Friendships

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Friendships
9
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 12:33pm
I was trying to find the old thread about how many girlfriends you hang out with so I didn't repeat but couldn't find it. I'm having a really rough day, feeling bad about myself, that I don't really have many girlfriends and rarely do stuff with friends. It's not so much that I'm craving that or dissatisfied with my life, in fact the thing is most of the time I'd rather be with dh (who is my best friend) and dd when I'm off work or doing things with dh and our friends together. But I feel like a total loser that I don't have many local friends and am not out doing things with them. I have a really good friend that I used to go to lunch with because we worked close to each other,but she moved an hour away so we rarely get to see each other any more. And weekends the local friends I do have are usually busy with their own husbands and families. But it seems like dh has lots of friends and I'm just a loser. He does get to have lunch with his buddies occasionally because they're in service trucks that occasionally take them to jobs near his work, and he goes camping with them. I mean he spends most of his time at home too or we do something together with friends. But, I'm wondering if I'm just a freak or if it really is different with women, especially those with children to juggle into the schedule. Even if there is a dh involved, it seems pretty hard to schedule both moms having dad watch the kids to go do something and it seems often it's mom who does most of the shuttling kids to various activities etc. It's okay to just tell me I'm a loser; it sure is how I feel today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:59pm
No, you're not a loser. I think there are a lot of women on this board in a similar situation as you, but I can only speak for myself. I have the same problem as you, and I sometimes feel like a loser because I don't have a lot of friends. I was married for 10 years. Most of my friends were our "married" friends, and after our divorce, the friends either chose sides or fell away. I had two real good girlfriends. My best friend lives in Florida and I met her in college, but we had a falling out when I went to visit her last summer, and I haven't spoken to her since. I had another good friend that I have known for 20 years. We have kind of fallen away because we are at different stages in our lives. She's married and she hates being married; I'm not. She has one child who is 16; I have 7-year-old twins. We don't have a lot in common any more. We exchange e-mails, but that's about it. I have friends from church, but they are all married and I prefer to keep my personal life and my church life separate. I have two girlfriends that I do go out with occasionally; one is a single mom and it's hard for her to get a sitter, so we don't get together often. The other is a woman I work with. She's 53 and single and not exactly the type of person who would go out with me to a club or bar. We just occasionally will do dinner and a movie.

I don't know for sure, but I think it is different with women, especially single moms. We as women have so much to do, that it's hard to find time to nuture a friendship. Let's face it -- we have a lot to do and talking on the phone or going out with someone takes time. Yes, it's a nice break, but sometimes it just doesn't fit into our schedule. But I don't think that means we are losers or there is something wrong with us. That's just the way it is. All my sisters are married, and I know that all of there husbands have a lot of friends also. They join softball leagues and go fishing and stuff like that. But, on the other hand, all my sisters are at home, or working or with the kids. Me and my one sister try to schedule a girls night out every couple of months. She just included me in her Bunco league, so once a month we get together for that.

I'm not going to tell you how to make friends, because I need that advice myself -- and it's a lot harder than one would think. I thought that once my kids got into school, I would meet a lot of moms. I've tried to schedule play dates and meet people, but my requests always fall on deaf ears. So, I just go about my business. I feel I have met a lot of friends here on the board, and here is where I vent all my fears and concerns. But yes, a social outing with a friends would be nice every once and a while. Don't be discourage though. You might meet someone out of the clear blue. I just met this woman where I volunteer, and it just so happens that her daughter and my daughter are in the same class. We've talked about getting together, we just haven't done it yet. I hope I made you feel better. Good luck.

Donna

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:28pm

(((((Andrea)))))


I am so sorry you've been feeling this way. Believe it or not, I am in your shoes. My BIL and his girlfriend were here over the weekend, and she and I hit it off. Had a fun time chatting. Nice girl. Anyway, she asked me "So, you have a lot of friends you hang out with?" and I just LOL'ed!!!! Nope. Not at all. She couldn't believe it. "Your so fun, and chatty and comfortable. How can you NOT have a bunch of fun girlfriends?" and you know, I don't know. It's a matter of putting yourself there. She's family. She comes to a family function, you have plenty in common to talk about, and off you go. From there, I've no problem maintainng friendship.


I work with all men.


J's my best friend, so I don't feel the need to go out ALL the time.


I go to church, but leave right after service, so I don't connect with anyone.


And this one will sound snobby, but I really don't like Ty's friends mom's. In fact, TY doesn't like his friends or his friends mom's as much as he'd like. He's struggling to meet some kids with decent character and parents who supervise them and don't just sit on their arses's in front of the telly all evening long. It's pretty sad.


Andrea, I haven't one single good word of advice for you. I am in the same boat. But I wanted to let you know. I still think you and I ought to hook up one of these days. You don't live that far from me! Actually, I'll be in Denver every single evening around Nov 9th and a few days after. Ty's going to be in a program at the National Jewish Hosp and we'll be staying at the Ronald McDonald across the street. Evenings up there will be free, and I won't have Jas because he's getting ready to go on a really bad work schedule for a while (Wahhhhhh!!!!)


Let me know if you're interested!

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:48pm
Thanks and yes, absolutely, let's make it happen to get together. I had to laugh about what you said about Ty's friends and their moms. Heck, there are very few kids I even want to let Brier play with outside of school because they're brats and their parents don't seem to care. And although I don't see many of the other moms that much anymore with drop off at school, when she was in kindergarten and 1st grade I did more and it really sounds bad but I just didn't care for them. Too stereotypical soccer mom types with seemingly no idea what it's like to work or struggle with bills, had plenty of time to organize after school activities like cookie baking. Nice I suppose but just not what my life is like.

It's not so much that I feel disconnent with my friendship circle but feel like I should be more involved at least once in awhile.

I did get an email from one of my friends who lives relatively close though and sounds like if you work full time, actually have a husband you want to spend time with, kids, etc, I'm not so unusual after all. Defintely email me once you know a definite scheduel though and we'll get together.

BTW,is Ty okay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 4:17pm

sounds like if you work full time, actually have a husband you want to spend time with, kids, etc, I'm not so unusual after all.


I find this to be very true!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 4:18pm
You're no loser. So many of us are in the same boat as you. When I was married to Scott, I met so many great people all over the place because we moved to different states after about 2-3 years. I still am in touch with them, but don't live near any of them. After the divorce, I made a close circle of friends. We hung out most weekends and had a great time. But as friends do, we branched out into coupledom and lost touch. I moved an hour away from my home town when I moved here with Shane. I don't regret it at all, but my closest friend there no longer is in touch with me. I do talk to her sometimes, but only if I call her. And she makes comments as if I abandoned her or something. She acts like I need to go back home more often, but I just don't have the time. I'm busy having a life HERE. It's not that I don't want to see her, but I'm just not in the mood most days to drive an hour. You know?

I do have a few friends here, but I met them all thru Shane and when push comes to shove, if I were to split with him for any reason, who would they be loyal to? Not me, of course. They were his friends first. And still are. He has so many guys that he is friends with independent of me. My pre-wedding celebration consisted of me and another girl. My friends from home backed out and said they were too broke to come. His party was packed with guys. So you can imagine how special I felt when I heard how successful his party was as opposed to mine. I felt like no one wanted to be there for me.

So don't think you're a loser. You aren't.

If you were near me, I'd hang with ya!

Hugs,

Mel

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Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 9:30pm

I'll be in touch to make sure we get together. I'll need something to look forward to, becaues that's going to be a LONG week!


Ty's good. This is some extensive allergy/asthma testing. And more importantly, counseling and teaching about self responsiblity for health, and peer group work. They are big on treating the WHOLE person there. Not just the disease symptoms. And he's got chronic sinus infections that I am hoping will be taken care of somehow. Ty's really been struggling with his emotions. Being different. Taking so many med's. Med side affects (we think some of Attention deficit comes from taht, and I am looking forward to getting some answers) and such. We are looking forward to the help for sure, but it's going to be exhausting. I'll be leaving him there for the day, commuting back to the Springs for work, and back for the evening. How far are you from downtown Denver?

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 9:35pm
but she admitted that it makes her sad that I'm married now and she's not.
Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:19am
Thanks, Bec.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:43pm
And here I thought I was the only one!!!!!!

About a month ago, I had an emotional breakdown with my boyfriend because I came to realize I have practically NO friends!!!

I'm 23...I have my daughter only half the week (her father has her the other half)...I should be out, dancing, going to movies, having an awesome time!!!! And I don't. Not as often as I was anyway!

I've never had A LOT of friends...but I always had a few close girlfriends...who knew people, who knew people...so I was always around a lot of people. But, last year, my one girlfriend moved to Florida (I live in NJ) and my other close girlfriend just started NYU this fall. She's in NY half the week, and working the other half...so I do get to see her once a week, or every two weeks, but when I talk to her, I hear about all of her new friends that she's making in NY and hanging out with during the week. And my boyfriend NEVER has problems finding things to do when I'm not around! His cell phone rings at least two or three times a night (he always ignores it though...he's good like that). My one other close friend, a guy, is now who my boyfriend is living with....(that's how he and I met)...so...usually, if I'm not with my boyfriend, he and his roomate are out together....what do I do with that?????

I'm happy that everyone I know is able to make friends...but how come I can't???? I don't know ANY other single moms (and all the married moms I know don't want to do the things I want to do), and the people I work with...well, I just don't have much in common with them. I have no idea where to go or what to do to make new friends...and it's starting to really bother me that I know if my boyfriend's out....whether I have my daughter that night or not...I'm staying home with a book...which is nice sometimes...sometimes I do want to do that...but on the nights that I don't...well, I don't really have other options anyway....

So yeah...I'm on board with you guys!!!!

Hugs to all,

Shelley