances let alone when there is crisis. We should all be allowed hills and valleys in all of our relationships. I guess the issues start when there are too many low points and the struggle is self perpetuating as some of the others have said. I watched people leave the scene when the struggle was brought on by sudden health issues or illness, nothing any of us could control. And maybe as you say, they had their own problems to deal with and couldnt handle both. I have seen a few of them since those times are long gone now and I wondered whether they have regrets and they do seem uncomfortable. I dont have regrets except that I wish I had made it clearer to them that I wasnt angry, I was just needing to clear the path to make room for people who were ready to deal with the challenges I had at the time. In the end I had a wonderful support system but it has been harder to keep up with those who left early on. There is awkwardness there....Do you think you will be able to keep up with those who cant handle the heat right now later on?
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 10:09pm