Geez, sad about the dating scene
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| Tue, 11-16-2004 - 1:19pm |
It was eerie. We discussed how our relationships played out. It was extremely similar. So similar, that we did exchange our guy's names just to make sure that we hadn't dated the same guy. The patterns were that identical.
I thought this kind of guy...commitmentphobic was something that happened in older guys who have never been married. But, this friend of mine says that the younger ones are like this too. I don't remember it being this way in my 20's. You dated a guy, were boyfriend-girlfriend right away, and then broke up some months later after a fight.
Now, dating seems like this.....you date a great, fun guy. You're a great, fun gal. He reels you in. You let your guard down. He gets spooked and runs and you're left wondering what you did wrong. And, he's moved onto his next fabulous woman. You were fabulous to him too, when you didn't care about him.
I feel very disheartened. The never been married guys fake wanting a relationship. The divorced guys tell you upfront they just want sex. Yet, no man wants a relationship.

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True! I'll have to share that with her. She does feel bad- miserable actually. She knows it's over...she just has to face it.
Yes - it is disconcerting that a 25 year old cannot find/keep a guy either. But I think you have to distinguish early on what the intentions of the guy might be. And this is by not jumping in the sack so soon. I don't think you can be a booty call girl or friend with benefits and then get mad when it only ends up that way. I think you have to take a step back and really let them work to court you and get to know you. When they try to push the sexual intimacy you have to say you are not ready. You have to wait for them to be "that into you" - and if they are not then it is too easy to say "next" - I am going to do much differently my next time around!!!!
I have learned that you have to set boundaries and make a man respect you but in a very nice way. You have to be very blunt about "what works for you." And this may mean being yourself more in the beginning rather than trying to be the perfect girlfriend.
Just a theory - others are more than welcome to argue this. We always learn a lot from each other here.
West,
I agree with you 100%. I fall into the perfect girlfriend trap. I'm the chameleon girlfriend. I'll be whatever I think the guy wants. If he likes golf, suddenly I like golf. I put up with a lot of garbage too, just for the sake of continuing the relationship. I need to be me and just let these guys go if they don't like it.
Fivesense:
I couldn't agree with your post more. I really don't think age matters. I think there are just a lot of commitmentphobic guys out there.
On Monday, I was on my way to lunch when I ran into 2 girls I used to work with. We got to talking about men, and one of them is reading a book called "Why Men Like Bitches" or something like that. She said I'm too nice and that the nice women always end of getting hurt, while the bitches get the man. I'm really beginning to believe that's true. My exh and my little sister, two of the meanest people I know, are remarried, and it didn't take them very long to find their SO either.
"Now, dating seems like this.....you date a great, fun guy. You're a great, fun gal. He reels you in. You let your guard down. He gets spooked and runs and you're left wondering what you did wrong. And, he's moved onto his next fabulous woman. You were fabulous to him too, when you didn't care about him. I feel very disheartened. The never been married guys fake wanting a relationship. The divorced guys tell you upfront they just want sex. Yet, no man wants a relationship."
I TOTALLY agree with what you said here. The last two guys I dated were the never-been-married fun guy: afraid of commitment; and the older divorced guy: only wanted sex. I And I also understand what you mean about being nice and getting nowhere. When I dated Mark, or anyone for that matter, I treated him like a king. When it was Mark's birthday, I took him out for a nice dinner and got him a nice present. My birthday was Monday and what did I get? Squat. It really bothers me because I feel like I've been totally cheated. I give, give, give, and end up on the short end of the stick every time. It really gets to you after a while.
Ever hear of the seven year itch? That's when you get in a rut after you've been married for 7 years. I totally have the seven year itch, but it's because I've been divorced for 7 years. SEVEN YEARS!! Seven years of BS and frogs and I'm so sick of it I could scream. I'm so disheartened that I'm beginning to think I should throw in the towel on ever having a committed relationship because it will never happen, and go for the meaningless sex. At least I'll be having fun, right? I'm so down that I've even considered calling Paul and taking him up on his no-strings offer of a good time.
I'm sorry I wasn't much help. It's just that I agree with you too much. You have one advantage over me though, you're a lot younger than me. Once you hit 40, it's really down hill from there.
Donna
Donna,
It REALLY isn't all downhill after 40. I am 42 and feel better now than ever before. I have a young spirit, but I also have wisdom, experience and diplomacy.
You cannot put a time limit on finding someone. 2 years, 7 years, 1 year - each of us is an individual and the time is not a grade like on a report card.
The right man will come along and cherish you for being you. And now you will have the wisdom to see him and appreciate him.
Have faith!!!!
Donna,
Don't go for the meaningless sex. You still won't get what you want. I'm withholding sex until I have a really good feeling about a guy. I'm waiting for someone who enjoys calling me and hanging out. I won't know if he's the real deal until I wait a while. With my most recent ex, we had sex way too soon and it confused things for me.
I haven't read that book, "Why Men Love Bitches"...but I've heard enough about it to sort of know what it's about. It's not about being mean. It's about having your own life and not losing yourself when you meet a man. That was also a mistake I made with my ex. There I was an independent (actually happy) single gal. I met him and my world didn't revolve around him. However, things changed at some point. I stopped being me and started being who I thought he wanted me to be. I pretended that things didn't bother me in order to avoid confrontation and I pretty much let him walk all over me. Even though he wasn't really cruel, he was large and in charge.
So, next time, I'll try to keep my own identity and have outside interests. It is difficult though and I'm not real hopeful; but I have to try anyway.
You know that I am in the same place but ---even though this hard and I don't even know if I can do it -- I think the key is REAL MEAN DO! And the way to find is not to have sex with them. JMO. Real men will work to win you and keep you and be willing to truly commit before you even jump in the sack. Then if it sucks you can dump him LOL. Because by then he won't dump you and remember for a guy sex usually isn't bad so you already have the upper hand :)
I don't know - that is my new approach because I agree they are all commitment phobes. Especially with kids involved. I am glad I held off with the last guy - he ended up being an emotional wreck! TRAIN wreck.
Don't dispair. Everything is the way it is for a reason - even if it sucks.
Laura
Fivesense:
I know you're right about the sex. I just say stuff like that when I get discouraged. I know holding out for Mr. Right is the right thing to do, it just sometimes seems like I'll never find him. In fact, Paul called me last night and asked me out for this weekend. I told him no, again. I get frustrated and I rant, but I didn't act on seeing him for meaningless sex. I want a relationship and he doesn't, so I guess that's the end of that. It's just hard to keep the faith sometimes. I know you feel the same way at times. Maybe our luck will change in the new year.
Donna
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