Future stepmom and ds's birthday
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| Mon, 06-20-2005 - 2:46pm |
Sorry if this is a bit off-topic, but I figured someone has to have been in my shoes before and would be willing to share.
My ex got engaged recently and quite rapidly (after apparently less than 3 months of dating). She moved in with him, and the boys (7 & 12) spend two nights a week and every other weekend there. From their conversations, she wasn't really introduced to them prior to the engagement either. My opinion on the whole situation aside, here's the current issue:
DS is turning 8 on July 2nd. We won't have a kids' party because everyone's out of town, and he said he wanted to go to this Japanese grill where they cook right at your table. We did it last year and he loved it. Well, the ex called, said DS wanted to do that, and he'll make reservations for 3 adults & 2 kids, that his fiancee will be coming. I have met her briefly, with the kids present, and she was sufficiently (and appropriately, I thought) staying out of the way while I was dealing with the boys. He's also brought her to DS's choir performance and karate test in the last two weekends. And since she will be their step-mom soon (no date yet), I don't think I should be making a scene and telling him she can't come to the birthday celebration, even though I would much prefer that she was not there. Admittedly, I really know nothing about her, and she could be the nicest person ever. The kids seem to feel comfortable around her. So I guess the question is really this: how did you handle meeting your kids' future (or current) step-mother for the first time? Any advice, warnings, anything? I suppose I could use that dinner to learn a little more about her.
Thanks in advance for any shared wisdom.
Galina

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Interestingly, the soon-to-be-wife had watched the boys once already as well (also a closed school scenario), and my ex called beforehand and asked if it was ok with me. I told him that since I don't know her at all (at that time I hadn't met her yet), it would have to be his call, and if she's comfortable and the boys are comfortable then it'd be fine. I did appreciate him asking, though.
Yes, I am planning to be on my best behavior, won't make any disparaging remarks about the ex, and just keep up the small talk. Of course I'm dying to find out the details, but I won't ask : )
Good luck with your party, I'll let you know how ours goes.
Galina
I celebrate my son's birthday with him and he celebrates his birthday again with his dad. We do not celebrate any holidays together. I would not hang out with my ex husband and certainly would not hang out with his fiance.
Your son's birthday should be about him and not an awkward social get-together.
We do not celebrate any holidays together either, but we do kids' birthdays, we do not have separate parties. These are kids' parties, not big family get-togethers (we'll be having one later with my family, when we go on vacation). And I am not expecting it to be awkward - we'll be at a crowded restaurant with a chef providing entertainment and cooking right at out table, so there will be very little opportunity for awkward silences and such. I just think it will be much better for the kids (and everyone involved) to not make a bid deal out of it, and would give me an opportunity to feel the future step-mom out a bit.
I'm actually not stressing out about it at all, it's not like I've got anything to prove to anyone. I am the mother, hear me ROAR : )
Thanks for the input, though.
Galina
I can see this point if the child is young. However, my son is now 9 and would rather have the money than the party.
I would put myself first and not have the party for him because my exh makes it so stressful. We have tried that for a couple of years in the past. He always wants to do very little when it comes to splitting the money and doing the work. The last time we did that I said no more. And the ironic thing is that DS complained about the party the whole way home because the kids brought their siblings and he felt ignored and he didn't like the gifts and the pool was cold - you get the picture. Then we had to tackle thank you notes for the gifts he didn't like. (one kid brought a used toy)
This year he got a choice and he picked the gift instead of the party: a groovy xbox with tons of games and a steering wheel instead of the kiddie party. And I still had a party with my family for him.
I think that each person has to decide - if the parents can go it together that is the best part. But if they can't then 2 parties is the next best thing or a choice of a gift.
Or in our case - no party and a big present - with no mess and no thank yous to write!! An added bonus is that my exh's family came down from up north and they threw a big party here too for him. BUT no - I didn't go to that because they were the cause of our divorce. I just won't put myself through that anymore.
>>>I can see this point if the child is young. However, my son is now 9 and would rather have the money than the party.<<<
The only point I was trying to get anyone to see is that there is not one right way. I can have a joint party for my dd and still be putting her interests first (having a joint party does not mean an awkward situation that disgrards the child's interests for either me or the OP). Someone else can have separate parties for the same reason, because it is what works best and is best for the child, and you can have no party for your ds and be doing the same thing. All kids are different, all divorced parents are different. None of us are wrong. I just don't want anyone to think that by having a joint birthday party the child would automatically not be the main focus.
Edited 6/27/2005 2:46 pm ET ET by firstamendment
Gotcha. We all do have our share of things to consider with these things. I think it is good that you can let dd shine!! Enjoy that while you have it now!!
On the same subject, did you see the first post in the off-topic folder? I was hoping you would have good advice for that grandmother - you always have good stuff to say with the bonus families.
(edited to add note about other message)
Edited 6/27/2005 3:07 pm ET ET by cl-west1745
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