Getting It Out Of Your System
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Getting It Out Of Your System
| Thu, 05-13-2004 - 5:51pm |
Ok, I have a question for all.....
I've come to the end of my THIRD!!! long term relationship. Each of them has ended (or the singledom started) with an attraction to an utterly inapproprate person. Is it just me or do you all have similar stories? Who have you rebounded with and how bad was it??
Dawn x

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I don't think you are unusual at all. I think *I* am!
I stayed FAR FAR away from men for quite a while between each of my longer term relationships. Kind of went on this "She-Ra" trips. Learned how to work on my car after one of them (because he ALWAYS did all my car maintenance). Things like that. LOL
Hi
I can't say that I always had a "rebound" guy but then again I've only had like 3 "long-term" relationships in my whole life, the one I'm in now being the third.
After, the second marriage (and second LTR) I didn't date for four years or so.
The only exception was after a LTR I had before DH...we dated for about a year and broke up...and I did start dating right away...but I found because I felt "empty", it wasn't working...so I stopped dating for a little bit, and then when I did start again I met DH only a few months later.
During the time when I was dating too quickly...I found that I wasn't sure what I wanted, or needed...and that led to me making some bad choices....
I think if you are seeing a pattern of wrong choices...you might need to look within yourself to find out what you are afraid of. Are you afraid of committment..so you find yourself attracted to people who aren't really available? Are you afraid of abandonment, so you find a way to sabotage the relationship before you can be hurt? that kind of introspection can really help.
Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters
Kim
Interesting you said this. This was me after my split. I met a guy a while back that was absolutely darling and younger. He lived 4 hours from me and came to see me after we got back in touch. Yeah, I had the sexual thing going with him, but nothng more. Then there was Zac. Basically sex for 3-4 months until I realized that I needed more emotional attention. I know Zac genuinely cared for me, but he had issues that needed to be dealt with.
Shane came along just before Zac and after a lengthy friendship with him and a few dates, I just knew he was it. He treated me like a lady and was nowhere near inappropriate ever.
I think many of us need to get the wild side out before settling down again. It's not a bad thing. We all have needs and after being bored in bad relationships, we need to come out of that shell we were in for so long and learn who we are all over again.
Mel
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"I think many of us need to get the wild side out before settling down again. It's not a bad thing. We all have needs and after being bored in bad relationships.."
Hi Mel,
Just to clarify so that people don't misunderstand me here, I wasn't ever interested in getting the wild side out before settling down.
See, that's my problem as well... hard to find a guy who can appreciate the whole package.
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It's not just you. I've been divorced for 7 years. I had two long term relationships since that time, each lasting two years. Both ended horribly, and now that I am away from both, I can realize that both men were totally wrong for me.
Briefly, here's my story. I was married for 9 1/2 years when my husband left me with 2 1/2 month old twins. He cheated on me when I was pregnant, and decided to leave me for her. I was pretty much alone for almost three years until my dad introduced me to BF#1. I was madly in love with BF #1. He was my first love after the divorce. We dated for 2 years, then he cheated on me with my younger sister, and ended up marrying her. At the time, I thought he was the greatest thing sinced sliced bread. Now, almost three years later, I can see him for what he was: an alcoholic, a manipulater and a liar. I certainly wasn't ready for a relationship when I met BF #2. It has only been six months after my breakup with BF #1. I kept telling BF #2 that I wasn't ready. He really put on a good show. He was kind, helpful, sweet and supportive. Five months later he moved in with me. Then things went down hill. He stopped being helpful and nice. All we did was argue. I didn't see it until the very end, but he was abusive (more verbally than anything else, but he had pushed me around a couple of times). I was depressed all the time and I just didn't care. My family intervened and helped me get away from him. With the help of my sister, we changed the locks and got rid of all of his stuff. The worst part of this is that he was a "carpenter" and he started out by trying to fix up my house. Unfortunately, he tore up every room in my house and finished nothing. I kicked him out last summer, but let him back in so that he could "finish my house". So I took the abuse for another 6 months until I couldn't take it any more. I have 3 sisters. No one knew anything until my sisters came over and were shocked at what my house looked like. That was the beginning of getting out of that relationship. I asked for help, and I got it. I was glad to get out of that one "in one piece". If he would have stayed around, he probably would have hurt me. When I met BF#2 he told me he was a "former" heavy drug user when he was in high school and now that he was in his 40's he only used it occasionally. I should have never fell for that. I think he used drugs the whole time we were together. Plus, he was 45 and he lived with his mother until he moved in with me. He didn't have a driver's license because he lost it in the early 80's from a DUI and he tried to get it back, but he never did. He owned nothing. I have no idea why the hell I ever got involved with him except I think he was also a manipulator. He knew I was hurting from my other broken relationship and he played on my emotions. He put his best foot forward, and when he thought he had me, he changed.
So, I have to my credit an alcoholic cheater/womanizer and a drug-addicted bum. What was I thinking? See, you are not the only one who makes mistakes.
As for my current situation, while I was in the process of making plans to get rid of BF#2, I was also in the process of refinancing my house to get a better interest rate and pay off some bills. I was using the same mortgage broker that I did four years before when I refinanced my house to get my ex-husband's name off of it. During the refinance process, M, the mortgage broker, asked me if I wanted to go on a date with him. I was shocked. He was just starting the dating process again because he broke off a five-year relationship. Let me tell you, I wanted to run so far in the opposite direction. I figured I was no good at this dating and relationship thing, that I should just quit while I was ahead. My sister talked me in to going. This was in January, and we have been dating ever since. But, M is absolutely nothing like BF 1 & 2. He has a great job, he owns his own townhouse, he has no kids, has never been married, but he likes kids a lot. He doesn't drink much and he doesn't do drugs. The important thing for me right now is that when we go out, we have a blast. I'm making up for the past seven years, and all I want is to have fun. The important thing is that he is different than anyone I have ever met, and different is good. I guess I have learned from my mistakes. I do know that I don't think I would fall for the type of guy BF 1 & 2 were again. I couldn't see what they were like when I was with them, but now I know what to look for and what is a "red flag". The thing is, both of my relationships with BF 1 & 2 started off happy, after about a year, I wasn't happy any more. I was miserable, but I put up with it. I know I won't do that any more. What a difference it makes when you find someone who treats you good, you will never take anyone treating you bad again. I know I won't.
Unfortunately, I don't have a crystal ball, and I have no way to know what the future holds for me. M is great, but he isn't sure he wants to be in a long-term relationship. He admits he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. So, at any time, I could be nursing another broken heart, which I know is a consequence, and it's a risk I am willing to take because I am having such a great time. I'm 38. I haven't had this much fun since I was 18 and dating my ex-husband. He treats me well and we have fun together. I'm trying not to expect too much, because I've been hurt too many times.
This dating thing really is tough, isn't it. I am so glad that I stumbled across your post. It's so nice to be able to share my story with someone who can relate. I know all my friends think I'm nuts for even trying to date again. I would like it very much if we can continue to "swap" stories. It's important for us to know that we are not alone and that everyone makes mistakes. I hope to hear from you again. Thanks for listening.
Donna
So, you are not
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