Future stepmom and ds's birthday
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 06-20-2005 - 2:46pm |
Sorry if this is a bit off-topic, but I figured someone has to have been in my shoes before and would be willing to share.
My ex got engaged recently and quite rapidly (after apparently less than 3 months of dating). She moved in with him, and the boys (7 & 12) spend two nights a week and every other weekend there. From their conversations, she wasn't really introduced to them prior to the engagement either. My opinion on the whole situation aside, here's the current issue:
DS is turning 8 on July 2nd. We won't have a kids' party because everyone's out of town, and he said he wanted to go to this Japanese grill where they cook right at your table. We did it last year and he loved it. Well, the ex called, said DS wanted to do that, and he'll make reservations for 3 adults & 2 kids, that his fiancee will be coming. I have met her briefly, with the kids present, and she was sufficiently (and appropriately, I thought) staying out of the way while I was dealing with the boys. He's also brought her to DS's choir performance and karate test in the last two weekends. And since she will be their step-mom soon (no date yet), I don't think I should be making a scene and telling him she can't come to the birthday celebration, even though I would much prefer that she was not there. Admittedly, I really know nothing about her, and she could be the nicest person ever. The kids seem to feel comfortable around her. So I guess the question is really this: how did you handle meeting your kids' future (or current) step-mother for the first time? Any advice, warnings, anything? I suppose I could use that dinner to learn a little more about her.
Thanks in advance for any shared wisdom.
Galina

Pages
Hey there,
I am both the bonus Mom and the Mom...
I'm sorry I can't answer your question directly because my ex hasn't settled down with anyone yet, but I can tell you what it's like being on the other side of the coin. I'm the step-mom. Except, my SO has full custody of his kids, so I spend more time with them than their bio mom does.
I first met the bio mom when SO and I were still dating and I was helping him recover from surgery. She came to drop off the kids from their weekend with her and I was there. We exchanged hellos and that was about it. Subsequently, we have always invited her to any birthday parties and other events for her kids. I am also there, because they (the kids) want me there. When she is there, I appropriately bow out on any motherly handling of the kids. Although if they come to me, I will address them, hug them, chat with them etc... but if they ask me something, I will say...well, what does your mom think? etc...
When we are together, we chat politely but I mostly try to stay out of her way. We don't have anything in common, except for her kids. So that is the only thing that brings us together...I have no ill feeling towards her, and I don't believe she does for me...so we are just polite to eachother, but neither one of us goes out of our way for the other. It's a bit awkward sometimes being in my shoes, but I get by.
Edited 6/20/2005 3:44 pm ET ET by orange_clouds
Your welcome!
I don't mind you asking at all - I would love to know myself! I personally think it's completely irresponsible on his part, since there are kids involved. But I am not going to ask, although I did comment to him that I find the situation a bit odd. He didn't offer an explanation, and I'm not going to ask for one - he's an adult. I just hope it doesn't end up badly, for the kids' sake - him I frankly could care less about.
Sorry couldn't give any juicy details - don't know them! I've been joking with my girlfriends that I need to get one of their husbands (a mutual friend) to get him drunk and find out what's really going on : )
The reason I asked was because when my ex told me he was getting married I asked him how far along she was!!!
I don't know, but we can exchange stories later. My dd's birthday is 7/4, her party is 7/9 and I'm going to meet my ex's gf for the first time at the party. It came up strangely, a couple weeks ago when I discovered at the last minute that dd's preschool was closed for a week between the official end of the school year and the beginning of summer camp. I'm sure there was a notice but we both missed it. We had to scramble to figure out what dd would be doing that week since neither of us could take the week off. As it turns out, my ex's gf is a ballet teacher and her school was closed that week too, and she ended up watching dd for one of the days. I decided I was okay with this because although I had not met her, my ex had been dating her a while (not sure the exact time) and he had introduced her to his mom, and he has met her whole family (dd has gone to the gf's mom's and the gf's sisters house, plus the gf's house several times) and she works with children. I generally trust my ex's judgement and he thought it was good idea if his gf was willing, and she was, and everything pointed to it being a good idea.
So I told my ex since she had done this, it was probably time for her and I to meet. DD's birthday party made the most sense so she's coming. I can't wait to see what she looks like. I'm going to bite my tounge and resist the urge to ask what she could possibly see in my ex, lol. Even if she see's all his good qualities, his teeth are rotting out of his head and he could care less (this was not an issue before we married), and how can someone get past that? Ick. DD says she's nice, and I'm sure dd is right. Apparently the day she watched dd they went to see Madagascar and then went shopping and bought my ex some shorts. I wonder why she's buying him clothes, could it be that he is broke, again? Poor girl.
The think that makes me feel better about meeting her at dd's party (it's a kids party) is that I will be in my mom role with dd there, and that just seems like a safety blanket for me. The gf knows dd well enough that she should be fairly comfortable too, plus my ex will be there. So no advice from me, but let us know how it goes. I'll be looking forward to hearing about it.
That is funny that you should meet at dd's bday party - that is how I met my ex's gf!!
You know what? It all went very well. Everyone was on their best behavior for the occasion which in itself was a distraction. The gf was very sweet and totally respected me as mom.
Good luck!! and of course let us know how it all goes. How are you doing? Post us an update thread!!
Lori,
This great advice - you always have such positive helpful posts. I have enjoyed reading all of the responses on this thread. I always learn so much from this board!!
Pages