Games/ The Chase..is it really needed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Games/ The Chase..is it really needed?
8
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 3:21pm

Well I'm a 31 year old single mom of a seven year old boy. I chose to leave my husband more than 2 years ago after many years of wanting to get out. I've been divorced for 15 months now.... Long story... Ok.. so dating seems to be tough and I'm not looking for marriage just looking for a guy to spend time with with that doesn't mind a relationship.
It seems as though I go through men like water. I don't have a hard time meeting them, but the ones I don't like don't stop calling and the ones I do like blow me off.
Do men really need the chase? Do I need to act like I'm not that interested?
I had a first date with a guy last week we hit it off. He's very very attractive,we had the chemistry, the over all connection, conversation.. etc.... he even said it was almost scary how good it was..... So he called me Monday to make plans with me for Wednesday night. I didn't hear from him Tuesday so I called him later in the night around 10:00pm. We didn't talk too long, but we discussed meeting Wednesday.. So Wednesday comes I get ready after work and the phone call never comes. Here I am dressed ready and waiting.. finally at 7:00 I call him and no answer. He calls me back at 9:30 and leaves me a message that he should of called me before when he got home, but he felt terrible and took a nap and slept until when he called. He apologized and all that.... Ok so I send a text the next day ... hello sorry I missed your call I ended up going out when I didn't hear from you.... So am I too nice? Do I need to be a bitch and play games to have things go my way?
I truely believe he really was sleeping from his message. So what do you think?

Natalie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 3:35pm

Hey Natalie. We are very similar. I am 31 and have a 7 year old boy. I can date and date and date men but for me it is finding the right combo of everything I want/need and it all just flowing together.

I have been played, I have played and it is just a hassle! Of course that was a few years ago and now that I have settled down and am looking for something more stable, it is VERY hard to find. I haven't gotten a happy medium yet, the guy either wants to play stupid games or they want to get married after a month of dating. lol

I believe that a LITTLE bit of a chase is good...like not being available ALL of the time. Men, genetically, need to pursue us. I wouldn't be mean about it all but just don't be at his every beck and call.

Hope this helps some!

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:16pm

Welcome to the Board! And welcome to the arena of dating..... It helps me to view dating as a great adventure... And like you, I'm not looking for a husband or even anything too serious. Just, like you said, "a guy to spend time with that doesn't mind a relationship".

I try not to play games per se but I do try to keep myself from pursuing the guy. (And I often need reminders from other posters of when I'm pursuing too much....or other wise advice from my older sister.) I honestly believe that I have worth and a guy who's interested will pursue me and I won't have to play games... But that doesn't mean that if I like a guy, I should go crazy calling him or making myself too available. It just means that I'm honest. I follow his pacing as best I can... if he's not interested, then he stops calling.

The bottom line is that I have a full life of my own interests. I'm responsible for my own happyness. Those are the things that make a person attractive... NOT game playing. But it takes time and people get hurt along the way. That's why only adults (and the emotionally mature) should date. I don't believe in the game or the rules, but I do believe it takes time and patience and lots of ice cream/chocolate. LOL.

Again, welcome and I look forward to hearing your dating stories.

Love,
Loonybunny

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 5:03pm

I don't operate by games or rules. I approach a woman with the intention of getting to know her. I call her if I am interested. I expect a return call when I leave a message for her to call me back.

Especially in the intial stages of getting to know someone is giving them the benefit of doubt for those hiccups such as you described. I also believe in being straightforward, honest, and authentic. I am who I am and I don't try to be someone else or someone that (then royal) you think I should be.

Why do you think you are being too nice? I use the rule if the roles were reversed, i.e. that I overslept then how I would like to be treated?

Now if that is pattern of "oversleeping" and not calling then I move on but playing the bitch does not serve either you or him.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 5:38pm
Thanks for the input Mark! I get mixed responses from my family and friends which confuses me and makes me wonder if I'm too nice. I don't play games and I'm always just myself. I wonder if maybe being too accepting and nice gets me nowhere. My sister and a few others said I should have waited for him to call again and not returned his call. I honestly don't like playing games and thought why not respond. I felt his message sounded very truthful and I've heard him make many mentions of his late afternoon naps. I agree that I should agree treat others as you wish to be treated. I just keep hearing men like the chase, quit being available, don't answer your phone, tell him your busy even if your not. I honestly hate all of it that.. if I'm interested I'm interested. I'm very real with men I date... what they see is what they get. Shouldn't it all just work it's way out? I'm just unsure about what to do this guy seemed so into me on our date and said some really sweet stuff. He was such a genteleman and asked when he could see me again at the end of our date. It was nice to hit it off for a change after the million dates i've been on......I just don't want to screw it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 9:57pm

I think you should listen to your sister, she sounds like a wise woman. :)


~Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 12:39am

Games, decidedly not.


Chase, yes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 5:39am

Hey there and welcome to the board!

I agree with Mark, and with Soonee, wholeheartedly. Game playing does not serve you or your dates well. Being truly busy and active does.

Everyone- men, women, children- benefit from full, active, happy lives. Men will be turned on by the confidence of an active and busy partner, you'll be happier in your own skin, and your child will see what a healthy adult can do and have in her life.

I don't play games, at all. If I felt like calling, I called. If I didn't, I didn't. But honestly I try to keep busy- actually a great deal of that isn't trying, I just am busy- so that if and when a guy calls, I'm working him into my life naturally, not making up stories or excuses.

Some guys were definitely turned off by that. Others appreciated what I brought to the table- all the little side dishes that add up to one heckuva meal. But I believe in potluck, and if he wasn't bringing anything to add to what I had to offer, he was history.

Good luck, for now I'd say to see if he calls for another date, and if you have time for one. Dating isn't a game, but it can be loads of fun.

Moody, who isn't prey and doesn't need to be chased


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 9:09pm

Welcome, Natalie!

I don't think it is a matter of games and a chase so much as it is a matter of putting yourself and your life first and watching/waiting. I don't believe you can prod someone into calling more or seeing you more - you just have to wait and see if a guy is into you. He will show you by his actions. Meanwhile if you are busy and have a take it or leave it attitude you are going to be able to bear the nonsense of dating and such a lot easier.

It is not like something is wrong with you if they don't call - just that you are not a match. All it takes is one right guy for you who views you as MsRight for him to have a match.

It is frustrating - I know. But hang in there and keep us posted with your stories. We are always glad to have more single moms around. And also a single dad, Mark, we welcome all!!