frustrated with ex-wife
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| Thu, 10-16-2008 - 5:51pm |
I have been dating a wonderful man for 10 months and love him very much. We have a wonderful relationship and he is absolutely fantastic to me. He has 3 small children by 2 women. The ex-wife of 2 of the children is a nightmare! I have a wonderful relationship with all of the kids and have NEVER said anything bad about their mother. (My ex-husband has a wife who has caused serious damage to the relationship he has with our children so I make certain I never do the things she has done.) But it is so hard!!!!! The ex-wife is nasty all of the time. She is constantly calling and emailing the kids to make sure "they are ok", because she treats the situation as if they hate being with their father. She could not be farther from the truth! He is just as wonderful to them as he can be! The ex-wife's mother has even been telling the girls (11 years old in a few months) that soon they won't even have to see their dad (assuming that when they turn 12 they will choose not to see him).
I am aware that there is absolutely nothing I can do about her behavior! I am constantly telling my boyfriend that "her behavior is a reflection of herself, not of him", but it frustrates him that she is so uncooperative when it comes to everything. He knows that no matter what he asks of her the answer is no. But he still tries, and when the answer is no, he gets frustrated and vents tome what a xxxxx she can be. I am tired of it. I don't want to end my relationship and I don't want him to think I don't care about these things he is going through, but I really need him to stop getting frustrated and venting to me, because it upsets me. I have gone through years of frustration with my ex and his wife and don't want to do it again.
How do I tell him that I live him and care about these things but need him to find a way to stop giving her the opportunity to upset him.

Sorry to hear your frustration. Only he can set the boundary of how she "makes" him feel. If he's having such trouble talking with her about requests where his children are concerned, then he may have no choice but to get the courts involved. I know they may not do much, but being called on her behaviour in front of a judge may turn her attitude around.
What I'm sensing here though is that your frustration is over his lack of change over the things he's venting about- he's constantly going on about it but doing nothing to resolve it, correct? You can suggest he get counseling or get a court order for co-parenting classes, but in the end he has to do these things for himself.
Good luck
Whenever my DD15 complains repeatedly about something I tell her either do something about it or accept it but I don't want to hear her complaining to me.