A Game of Cat and Mouse - Advise Needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
A Game of Cat and Mouse - Advise Needed
8
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 6:48pm
Hi I am new to the board and need some guy advise -

I have been dating a guy for 3 months. We have previous history: we went to middle and high school together and dated for 4 months about five years ago. I was off and on with my ex so I ended things the first time. I ended things badly by just disappearing. I know it was very childish, I had already planned a life with my ex and the intensity of our relationship scared me enough to high tail it. He apparently looked to get in touch with me for some time after I disappeared.

Well I ran into him about 3 months ago and we got to talking, he is a firefighter now with a three year old son. I have three children of my own and work full-time in an office. He has not seriously dated since his son was born and his ex burned him (badly) I just ended a 8 year relationship. So we both have some emotional baggage and very hectic schedules.

Things started off great. We have a very strong attraction and connection. The kids are not an issue on either side. I thought the firefighter schedule would be, but he was good at calling me from work and seeing me on his days off. Things were great for about a month and a half. And then he just disappeared. I figured it was what I deserved from the first time around, but it drove me nuts. After 5 days, broken dates and no calls - he pops back up without missing a beat acting like nothing was wrong. I voiced my annoyance and hurt feelings in a very direct and open conversation. In that conversation he stated he wanted to make a committed go at us (we had simply been "dating" previous) and no more game playing.

I hardly heard from him for three weeks! He claimed work had him running. Well I wrote him off. I told him when he gets his act together let me know. He is now back to calling me multiple times a day.

He was the first to use the love word and the first to discuss our future. He even went as far as to meet my family spur of the moment. He claims he knows I am it. I am honestly in love with him, but I am at a loss for how to read him.

So here are my questions: If I am so important and he is really that into me, why does he disappear? Could it be that he really isnt into me at all and just likes the chase? How should I play this? Should I just walk before I end up hurt? Is he looking for me to play a game of cat and mouse just for fun?

Bottomline: WHAT is he thinking and how do I handle it?

Any adise is greatly appreciated!

Jade

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 9:38pm
What does he mean by "work has him running" - share more specific details about that. What is his situation with his child/ex/custody?

We need more info.

Welcome!!!!!!!!!! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:14pm
Hi again and thanks for the welcome :o)

More Specifics:

Work - the firehouse he works for is short staff so he works tons of overtime to compensate. He should work 48 hours shifts with 48 hours off. He generally works 48 hours on with 24 off (sometimes he only gets 12 hours off). So he needs to sleep and spend time with his son.

Son/Custody - His son is his first priority, like it should be. He has joint custody, but due to his crazy work schedule he sees him only when he can.

Ex - The situation with his ex is a bit more drama filled. This may get long in explaination.

He was engaged to his ex and she broke it off. We then dated the first time. After I disappeared (he had already voiced I was "the one") he got back together with her. In the midst of their trying again, he walked in on her with another man (who she is now married to). He left without a word, she called him a month later to inform him she is now pregnant (patnerity test show its his son).

After we started dating the second time he was very into introducing me to his son. I a full weekend with them both. I was then all his son could talk about. Shortly after that his ex filed a restraining order and filed for full custody. My bf came out of it legally fine, he continues to have joint custody and open visitation. I havent spent time with his son since.

So his relationship with his ex is rocky at best. I cant decide if she doesnt want him but doesnt want anyone else to have him or if she wants her cake and eat it too.

He was clear to explain to me that his work comes first because he is in public service, his son and I are tied for a close second. We are both also aware that he is terrified of commitment due to him being burned by his ex so badly. He understands why I disappeared the first time. so I think it is more directed at his ex. However, I am worried about the control his ex has over him through his son. He was clear to her in stating "he hasnt seriously dated since his son was born, now that their is someone important in his life his son will know her too"

My concerns are he says one thing and does another. I am actually ok with his work schedule and taking time for his son. I am not ok with the disappearing act. We discussed taking a step back and taking things slow. But isnt their a difference between taking things slow and falling off the map altogether? Even if its for a short time? When we are together there is nothing better for both of us. It just seems soo difficult to get together.

Please let me know if you need more info to help me understand him.

Thanks,

Jade

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:26pm
Jade:

I had a BF that did a disappearing act also. He would not call for a week, then call like nothing was wrong. He broke dates, didn't call, didn't return my calls. After a few weeks of this, I gave up. I sent his stuff back to him, and wrote him off. He still called me after that a few times, but he couldn't give me a real explanation as to what happened, and I just wasn't buying it.

I'm not saying you should dump him, but be very careful. Work is one thing, that can't be helped. But if he is unavailable to you at other times, I would start to worry. Also, I know he was hurt by his ex-wife, but make sure he is TOTALLY over her before you get serious with this guy. I thought my BF was over his ex-fiance, but right before I ended it, I found out he was still talking to her. I know they have a child together, and they will have to communicate as far as that goes. I'm thinking more along the lines of he, himself having been healed of the hurt before he moves on to something serious. My exbf was a commitment phobe. It doesn't sound like yours is like that; but it kind of sounds like he is scared of being hurt again, which is very understandable. Be understanding, but don't play the fool. Keep you eyes open and see if anything changes in the future. I can assure you, that if things don't change, you will get tired of that real soon, just like I did.

Don't sell yourself short, and go with your gut. If all the cancelled dates and no calls makes you nuts, end it and move on. Don't settle for something that is not meeting your needs. Good luck to you and welcome.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:48pm
Well, we can’t really tell you what he’s thinking because we’re not him. But he has told you. He wants to be committed to you. So that’s a clue as to what he’s thinking.

It’s entirely possible that work can consume a person’s life. Sad…but true. Mine does on a semi-annual basis. Infact, two weeks into meeting my SO, I didn’t speak to him for the entire month of February because I was in Fairbanks, AK working. So…it could happen.

The other question, how do you handle it? Is a little easier. If you are in love with him and you want to be with him, tell him what you need. He has told you he wants to be in a committed relationship but he hasn’t been in a relationship for a while. Maybe he isn’t sure if calling you everyday is appropriate. Maybe you think calling everyday is a requirement in a committed relationship. So it’s time to define what being in a committed relationship means to both of you and setting some expectations. If he or you can’t meet those expectations then take a step back. If you can, then move forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:08pm
I think I would hit the reject button based on your statement here:

"My concerns are he says one thing and does another. I am actually ok with his work schedule and taking time for his son. I am not ok with the disappearing act. We discussed taking a step back and taking things slow. But isnt their a difference between taking things slow and falling off the map altogether?"

I would not be okay with the disappearing act. A relationship should progress and you should feel beautiful and wanted. Anything less is simply that in my opinion - LESS.

....As in "less than you deserve."

At best you can just pull away now and take time off and see if he misses you and comes back full swing and stays back in full swing - no disappearance. But keep your eyes open in the process. As one great book author just said, "not calling is not an option in today's society - with cell phones and speed dial I am calling people when my phone is in my pants pocket."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 8:46am
I just found out something about an ex boyfriend that I wanted to share.

He was notorious for getting really close and then pulling back. I had met him online. His story was that he and his wife had a bitter divorce three years before and he only dated a few times - being really into his career.

At any rate, he would get really close and then disappear or be really busy with work or his kids. I remember being miserable because I wanted someone who would want to spend more time with me. But everyone around me said I should be patient.

He had supposedly left his wife for a job here. And he had all sorts of complaints about her and their marriage. After some ups and downs, I decided I wanted someone more stable who wanted a relationship so I let him go. He tried contacting me at various times afterwards but I felt his attempts were not really strong enough - more of a booty call type of thing.

I just looked on the property appraiser's website (you can search on those records here in FL) and I noted that he and his wife are living together again and have bought a house. I am not sure of the story and I do not have any more feelings for him.

But my point is that when a relationship is not giving you what you want or going forward, there is a reason why!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 10:37am
Wow! How did you feel when you saw it? And what made you look on the site?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:30pm
Something told me to do that. And I did not feel bad - just that his behavior made sense and now I know it wasn't me.